AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

I know she’d leave me if I refused to father more children.

How would it be 50/50 then if she leaves you? Unless she will still insist on 50/50 even if you separate which is unlikely. I guess it could work if you both stay in the same home even when split up.

Say you give in to having 3 or 4 kids then she leaves you because you're not pulling your weight.

How are you going to manage with 3 or 4 kids every other weekend and for one night midweek?

You don't get to half-ass parenting if you don't want to be a shitty father or partner.

This isn't shared ownserhip of a goldfish that you're talking about.

You will both need to do the extra work. It's not just her responsibility. You have the kid then you have to do the associate work involved. You are either in a partnership or you are not.

if you don't want more children then don't have them.
Think about them growing up. they are going to understand what's going on. It won't be great. Children deserve to be wanted by both parents.

Of course you can't do 50/50 when you already work full time. Your wife sounds spoilt, has she ever worked full time or always relied on family money? don't have any more kids.

You need to communicate clearly - a counselling session or two would be helpful. It's fine to have said you really only wanted one child but allowed yourself to be persuaded to have another, but enough is enough. The fact is she is being emotionally abusive in threatening to leave if she can't have more children - that would hurt her existing children as well as you.

Also unfair to compare sending an email with dropping hot water on a child. The latter is extremely unlikely to happen anyway due to even a completely fatigued woman having a massive drive to protect a child. (I once allowed myself to become significantly injured in a fall by focusing solely on ensuring the child I was holding didn't hit their head).

Relationships, families involve compromise. Both of you need to do this.

You need to be very firm about your boundaries and tell her you don’t want any more children and then book in for a vasectomy.

I can never understand women who want to push out baby after baby and then aren’t really interested in the older children but to use them as free childcare.

I had one child because I wanted to focus my energies on that one child. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not U not to want more DC. If you take responsibility for your contraception: condoms or if sure you’d never want another DC vasectomy.

Not U should you want your wife to return to paid work, unless her inheritance is so large it covers the opportunity cost of her pay and pension for a chunk of years.

U to try to negotiate out of parenting and domestic work should you concede to have more DC. Should you have them it’s your shared responsibility to care for them and run your home.

You're struggling with the 2 kids you have. Be honest about that. You need to tell your wife. You married her knowing she wanted a big family when you didn't. A mistake you're now going to have to rectify. Because you cannot agree to adding more children to your family unit when you're not coping with the kids you already have.

The point of a SAHP is to raise the children, take some of the stress from the working parent, otherwise you might as well both be working FT.
Weekend lie in should definitely be split and bedtimes but not getting them ready in the morning before work.?

Popcorn 🍿😀
Medal for bravery to the OP 🎖️
Dunces trophy to OP for being mostly wrong 👏🪣

This. I have 4 DC my DH worked hard so I could be a SAHM. I was happy to take on all caring responsibilities and nights. He had a job that involved driving so needed to sleep well. If this is her dream and she enjoys it there is no reason why she shouldn't have the responsibility to look after them most of the time.

she said she wanted kids, she wanted to do most of the child-related work

She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it.

What happened between her statements one and two to change things?
Does she find it hard going?

If she loves you as much as you do her she wouldn't keep on to you about having more DC, she knows that you feel you can't handle more than two and still she continues, that's pretty selfish and no one, be it man or woman should be falsed to make DC they don't want.

Wear protection and book a Dr's appointment about getting a vasectomy.

Stop it with the "grow up".

He's obviously communicated with his wife and so far is at a stalemate. He's now seeking advice from women to broaden his perspective. In what possible way is that childish?

It’s clear from the OP that her financial contribution is not 50/50.

Not U of your wife to want you to do some night / early morning / weekday parenting, but less than 50% would be fairer. especially if she’s not doing paid work as her wish but against yours.

You fundamentally should absolutely not agree to having more children if you don't want more children. I can see how you might think that a bargain where you agree to more children if she agrees that if she gets what she wants and remains a SAHM, she will do the majority of the childcare and domestic work, but that is clearly not going to work here, as she is already not on board with the idea of it not being 50/50.

She will leave you if you insist on stopping at 2? That is not the sign of a solid marriage. Had you always given her the impression that you would let her have a big family even though you didn't want one?

If you don't want a bigger family, don't have any more children.

You have no idea how intense his workday is. That hour drive each way could easily be spend having work calls and whilst there it can be very intense.
the op is not getting any break during his week and it sounds like he needs it

As a SAHM when my kids were young, I saw it as my job. I enjoyed being a mum and preferred it to working, finding it more fulfilling and flexible - so it worked for me. My husband went to work five days a week and I looked after the children, which meant I did the night wakings and the early mornings during the week, with him doing 50/50 of the household jobs/childcare that took place after work.

In practice, that usually meant he cooked three nights a week, did any housework I couldn't get to during the day (there was always something!), did half the baths and bedtimes, and took his turn entertaining the children.

On the weekends we were 50/50 as well.

So I don't see an issue with that sort of set up, in theory. If your wife wants more children and you're not fussed, then it makes sense that - not working - she takes on the night wakings and early mornings so you're in good shape for work, but you split all your non-working hours evenly (because she deserves time off from her job of being a mum, too!) However, it doesn't sound like she would want to do that, which could lead to resentment building up on both sides, so...it's probably best to not have any more children.

Being a sahm is different to working full time. If she had to get up early to see to kids she can have a nap during the day. She can run her own timetable to suit her. Working full time for an employer is different, you can't just have a nap at work to make up for a disrupted night. Your wife is incredibly selfish not to see that. Share the load equally at weekends, build in rest time for you. The week child/home cover is her job. Wanting more kids would enable her to lead this quite cushy setup lifestyle for longer. Once the current two go to school she might need to get a job!

She wants a swimming pool and you think it's too much work - fine to agree that she's responsible for it. You want gourmet food every day and she's happy with microwave frozen dinners - shift responsibilities so that you handle meals and she picks up something else. One wants a pet and the other doesn't? It impacts you both and will require some work, but generally fair for the person who initiated to be the primary caretaker. One of you doesn't want more children OR isn't prepared to commit absolutely fully to parenting a(nother) child for the next 18+ years? No (more) children.

Yes, it would have been ideal to be in agreement about children before getting married, and before having the first. Many, many couples, even those deeply in love, split up over this, and it hurts like hell. Since you wanted one child and she wanted several, you got further into the process before it became a dealbreaker. But it can also happen that a couple are genuinely in agreement over wanting, say, three children and one person genuinely changes their mind. You still don't have children you don't want.

WHEN AND IF someone does have children, those children necessarily become the top priority, and they are going to know, and suffer, if one of the parents is indifferent or part-time or checked out. Yes, there are single parents and there are cases where one parent HAS to be absent or very busy for a period of time and there are parents who just suck and are neglectful and there's nothing the other parent can do. People make the best of those situations, but intentionally and knowingly CREATING this situation is madness. Don't do it.

This is the part that needs addressing most urgently. You are discussing this as though you're half-way to agreeing to more children [as long as there's no extra effort required from you].

But the most crucial part of the discussion doesn't seem to have been resolved. You don't really want more children. You say that was how you went into this - she knew that and thought she could convince you otherwise. That's on her.

As most PPs have said - don't have more children unless you really want them. Tell her you don't want more children. What she does with that is up to her.

Have you cracked immortality? What happens if something happens to your wife?

Meanwhile you are equally responsible for the children already here, what would the extra you pay for 'bills' provide in the free child care you are receiving?

Are you helping your beloved wife protect her financial future?

You need to speak to her. It wont work at all if you say yes but you wont help as much. When it comes to day to day life that wont be the case. Its not practical to think it will.
Either way it seems you really need to wait a good few years before even contemplating another baby .