AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

Slow clap 👏👏

The game of ‘I have it worse than you’ is frankly annoying.
Because you might think you have it harder (even though notice that you, yourself, acknowledge your dwife has it worse… so not dissimilar to the OP right?), but I can tell you there are many situations that will be different but just as hard if not harder.

The problem isn’t who has it worse.
The problem here is fairness.
Fairness towards both parents - is it ok for a parent to just step out of their responsibility as a parent. If responsibility isn’t stated for let’s say getting up at night, will it really be confined to night waking or will it spread to day time stuff too
Fairness towards the children (the ones they have and the potential ones)
Fairness and respect towards each other - respect for the person, the work they both put in for the FAMILY rather than a selfish attitude ‘because love’

Slow clap. Ooft! Thats me put back in my box.

I find it “frankly annoying” when people don’t have manners, start sentences with “because”, fail to use question marks, etc.

I found the rest of what you said hard to follow.

I didn't say being sahm was harder than doing both together - I said it was harder than doing my job. Ie, the hours I spend doing my job are easier than the hours I spend being sahm. My view is therefore that the job wife is doing during the hours husband is at work is at least as hard as the job he's doing during that time. Do responsibilities outside of that time should be split.

Baby was v good sleeper (breastfed cosleeper) and job is challenging one that not many could do.

You think you do more than most mothers? Or you think you do more than most bleating mothers?

Or you think you do more than the lazy husbands?

This - l think it's fair, she wants more children then she can deal with the early mornings and broken night sleep as you are working to provide for them.
Can you afford more children, most couples can only afford 2 or 3 maximum

Absolutely this

If you are only talking about 'working hours' in an average job vs SAHM to one baby who is a good sleeper, with everything else being shared 50/50 with the working party, I would say that the SAHM has a far easier job compared to most jobs. The demands of only one child are far less than my job and many other types of jobs. I think most people would agree.
Multiple pre schoolers without any family support is certainly hard work.

I think this is fair, especially as it appears that she wants to carry on as a SAHM/housewife once the children are at school.

I don’t understand why you don’t man up, take a deep breath, tell her you’re getting the snip because you much as you love her and your two children, you really don’t want any more children.

You are otherwise planning to have a third, be a crap dad, blame her, and probably leave her and your kids.

Note - this is the hardest season of parenting though. 1 and 4. Did you go to uni? You’re only part way through the course. Once they’re 4 and 7 it’s easy. I have 4 - we planned 2 - it was very hairy for a while but we are happy now and it’s easy now they are all at school and fairly self sufficient! I always wanted to work though I did have a period of time it made more sense for me to be at home.

It might not be the end of the world to be a dad of 3 or 4 lovely young people. They’re not always toddlers!

But you’re perfectly entitled to be firm, but you HAVE to have the snip NOW and not make it her fault when she becomes pregnant and it’s ’her fault’ and ‘she did it on purpose’.

T00thl3ss

I’m sure he’d love to not be the only one commuting and working so probably best to share it all.

My commute involves sitting listening to music in the warmth of a car, and even when I got two buses to work there was just me and my own thoughts/ some music, then I get to work where I get an hour break, recognition for my work, I get to interact with other adults and I earn money. While both sahm and work away from home have their pros and cons, throw him into her life for a few weeks, I’m not sure he’ll complain so much!!!

I am talking about one baby, yes. The hours I spent/spend caring for my baby are wonderful, they're the most rewarding thing I've ever done but certainly the hardest. My job is high pressured, but no one's future happiness and mental health is riding on me consistently and positively responding to them. At work I can go to the toilet almost whenever I need to, and I get several cups of tea throughout the day.

@NewHere83

why wouldn’t you go to the toilet when needed when you’re at home with your baby?? Genuinely don’t get why you wouldn’t!?

This ☝️ 💯 ✂️
Get a vasectomy.

You can go to the toilet with a baby!
It sounds as if you took your parenting responsibilities extremely seriously on mat leave (not a criticism, far better than the opposite!). In the end though, parents can only do their best in their individual circumstances. Perhaps you set yourself unattainable standards and made yourself super anxious which made it seem v hard.

If you truly believe that she would leave you if you don’t have any more children that’s crazy… why are you happy to continue to be with her if she feels that way?

You both need marriage counselling.

You need to book a vasectomy because if she’s as intense about having children as you’re making it out to be then she will make it happen… and you can be in control of this happening.

The demands of only one child are far less than my job

Perhaps you set yourself unattainable standards and made yourself super anxious which make it seem v hard?

Exactly, my job is quite easy compared to parenting. I just turn up to meetings (often someone else is kind enough to arrange my diary), do some work in peace, have a cup of tea, think a bit, do some more work. Repeat next day. Parenting is far more challenging and the stakes are far higher.

Do you mean at work?
Nope, it's just a hard job. I'm a doctor. I think most people would agree that it's a demanding job.

You are very lucky to have that sort of job. I don't and nor do many people.
It's undoubtedly harder than caring for one child. Admittedly, I do have 4 DC so one seems very easy to me (barring SEN, etc).

I'm a doctor too. Sure it's demanding but work is a break, and I really enjoy it. Staying home with a baby 24/7 and being treated like a skivvy? Not so much.

Work is a break from what? Being a parent? I have always enjoyed being a parent, which is why I chose to have several DC. It sounds as if you don't enjoy parenting, which is fair enough but it doesn't follow that it is therefore hard, certainly not harder than most medical jobs. Who treated you like a skivvy? Was that your partner?

If you go back to the initial comparison, it was only caring for a baby during working hours, a baby that was a good sleeper. Looking after one child, your own child, in office hours only compared to most medical jobs is a doddle.

You seem to think you can speak for everyone else's life. Why do you imagine I don't like being a parent? I can love it and find it rewarding but still not think it's easier then my actual work? I've always enjoyed my job which is why I chose to go into it, it sounds as though you find yours more challenging which is fair enough but that's your opinion and your experience - mine is different, as are others on here.

We're in a fairly similar position to you (however I work so slightly different). I want four children but my husband would stop at 2. We have a three year old and 4 month old at the moment. My husband was struggling with the step up to two children and we had a serious conversation about it. He said he felt like everything was a grind and he never had a minute of free time between work and the kids. Since then I've really tried to step up and take things off his plate (e.g I do all the nights now with baby, husband just does our older son who occasionally wakes up for the loo, I'm doing all the cooking, grocery shopping and more bedtimes with toddler). I've also suggested he do some things just for him, like going to play golf on the weekend or going to the gym but he has said no. He seemed like he was really struggling and I wasn't at all (I'm actually loving maternity leave) so I definitely felt like I could pick up more. It's also a bit self serving as I want to show that having more kids would be manageable. I guess if you feel at your limit and so does she, how would you have more kids? If you're at your limit but she has more capacity you probably do need to redistribute the load. I guess for me it's not about everything being literally 50-50 at all times but that each person feels supported, takes on as much as they can but with both still having some free time.

I imagined you don't like being a parents because you said work is a 'break', presumably a break from being a parent. In saying that, and calling yourself a 'skivvy', it does give the strong impression that you don't enjoy parenting. I also enjoying my job but it is objectively far harder than looking after one small child in office hours, something which need everyone is capable of doing. That doesn't mean that everyone who has a job will feel the same. Equally, the other poster can't generalise that, just because she found one child hard, everyone else does too.

I also enjoying my job but it is objectively far harder than looking after one small child in office hours,

It is subjectively harder. To you. That's my point.

Also, this whole thing isn't about office hours. It's about one person doing their job 24/7 and the other one getting to check out.

You've imagined a lot of things. I can think work is a break and still enjoy my kids! I also didn't call myself a skivvy - I used that word yes but that's not the same.