Ex doesn’t want our child more than every other weekend!

[SassyCrab]

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and he has said he can only have our child every other weekend which is usually a 7pm pick up Friday and late drop off Sunday. But I’m just find it overwhelming at the minute doing everything by myself accept 4 times in a month, when I try to have an adult conversation about it he will just say “this is what you wanted so you will have to suck it up” and that “he still needs a life” it’s not fair that our child only sees his dad every 2 weeks for a short space of time. I understand he works 5 days a week and his hours are long but something needs to be done as I’m doing absolutely everything why he basically lives his life as he wants. If I took this further with court, I’m not asking 50:50 I just want more than 4 times in a month! Would they honour more time or take it as he still doing something?

Of course the family Court can force parents to see their children at certain times. That is literally what magistrates do every day when parents can't agree between themselves what the contact schedule looks like. Magistrates will decide how much each parent sees the child and when etc. yes the parents views will be taken into account but obviously not followed otherwise we cannot work anything out when they have two different views. So we try to come up with a compromise with the best interests of the child as the aim/focus, as always. And of course there can be consequences for not following orders drawn out by the magistrates. Contact schedules drafted through Court are court orders and ignoring them is contempt of court.
Not suggesting it is easy and yes it is shitty dad doesn't want to step up further but yes there are options though they may not be easy or achieve everything mum wants. It's not a perfect system but i would like to think it is decent.

Yup, pull up a chair, he won't suddenly (or ever) decide to do more, be more involved. Don't 'be nice' about maintenance.

You can't change anything but your mindset, you'll feel better if you expect very little.

Thats okay for you not to believe me.

With your extensive knowledge of the family court you will know that I cannot provide details of the outcomes of family court.

That would leave me in contempt of the very court that I got a shared care agreement with a safe other parent.

The more women take men to court to uphold their rights as a shared parent the more the tide will change and there will have to be a shift in culture and the patriarchal systems that oppress us.

it is NOT good enough that some men provide financial support but no responsibility in or outside of being in a relationship.

The very act of becoming a parent (usually) requires two people and those two people are (usually) named on a birth certificate stating they are parents.

So, we just accept that their opportunity to work, leisure etc is above their parental responsibility and we struggle? Absolutely not.

If they’re made pay maintenance they should be made paid they should be made paid for other things that the child needs. I know it’s not the system but it should be

You've misunderstood what a court order does. With two parents both fighting for more time then yes it sets out when each parent will have the child. With a parent who wants minimal time with the child it sets out when the resident parent has to make the child available to the other parent. It does not, and cannot make a non resident parent care for the child more than they are willing to.

Right it's not the system. So don't claim they can be made to pay for something that they can't.

You could easily state what contact arrangement you ended up with and how it happened without identifying your children or any parties in the proceedings. You don't have to of course, but your claim that this happened to you with no evidence means nothing. Sorry.

Pretty sure I know exactly how the Court works and what order it makes 😂Not saying it is great but yes parents can be ordered to step up. Now admittedly the focus will always be the child's best interests and if one parent refuses to step up and is a fairly crap parent, then no they won't be ordered to step up unfortunately. But otherwise yes they can absolutely be ordered to.

DH’s best friend has the same mentality. His long term partner has decided to split with him and so he’s said he will have their DC EOW only because ‘this is what she wants’. I think it’s a form of punishment, really petty.

You can enforce pick up time op- you can say ds needs to do his bedtime routine, if you can’t collect by 7:20 you can collect the next morning at 9, it’s not good for him to keep him up. You have to hold firm and keep him extra for him to understand that. You can even say if you can’t collect at the agreed time then you don’t see him that weekend, that was your collect time. He should pick up his game if it means he doesn’t see his child, he doesn’t want other people to know he never sees them.

Seriously? And your dh continues to be close to someone like this??

Do you have children @oblada ?

So they court order a father to see his child despite father open declaring fuck all desire to see child.

Does father meet the child’s physical needs? Yes
Does the father beat the child? No

Does The father demonstrate love? Attention? Engagement? Support? Guidance? Softness? No.

So sure - wave off your child to a father complying with the court order because he knows he’ll be punished otherwise. But my standard for what I want for my child is higher than the bare minimum

The trouble is if mothers could emotionally distance themselves from their children like this most women wouldn't have had children in the first place.

Happened to me. Split when dc was 1.5. He did barely anything until dc was 4 and he got a gf. Ideal for him gf has own house and no kids! He now does 2 weekday nights and 1 weekend a month ( can be 6 weeks between weekends). He'll only do long stretches if gf is off work to help though and she does some school drop offs

It is worth noting this is as much a cultural thing as a legal thing in France there are as many or more single parent families with the Dad with custody. It is normal for a woman to remarry and leave the children with their father.
My mother lived in a village in SW France with 3 single parent families- all three were Dads with their children.

I have 4... Why? And no i don't agree that a court ordering a parent to step up will lead to the child being mistreated.

Not a risk that some will be happy to make.

you would. Fair enough

I want better than meeting physical needs @oblada

you aren’t bothered. Each to their own

It's a balance. If mum is overwhelmed than a father doing a decent job to give mum a break may work just fine..in this case dad clearly loves his kid but just thinks he can do it on his terms. No reason to think he wouldn't show love or affection to the kid. He may not be the best but he may be good enough. And good enough is definitely something I have had to adjust when involved in the Court system. It's a balance. And working out what is best for the child overall.

As I say… we want different things for our children @oblada

Not a risk of be willing to make. Waving my child off with someone who has openly declared he doesn’t want to be with his child. Sure he’s not going to beat or neglect the child but I want more than that

10 years for me. Two disabled young people (& I'm disabled myself). exH does no 1:1 time with them &, in last 6m, has taken them to the cinema. Once (and asked me to make sure they were fed first). He's 60, retired 5 years.
I once asked him 'what if I took the same stance'? & he said he'd 'put them into care'.
His loss (theirs too, growing up with such an inadequate father, but I can't control that)

I don't know what 'we can do as a society' to address this but it's both hugely unfair & very sad.

I know he loves his child and I know if I took him to court, he would no way sit there and say “I just want to see my child the bare minimum” because he would want to look better than me and make out as if I’m going mad! He has never barely raised his voice at our child when we was together so I know he’s giving our child more than enough love and care, he just wants to make sure I regret my decision by making my life harder as he’s lost everything, whereas I’ve more gained!

What a twat

Id be rejoicing he wants only EOW

My thoughts are be careful what you wish for.

My ex is dragging me through court for 50/50 at the moment despite having never been at home during our marriage, etc.

I wish he would go to EOW.