Ex doesn’t want our child more than every other weekend!

[SassyCrab]

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and he has said he can only have our child every other weekend which is usually a 7pm pick up Friday and late drop off Sunday. But I’m just find it overwhelming at the minute doing everything by myself accept 4 times in a month, when I try to have an adult conversation about it he will just say “this is what you wanted so you will have to suck it up” and that “he still needs a life” it’s not fair that our child only sees his dad every 2 weeks for a short space of time. I understand he works 5 days a week and his hours are long but something needs to be done as I’m doing absolutely everything why he basically lives his life as he wants. If I took this further with court, I’m not asking 50:50 I just want more than 4 times in a month! Would they honour more time or take it as he still doing something?

“Suck it up” Your pleasant ain’t you, I’m a struggling mother that’s come on here for help.

If dads refuse to step up, maybe they should have to pay for childcare for the bit they're not doing?

I mean they are the ones that wanted 50/50 as default, right?

My children's father, self employed, went to his business premises every day all day. He only needed to be there weekdays. Summer evenings at home he manicured the garden. Had no input with child rearing/caring/entertaining of any kind. Hid the cheque book so I had to save family allowance (yes I'm that old) for their clothing (and mine). Allowed one week in a rented caravan in North Wales each summer. Left the house if my family or friends visited. Expected me to be 'hot' in the bedroom.
Reader, I divorced him. So he closed his business, became unemployed, therefore could not pay child maintenance. Refused to have the children....not a surprise!
Why do we give our lives to these men?
Cocklodger...love that expression!

Get rid of him! YANBU. You will survive, I did. My kids turned out well and are great fathers.

This.

If he can’t (won’t) do an extra day, and he is therefore only parenting 2 days in 14, could he fund a few hours of nursery on one of the kid’s non-nursery days to give you some breathing space?

Also - as other posters have said, the toddler stage will pass and it will feel a bit easier eventually.

This should be the standard anyway. 50/50 the full cost of childcare.

They absolutely will or hold him accountable for not.

Your inability to read the thread and comprehend example after example after example, is not my problem.

Neither is your laziness to look yourself and expectation people should find things and present them to you in a manner you understand.

Im so sorry to hear this OP. As others have said, its a frustrating common problem, the none primary parent can request more time and if you refuse, can take you to court for review but there is nothing for the other way round when the Primary parent is asking for more support from the none primary. I have a parenting plan with my ex that we put together with a mediator (voucher scheme to help with cost) to try and make the balance fairer, it doesnt work perfectly and he doesnt follow to the letter but did atleast put down a rough plan for holidays etc as we both work full time but everything was falling to me! i hope it improves, its so tough and as others posters have said, it will be them that loose out on the long run

How exactly will the court hold an unwilling parent accountable? Literally millions of single mums who would like their exes to step up more practically would love to know.

OP, gently, not liking the facts of your own situation doesn't make this poster "unpleasant" for pointing them out.

He barely wanted to see the child of his own volition. You effectively blackmailed by saying you have him at least this amount or I'll keep the child from you entirely.

You are extremely lucky that a barely bothered father didn't turn round at that point and say "you're all right, keep him." It's a very dangerous game to play when you are relying on this person as your only break from 24/7 single parenting.

This isn't a guy who wants his child as much as possible, who would jump at 50/50, who is an engaged self motivated active father. This is someone on the cusp of not parenting at all.

If you keep pushing, you will find he takes to court, so you can't totally deny access, but will only turn up one weekend in four, for example, and there's effectively nothing you can do about it. You're told to "make the child available" for him to collect. He is not obliged to turn up. But you have to be there waiting in case he does.

They won't force a parent to spend extra time.
Your ex partner will only have to say he works long hours and the only arrangement that works is every other weekend.
If he isn't a parent who wants lots of contact or can't have more contact due to his work hours there is not much he can do .. unless he takes his child out after work in the evenings for tea or something.
If it was your decision he will most probably use that to justify the time he has with your child.
Courts are more for DV child maintenance or parents who stop the other parents access .
They will always do what's in the child's best interests so they can't force a grown adult to make extra effort.

They say something like this:

Mr cockwobble, why do you think that Mrs Legend Mummy, should take all the responsibility for the children you also have PR for and you have a responsibility to parent your children.

Then you work out a plan for that person and have a lovely court order that means that they must do what they are told by the court .

please note this is only for safe parents where there is no concern around the capabilities of that person to keep the children safe…

All a court is make him pay, which he is doing. What else do you think this fantasy court will make him do?

If a court sets out he should see him more and he doesn’t do that - what happens. Nothing. As long as CSA reflects the time he has him thats all that counts.

I dont think they are trying to be unpleasant. Unfortunately sucking it up might be the reality for you. Theres nothing that you or anyone on here can do to change this man.
What is your working situation and are any children in pre school or school?

Do you really think this is what happen? That if a court orders he has the child every Saturday, he actually has to turn up?

The order will say that the resident parent has to make the child available for collection every Saturday. If he doesn't turn up, fuck all happens.

Lucky? I don’t count my situation as lucky, I just know even though he does things to spite me, he wouldn’t want to lose his son as a whole, neither does his mum so he swiftly changed his decision to the full weekend. Also he isn’t the brightest spark and doesn’t know his rights etc, so in his head when I say about court etc it scares him because he thinks he might have to do every weekend instead of what he’s doing atm. He isn’t a total dead beat dad luckily and does still want to see his son, I hope things don’t change for my sons sake but I have come to the decision that I will stop asking him to do more going forward even though I’m a very tired/overwhelmed mama atm!

LOL, this is a fantasy.

Courts are not going to make a 50/50 parenting order in a situation where one parent has refused to sign a 50/50 agreement because they want LESS time. Thats because the courts are duty-bound to do what’s best for the child, and forcing a child into the care of an unwilling parent is not in the child’s best interests.

Even if this did happen, the courts and policing system have no power nor will to force a parent to parent a certain amount of the time. Enforcement is generally limited to making a parent hand over a child whose parent is withholding them in contravention of a court order and even this is a complex process involving additional court orders and usually days or weeks to enforce.

I don’t know where people think the enforcement ability comes from, there are tens or hundreds of thousands of deadbeat or semi-deadbeat parents out there and there’s just no way the legal system will ever be interested in or capable of getting them to lift their game.

It’s not fantasy, it’s what I did.

I’d say the only thing that would make ex change is he gets a girlfriend and wants them to think he’s a great dad. That can be a double edged sword though.

I get that you don't count yourself as lucky. But you do seem to think you've got an element of control when you haven't.

All it's going to take is one person telling him to take it to court so you can't stop him entirely, and you'll be absolutely at his whim as to when he turns up or not on "his days.". That time may not be now, but it could happen any day.

No one is saying it's not shit. Of course you're tired. Looking for other options than him to help you is where I'd start. This is all part and parcel of our body, our choice, our consequences.

So your ex wanted say four days a month and you wanted 50/50 and he was so set on this that mediation got you nowhere so you went to court to force him to do equal time and the court said, Son, you have to do 50/50 and your ex has meekly and competently complied with this ever since?

What do you understand will happen if he stops complying?

I cant offer advice, nore encouragement...... it does get easier. I have 2 daughters 11 and 12, my god was it hard when they were young. I honestly lost myself and my mind. There dad didnt have them at all! Even when he lived with us, I couldn't even go to the shop alone without my oldest daughter kicking off as not wanting to be with him. She has since been diagnosed AUDHD, and he didnt even try and understand her.
Anyway, now 11 and 12 they dont even entertain the idea of going to his, or anywhere with him. And I told him this years ago, that he is responsible for the relationship he has with them....... they jusy about tolerate him coming to our home now to spend time with them.
I promise although its hard now, I am sure you are doing a great job! And it does get easier. Yes its unfair atm, but make the most of the time you have (although its not alot).

My ex chose to have his kids every other weekend cause he decided to move 100 miles away 🙄 and then complains every single time he has to drop our child off to my house, and then cut my maintenance because he said it costs him to pick him up 🤣 ffs honestly they do what the fuck they want, imagine if us women was like that!

I feel for you OP I had that and zero child maintenance then zero contact for over a year now once every 5 months if im lucky and literally I have zero support network. Unfortunately u can't force him and really u shouldn't want to force him to love and want to spend time with his child,, if u have to force it then ur child is better off without them. Id just keep it as it is and say nothing. As the child gets older and out of toddler years they will see for themselves, sometimes the ex can then step up after uve done most of the hard part in the early years. If u can try and get a good child minder or nursery, it's not ideal I had to swap my job role as most close at 5pm and dont work weekends but it is what it is. One thing to take from this though is dont get in this situation a second time round I've strongly learnt my lesson I wont trust another person to not just walk away at the drop of a hat and leave It all down to me again. Some people may slate me for that but there's just no way of knowing or seeing

Obviously you can’t make fathers to parent but you can make them pay for counselling sessions for the damage they do abandoning the child or seeing them EOW. There must be some better way to make them accountable for the children they have ffs!