Ex doesn’t want our child more than every other weekend!

[SassyCrab]

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and he has said he can only have our child every other weekend which is usually a 7pm pick up Friday and late drop off Sunday. But I’m just find it overwhelming at the minute doing everything by myself accept 4 times in a month, when I try to have an adult conversation about it he will just say “this is what you wanted so you will have to suck it up” and that “he still needs a life” it’s not fair that our child only sees his dad every 2 weeks for a short space of time. I understand he works 5 days a week and his hours are long but something needs to be done as I’m doing absolutely everything why he basically lives his life as he wants. If I took this further with court, I’m not asking 50:50 I just want more than 4 times in a month! Would they honour more time or take it as he still doing something?

I can’t share the exact experience I have had for legal reasons.

However, we have had a stable routine for sometime and despite the occasional sulking.

I provide majority care but they do more than 4/28.

Sadly the legal system is male dominated and was created by men. It will therefore come as no surprise that many legal court ordered contact arrangements are for every other weekend with the child living with the mum. So honestly you just need to accept this arrangement as otherwise you could end up going to court loose a whole lot of money in the process (around £6k-£12k and end up with that arrangement or less.

That you are not coping well is another matter. Please do seek support from local groups, facebook mums groups, creating friends networks etc. Try and get out and meet new friends. Knowing other mums will help provide you with a support network.

What an unsurprising lack of detail and avoidance of saying what you expect to happen if your ex moves
from sulking to refusal.

Are you still in the family home? What if your son stays at the house and in his routine, but you and his Father swap accommodations for the weekend?

Im mindful of mutual friends situation where he moved into a caravan and it’s not suitable to have a child stay over as its parked up at another friends property.

I’ll be sure to let you know!

So "let her know" then?

What do you expect to happen when your ex refuses to have them?

It hasn’t!

but if it did I would be off to court again.

If the parents are safe then they both have a responsibility to parent.

I would expect my children to do the same
if they found themselves in a similar situation when they grow up.

Men have too much power and entitlement and there are too many people who think that one parent should do more than the other with the justification that they pay CMS.

Absolutely not.

OP please find the courage to call this guy out as there are processes to do this.

Cant agree that keeping the child from him
as a threat is helpful to your case though.

I would be off to court again.

To do what??

Are you not getting that he's not got to stick to it at all. Just because a contact schedule is drawn up, he doesn't actually have to see them. There is zero consequence from him deciding not to turn up. Zero.

You can not stop access. So you can't stop him on "his days" and he has to return them for "your days.". If he chooses not to turn up for his day, there's absolutely nothing you can do. What exactly are your planning on doing in court? Telling on him because he didn't turn up? The court won't do a thing.

My ex was the same. I’d have to drop my 3, ages 12,6 & 2 on a Friday after school and pick them up on a Saturday before tea every 2 weeks. Sometimes he’d have to go to gigs so it was once a month. I was so used to staying at home with them and not going out that I ended up missing them and dreading them going anyway. They are now 28, 21 & 17. He’s missed out on so much, but that was his choice. They still go for tea every 2 weeks, but they go out of obligation. They would rather stay at home.

This entire thread has discussed extensively and at length how you can't go to court to enforce a parent seeing their child. You simply can't. It's not what court is for, it doesn't work like that.

No you can't? How can you make a parent pay for counselling against their will?

This thread has really shown how much misplaced faith people have in systems and authorities for forcing adults to do things they don't want to do. We don't live in a system like that.

It’s not a competition on who has it worse . Single parenting is hard and it is often the woman who ends up doing the lions share . Can you outsource help OP? A cleaner ? Online shopping? Anything to make your life a bit easier? It gets easier as they get older . Toddlers are brutal

Apologies if this has been explained already but what does he mean by 'you wanted this'? It's one thing for a father to leave... it's another for a mother to break off the relationship knowing they will have to parent, largely, alone. Not sure how much you can 'demand' in this scenario...

Huh
you think if the mother is the one who chooses to end the relationship the father should be able to opt out of sharing parenting because it wasn't his choice to separate? Interesting take

Well, it all depends on why the mother ended the relationship, surely? Just need a bit more context to decide if SIBU or not...

No it really doesn't
Having children is a commitment separate to the commitment you make to their other parent. It's not conditional on the relationship continuing. No matter why the relationship ended, both parents still have responsibilities towards their children until they are adults.

Women have to accept that the majority of men do not want kids. They agree just to appease their partners. If the relationship breaks up it should come as no surprise that many men will have little to no interest in their children. Of course it's not right but that's the reality of it.

Can you imagine a world where the mums also said they would only do every other werkend too - who WOULD pick up the slack?! Would the kids go into care for the rest of the time, like boarding kennels? Ir would be classed as neglect, and bad parenting, and yet (invaribally) dads get away with this and FAR worse parenting. I used to say if my ex was fined each time he cancelled or failed to show up for contact with our dd, she could buy herself a new car on her 18th birthday. These kinds of people will do all kinds of sputeful, negletful and unkind things to their kids, interrupt finances, and mess with birthdays and Christmas too. The kids have no choice but to suck it up either. Our dd was not yet 3 when we split, and my ex began his abuse, it can be called nothing less. She is now 22, but he isca stranger to her, as his lack of contact grew to 3 yesrs here, 8 years there. It leads to mistrust and reluctance/refusal to see them when or if they do show up. He has married again twice since, both times not telling or inviting her. He wasn't there for her the day she started school, or the day she graduated Uni. It stinks but you can't force it, the kids know who was there for them, but let's face it, who could NOT want to be when you love them? I had no help. No parents, no siblings. His family also went no contact, they also believed it was me who blocked contact, and who are the new girlfriends/wives who also believe the lies, despite being able to see they make no effort every single day? It takes a special kind! But you will get there, you will make it, honestly.

Wtf

No @Jumpingthruhoops it doesn’t “depend” on how the relationship broke up fgs

You are struggling and that's very very understandable.

But please don't spend too much energy bemoaning your ex, however unfair it all is, as this is energy you can be redirecting to finding solutions, even if they are imperfect ones.

I think you've hit a wall with ex, and if you have funds you might need to get practical about other forms of respite, even if it's not the full rest you need atm. Like a mother's help, who may build up to being a much needed babysitter one day (I'm just suggesting this as an example, as additional nursery hours didn't seem an option).

You mentioned ex's extended family - would they be open to and suitable for the occasional Saturday of care (leaving ex out if it)? I appreciate that may be a long shot.

If it helps, when your DS is out of the toddler stage, you might regret it if you'd given up every weekend with him, and just left yourself with the drudgery of the weekdays.

Really really try and make the most of the weekends you do have free, focusing on what you need most. I know comparisons aren't always helpful when you're struggling, but 2 completely free weekends is more than coupled women get. One would hope they don't carry the full load during the week too, but let's face it, many do.

You really sound like you need to recharge your battery. How does it work with your annual leave when kid is at nursery? Can you take time off work that doesn't need to be spend with DS?

Wishing you luck and a chance to catch your breath.

I left him due to domestic abuse!

You're right - and it is women who pick up the slack - because usually (NAMALT) they are the more attuned, child focused parent 🤷🏼‍♀️ the problem that people on this thread are trying to fix is how you force men to be better by using the authorities. And you can't. Social attitudes need to change which won't happen via court orders.

And yet, there are differences of lived experiences.

Where the outcome does not align to that?!?

You're the only one who's claimed they got a court order to force the other parent to parent more and you refused to give any detail, so forgive me if my extensive professional experience of the family court means I don't believe you

You mentioned your Ex's mum @SassyCrab , can you drop DS with her on a Friday afternoon and Ex can collect from there?