Ex doesn’t want our child more than every other weekend!

[SassyCrab]

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and he has said he can only have our child every other weekend which is usually a 7pm pick up Friday and late drop off Sunday. But I’m just find it overwhelming at the minute doing everything by myself accept 4 times in a month, when I try to have an adult conversation about it he will just say “this is what you wanted so you will have to suck it up” and that “he still needs a life” it’s not fair that our child only sees his dad every 2 weeks for a short space of time. I understand he works 5 days a week and his hours are long but something needs to be done as I’m doing absolutely everything why he basically lives his life as he wants. If I took this further with court, I’m not asking 50:50 I just want more than 4 times in a month! Would they honour more time or take it as he still doing something?

If a child lived with their mother full time and has no contact with the father, and the mother dies, the father would be contacted but couldn't be forced to take the child. The child would go to any relative who agreed to have them, and if not, into care.

I think we agree on the point that men should be held accountable, but I do think you are wilfully ignoring the reality that most good mothers wouldn’t just abandon their child to the parenting of a father who doesn’t give a shit about them.

Correct

brace yourself for @Empthy ’s daft response though

Once again I’d ask you to read my previous posts on this thread. 👍

This father has not said he wants nothing to do with his child, though. He’s not neglectful when he has him, and is unlikely to become so if he did have the child more.

Yes he might resent it somewhat - but how is that different to where OP is right now?

Can't see that happening there's only a few years until they're adults. But he'd have to cross that bridge if he came to it. Their mother wouldn't let them anyway so I think we're good on that.

Had it been 50/50 to start as they both wanted before she back peddled on that it would have been a different situation.

Do you think fathers who have said they do not wish to be involved with their child’s life should be imprisoned? Yes or no?

Do you really think that every parent who has had Social Services organise for their children to be taken into care by either the state or another family member is prosecuted for it? Because that's simply not the case.

Are you ok? I get that this conversation can feel triggering. I think I’ve made my feelings pretty clear in my other posts. Do you have children?

Yup. I was doing 50:50 with my ex and Social Services decided that she wasn't safe to care for them. The social worker made it clear that the choice I had was that I either took them in full-time that day, or they were going in to care. Of course that wasn't a real choice - they're my kids, I was more than happy to have them full-time - but if I was a very different man to the one I am I could have said "no".

I do
and the thought of my children being forced on someone who’s openly telling me they don’t want to be with me child - alien to me.p. And the thought of someone being punished for admitting that they don’t want to care for my child? Daft that.

“triggering” let me guess, you throw around “narcissist” quite often?

Nothing you can do sadly.

My ex literally said ‘You can think again if you think I’m having that kid (ds) on weekends so you can have a social life and meet someone new’. He hasn’t seen or asked about him since he was 5 months old.

I think a lot of it comes down to control. They know if you only have childfree time a couple of days a month, the chances of meeting someone or having a relationship will be dire.

Utter scum. From experience, these men become lonely old bastards. Make sure you get as much cms as possible. My ex legged it out of the country as soon as we split so does not see or contribute towards our son.

So yes or no -
you stand by your post upthread that fathers should be imprisoned for admitting they don’t want anything to do win their child?

Pause. Think. If this was the case, the father would not admit and so he’d have the child - and who suffers, the child

I’m not going to stereotype and say this is just men. Because let’s face it there are men that step up and take on the majority of parenting and this scenario would be the other way around.

But why is this allowed? Why can one parent just decide I don’t want more than every other weekend?

Personally I think it should be 50/50 as standard, no you can’t just have a token 1 night a week! Unless circumstances agreed by courts (domestic violence, working away in forces, health conditions, schedules agreed by both parties, etc). And in that case the parent who takes majority is heavily compensated by the other parent.

If this was me going through separation we both work full time during the week. I wouldn’t be happy shipping my kids away every weekend. Also wouldn’t be happy to pick up all the slack of the family we made together. I would want it more fairly for weekday and weekend contact for both of us. Yes it would break me to have chunks of time away from my children but ultimately it would their father too.

Every child deserves both parents equally involved in their lives.

Exactly this! He is a perfectly capable father to his child and when he does have him every other weekend takes him on days out, feeds him 3 meals/snacks a day, washes him and buys him essentials. I have no concerns of him having him as I know my son is well looked after as his whole family are there (grandparents, uncle & cousins!) it’s more just wanting him to stop spiting me because I no longer want to be in a relationship and seeing his child more so I’m not as overwhelmed. As we all know the toddler stage is difficult, and yes I work 3 days a week but I don’t deem this as a break as I’m working!

Op - you said he doesn’t have his child to spite you.

Do you honestly think that someone like this is someone you want your child to be around more than is absolutely necessary?

Well if a mother made it public knowledge they didn’t want to care for or have anything to do with their child, I’m sure the social would (rightly so) be investigating for neglect.

Makes you wonder why the same doesn’t apply for fathers. If they go on to have another child, it should be on record that they have disowned or neglected their other children.

Let me guess, you're either a deadbeat father yourself or a new partner.

If the father was the resident parent of course it would. If you have kids, split and dont want to be the resident parent, you need to enforce that by refusing to have them back except for X / going to Court and saying you only want X intact and don't want to be Primary carer

Head. Wall. Bang.

if the mother said this, and the father was prepared to continue to care or take on the child - then the situation would be as the OP

If the father said “I also don’t want to care for my child”

then social services would step in

It’s disturbing the inability of some posters to grasp what the majority are saying

I always think this is the unfortunate flip side of the choice to have a child laying solely with women.

Yeah yeah, two to conceive etc but let's not pretend the man has any choice at all over whether the conception turns into a child to raise for the rest of his life. Our body, our choice, abso-bloody-lutely. But people miss off the last step of that. Our consequences.

So many men agree to children not because they desperately want them, but because it "keeps the wife happy" and then parent alongside the wife who's doting on her very very much wanted child. Not to say men are some feckless passenger, but so many aren't actually that arsed about kids and just end up with one or two because "it's what you do, and it stops her from going on about it"

In the same breath, that man could potentially be devastated and could do nothing about a conception being terminated. The control is all with the woman, but equally she needs to accept that she's making the sole decision for a dependent child for the next 18yrs as a minimum.

Men have to pay maintenance, of course. But just like a woman can choose the child never to exist, men can decide they don't want to be a parent too. Unfortunately for the existing child, men can only "opt out" post event so to speak. Most know they wouldn't have a marriage if they refused children, but if the marriage is over, there's no reason to keep parenting children they only had to keep their wife happy.

Not all men, sure. But far far more than people are comfortable to admit. This is why all the "how could he" comes about. Because the woman can only see it from her point of view, the view that desperately wanted the child and can't imagine life without them. When the view is, "she wanted a child, I gave her a child, but actually I wasn't that bothered either way" then sadly for the children, they won't see much of dad.

Are you entitled to 2 year old funding for nursery so your child can go to a pre-school either mornings or afternoons?

Thats what my friends that became single parents to toddlers all done. Then they had every other weekend free too. They all seemed to think it was a great set up.

Unfortunately there has to be some give and take with the law. Ultimately once pregnant choices are on mum about whether to bring life into the world. And I think the equaliser (in the eyes of the law) is being unable to force contact time.

if people really wanted to push they could say they can’t do more than 50/50 and see who blinks first but I don’t think most parents who are actually interested in their children would take that risk.

realistically no one wants to leave a child with someone who doesn’t want them. Thats how they end up in neglectful and abusive situations.

any legal ramifications for absentee fathers will give rise to an argument to more say over pregnancy and birth for fathers as well.

I don’t know what the solution actually is.

Well the child’s lucky that they have a loving mother otherwise they would be in care.

As I said, you’re either a deadbeat father or a new partner of one. Wouldn't be any other explanation for your ignoramus, dense comments.

He goes nursery 3 days a week, full days! I understand people see this as I’m lucky or fortunate, but my DS is my first child, I’ll be honest and struggling with motherhood at the minute so I had asked my ex to have him an extra day on the week he doesn’t seem him like a Sunday, but he said “I still need a life” 🤷🏼‍♀️ I feel like it’s something I’m going to have to suck up and try to manage I guess but I just more wanted to go court so there was something set in writing so he’s less likely to back out of it