AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

2 separate issues here. If you don't want any more children then that's it- there shouldn't be any more children. BUT I would say you are responsible for doing 50:50 in your non working time with the 2 you have so I'd stop resisting that if you want to have a good marriage

If I definitely didn’t want 3-4 children, I wouldn’t agree to have more children, personally.

How will you explain to kids 3 and 4 that you’re not going to do XYZ for them because you never really wanted them?

If you have the kids then you need to be responsible for them. You have to look at it from the kids point of view. They don't understand the reason mom does everything is because dad didn't really want the last two so negotiated his way out of parenting by providing sperm....
It could be worse- if she was working you'd have to do 50% of the sick days and dentists and dinners and clothes shopping and extra circulars

@RosieCottonDancingsorry perhaps I explained this quite terribly. It’s not that I would do 50/50 with Child 1 and Child 2, then nothing with Child 3 and Child 4, I would just do overall (let’s say, although it’s very theoretical and can’t be measured exactly) 30% of “work” of having children with all the 3-4 of the kids rather than more with the eldest and less with the youngest.
in practice, perhaps that looks like I don’t wake up in the night unless it’s an emergency / my wife really needs it but in an ordinary night my wife handles the night waking up. Or I have some weekends where I’m at the pub on Saturday afternoon, away from the chaos that 3-4 children bring.

You should be doing 50:50 when you’renot working tbh. IMO that applies to early mornings and overnights too unless your job involves driving or heavy machinery as she is “working” all day too looking after the kids. But you shouldn’t agree to more kids if you don’t want them.
also why are you paying for nursery if she is a SAHM? If they’re at nursery during the day she should be doing pretty much everything else. Or get a job. The “family mjney” thing makes me suspect she is a bit of a princess.

You shouldn’t have more children because you already said 2 is enough. All children should be wanted and you don’t want more.

on the other hand why can you not get up at 6am to parent your child? Your wife doesn’t get to ‘just’ parent 8-6. Parenting outside of work hours should be split pretty fairly with both of you getting downtime. When your kids are in school that’s a different matter imo as if your wife is still at home she’ll have lots of free time.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Yes this would be unfair.

What you need to do is grow a spine and tell her you do NOT want any more children.

What she does with that information will then be up to her.

But you need a vasectomy pronto.

You can't go into parenthood half-arsed.

You either want more kids or you do not.

I think if you don’t want anymore children thats totally fair, and I think your wife has to come to terms with that, however you also did know pre-children how many she wanted you should have made it clear then you did not want the same, maybe she thinks once a 3rd is here you’ll feel fine.

If you don’t want anymore get a vasectomy, birth control doesn’t just have to be up to your wife.

@MakingPlans2025our eldest is 4 so we both agree it would be a good idea to go to nursery 9-12 in preparation for school next September. She’s still got a 1 year old to look after all day.

You didn't want the same things at all so I'm confused as to why you started a family with her.
Before you had children did you tell her your expectations? It really isn't unreasonable to expect a father to do even parenting whem he isn't working.

Ultimately you should not be having children you don't absolutely want.

”im happy to occasionally wake up with the baby” - why only occasionally? You have two children currently and still want to be hands off?
In principle though, I understand where you’re coming from - I have 3 children - second birth was twins. My EX husband and I were thrown in the deep end as we planned for two not three. He’s very very hands on equal parent though, and I was the SAHM. Evenings, nights, early mornings and weekends though were 100% split, often him taking on more than me.

it wrecked our marriage because we were just battling with three small children constantly, but we both focussed on the kids 100%.

it doesn’t sound like you would want to do that, and so I really think it would definitely wreck your marriage if you kept having children you don’t want

Oh no. This isn't bargaining like, "you wanted an expensive car, you can pay the maintenance bills" would be, your children are people. They get one Dad and that's you. You can't half-arse it.

So don't bring children into a home where they're not wanted. Don't tell your wife that "you wanted kids, you deal with them" either. Don't have them, be open with your wife and give her the opportunity to find someone who wants a future that aligns with her own ambitions.

These are human lives you’re talking about, if you don’t want anymore have a vasectomy. Please don’t bring more children into the world whose father doesn’t want them and thinks they can just subcontract out their love and care.

I don’t think you’re a bad person for not wanting anymore children, you obviously know your limits, I wouldn’t want that many either. In terms of time to yourself, as long as both of you get equal downtime then it shouldn’t be an issue. Weekends should split evenly, you could do something with them one weekend day and she could do the next weekend day and you can go and do what you want. Then one day all together. When the children get older and start doing clubs and seeing friends you’ll have more time.

The two of you should get equal time off, so that means you doing 50:50 when you’re not working (unless it’s both children at nursery? In which case I’d say she’s getting a fair bit of time off during the week).

I don’t think anyone should have a child that isn’t wanted by both parents. So I think you have to say no to more children if you don’t want them.

@PevenseygirlQQ I have always made it clear that I want 1 child, 2 is my absolute limit.
She always made it clear that she’d like 3-4, and jokes that she’ll get her way. She’s never talked about kids in a way that would suggest she’d ever stop at 2. It’s a “given” that she’d have more. I know she’d leave me if I refused to father more children.

I think your overall point is reasonable. It’s ok to say I don’t want more kids and if you do, you have to go for a more traditional model because I want some me time. It’s a hard one as neither of you are wrong but your wishes mismatch and hard as it is you need to be very upfront before any further pregnancies.

However. Saying ‘I can’t do regular early wake ups or toddler tantrums’ - unreasonable. These children are here now and I do think you need to share their care. It’s fine to agree that when you are getting up early for work, she does more of the mornings, for example. And all the other many household and parenting responsibilities- of course she will take more of these due to being a SAHM. But do you think she doesn’t find that exhausting? She’s skipping along through these 6am wakes and toddler wrangling? She’s exhausted too, as she’s doing a really hard job, just like you are.

I also think it’s fine to say ‘we agreed your load would go up because you’re the one who wants this’ but the reality of 3 or 4 kids and a completely wrung out exhausted wife - it’s not likely to be good for your relationship if you just stand back and say ‘well this is what you wanted’. Will you just stand back and let her struggle alone? If you really don’t want more kids I think you need to be clear and draw a line.

If you don’t want another child then you absolutely should not have one.
The resentment will destroy everything. But in answer to your question, no I don’t think it’s fair to expect more input from one partner than the other to ‘pay you back’ effectively for agreeing to another child
You decide where your limit is and you stick to it. Her desire for more children does not trump your needs

If dh was the sahp, I would expect him to put the same hours in as I was working, then we'd split the rest.

I'm a teacher, so more of the household stuff used to fall to me in the holidays. In term time, he stepped up.

However, being at home was a complete doss compared to being at work AND having to come home to general house shit, so I do think the sahp should be doing the bulk.

Bollocks to having more than 2 kids though.

"Im happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour".

I think that this says more than you think it does...it tells me that because she is a SAHM you should be able to opt out, and that anything you do is optional ...helping her.

On that front, you are very wrong. You should never have agreed to have any children whatsoever if this is your attitude to their needs. No-one dreams of waking up at 6 every other morning (which doesn't sound that bad to be fair) or wrangling toddlers, but it is part and parcel of being a parent of however many children you have.

On the subject of more kids, yanbu, whoever doesn't want them wins. Though perhaps you should never have married someone who wanted such different things to you...telling her you were ok with it, and then resenting it so much?

Do you not share the waking up etc now?

You should have made it crystal clear 2 is your max and keep firm on that, she absolutely shouldn’t threaten to leave if you don’t father anymore children, that is not on, if she chooses to leave then thats on her

@bitterexwifeso far I’ve done my fair share with the 2 children that we’ve had. In the newborn days I didn’t wake up because my wife told me there’s no need, she breastfed. Then when we had early wakings, with both children, I’d wake up at say 6am or 5am or whatever time the baby was “up for the day” and let her sleep till 7-7:30 when I’d have to start getting ready for work. In the later stages I’d also sometimes take our eldest back to bed if she woke up in the middle of the night, settle her, cuddle her back to sleep.
My proposal is that next time I am not prepared to do this. I don’t want to wake up again at 5am or 6am. I don’t want my load to increase again.
At the moment I’d say I’m doing my fair share. I just don’t want or need more work.

It sounds as if she's independently wealthy and has all the leverage in this situation? The only leverage you have OP is that you can refuse to provide your gametes.

You shouldn't have more children just because your wife wants them.

You really shouldn't have started a family with her at all if you weren't on the same page.

If she leaves you then she leaves you but you won't have made a child you don't 100% want.

You can say no to more children for any reason at all. Make sure you use effective contraception.

You already have a 1yo and 4yo. The days of “Saturday afternoon in the pub alone” to get away from the chaos are over until they’re older. On this you’re totally unreasonable. You made these kids, you’re their dad, you can’t opt out of being with them at the weekend because you never wanted them in the first place. You should have said no to babies 1 and 2 if that’s what you wanted, just like you’re going to say no to 3 and 4.

Why on earth did you make a life with a woman who wants a completely different life to you?

I know she’d leave me if I refused to father more children.

Are you really this desperate that you'd continue a marriage to a woman who doesn't care enough about you and the kids you already have, to split the family up and find another man to father a couple more kids with?