AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

I think its fine to say no.

4 teens would involve a lot of running around and as they get older doing sports and clubs its non stop. Can be football every weekend etc and with 4 you would need to divvy it up.

Then there is the cost! And presuming everyone stays in good health.

You seem fundamentally incompatible. Kids are something you are having so you can be with her. She wants kids with someone who finds children just as much of a joy as she does.

It sounds like she has family money. Can you both outsource some of the gruntwork so you can spend more time on the joyful parts? A cleaner, a babysitter to help on some weekends so you can both go out and do fun things occasionally, and so on. Or, is it that, even with more help, you actually just don't want to spend the time with the kids because you don't like being with kids? If it's the latter, then you are back to the problem of being incompatible.

No, I don't; but I'm imagining my intense workdays of 7 or 8am start to 1am finish, then a nightbus home. That was pre-kids. Or my post kids work of 3 jobs (one of which was a night job after the day job) and full time single parent responsibilities. I have zero empathy for a man whining about how hard his 9-5 job is.

You need to have an honest conversation with your wife. No kid deserves to brought into this world unwanted. Talk with her.

OP almost every single person has said pretty much the same thing.

If you don’t want more kids, and if you’re not willing to do 50% of the work of parenting for more kids, then don’t have more kids.

And have a vasectomy pronto.

There is no way the extra kids won’t affect you. Even if your wife agrees to take on most of the work… the house will still be noisier, messier, there will be less money, less free time. Your wife will probably be resentful if you disappear off to the pub and leave her with 3/4 kids at the weekend - even if she had agreed to it.

Honestly this kind of “agreement” would just make you an arsehole and her resentful. Just say no to more kids. 2 is plenty.

You say she’d leave you if you refuse more kids… maybe… but I suspect you’d end up splitting anyway if you attempt the “she does more of the work” version.

Childrearing is full-on. It's not unreasonable for you as the dad to be involved at the weekend as your wife is a SAHM and, relatively unusually, making a financial contribution despite not earning. You expectations of gender roles seem to be stuck in the 1950s.

Please put on hold having any more children until you've found a professional to mediate the conversation you didn't have before you got married. The relationship between number of children / amount of work is more complex than this thread suggests. It depends on how you parent individually and as a couple, your tolerance levels, your energy levels, and the nature of the children nature and nurture deliver, and what domestic help you can afford.

You already sound a bit lazy like the kids are hers not both of yours. I would be firm in my refusal to produce more and if she wants them she can find another sperm donor

Wifey is taking the absolute piss here!

They're your children. 1, 2, 3 or 4. Once they're here, they are a joint responsibility. What if something happened to your wife and you were solely responsible for them?

If you don't want more children, be firm in it, and have a vasectomy. You have control over any more children. If you don't have a vasectomy, at some point, more children will arrive.

You said, I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family. When does your wife get time that is 'properly off'?

You said, 'I find it difficult to wake up at 5-6am especially when I have a full day of work ahead'. Your wife also has a full day ahead. I'd rather have YOUR full day than a full day of two under 5 children. You presumably prefer your own option too.

You claim to really love your wife and want to be with her. You don't sound like a loving, supportive partner. You sound like a person who wants what they want, and the other person has to pick up your slack.

She may not work outside the home but she is providing half of the family income (you said you go 50/50 on everything) and looks after YOUR two children every day. Her work doesn't finish at 5pm so yours shouldn't either. Get home and engage. If you don't want to do child related stuff, cook dinner, do housework, do the laundry, sort out the dishes, dust. It isn't wife work. It's adulting. If you lived alone you'd have to do it. You don't get to step back because she doesn't work outside the home.

So stop treating her like a maid, man up and do your share. And take responsibility for your fertility. She wouldn't be able to force you to have more children if you took adult responsibility for it.

You shouldn't have more children unless you know that is what you want. You should take responsibility for contraception/vasectomy.

You should do 50:50 childcare and household tasks outside your working hours. You and your wife should have equal free time. This means you being responsible for both children sometimes, on your own, in return for time to yourself. You may be someone who finds children easier than babies, as they start to develop their own interests.

If op is out of the house at work all day then why should be required to routinely do nights when the baby wakes up? When I was on mat leave, and my DH was back at work, I did nights. He would have struggled hugely in a professional working environment with no sleep, while I was at home (admittedly with 3 kids), but it is a different situation.

When I too returned to work then of course things had to be divided more equally in that sense.

op, if you don’t want more children then please don’t have them.

If she would be willing to break up the family and leave you because 2 children isn't enough then that is a pretty crap situation.

When you discuss it with her, rather than arguing the toss over the little details like early wake ups, explain the big, long term reasons why you don't want more children.

When she said she wanted 3-4 kids and you wanted 1 that’s when you should have broken up. Instead you agreed that was fine because you wanted to keep her and instead decided to snatch that away from her when she was trapped instead of being honest.

Great job…

And no it’s not fair to have time to yourself away from the family or not wake up for your kids and expect your wife to do 90% of the work. That is called being a dad. You should’ve picked a wife who also wanted one child.

Dont have any more children. But prepare for her to resent you. Because you lied and misrepresented yourself.

DH and I have 4dc and both got up 6am at weekends years ago and occasionally still do as youngest has additional needs. Eldest almost 19. Youngest 8. Stops any arguments over who sleeps longest at weekends 🤷‍♀️

"Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us."

I didn't say it was 50:50, but she contributes significantly more than is usually expected for a SAHM who is earning nothing, so it was disingenous of the poster I was replying to to say it was 100% on the OP to bring in money.

No, this man, father of two is taking the piss. He has children, wife pays half of the cost of everything and he wants her to be the maid too. Doesn't want to get up with HIS children. Expects to be off when he arrives home from work, while she continues with the house, kids, domesticity.

He wants a maid and a nanny with a fanny while she continues to pay half.

She would leave you if you don't agree to 4 children, or more?
Your marriage is not strong if that's the case and it's blackmail. She of course can go and chase her dream of many children without you but I'd not be blackmailed personally. You guys are supposed to be a team.

You shouldn’t have a child that you don't 101% want. That is the bottom line.

My friend was like your wife, when she got to 30 and biological clock was ticking, boyfriends were interviewed as to their willingness to start a family.
She got married and quickly pregnant, husband was okay with this but not keen on a second. Pretty soon she got pregnant again, he went along with it. Then she wanted a third, he didn’t. She got pregnant, once the baby was born he then started going to the pub or the gym on the way home from work until he was sure they were in bed. Fairly soon after they got divorced, before the eldest had even started school…
It’s really not fair on a child to be born to a parent who doesn’t want them. If it’s a deal breaker from your wife then so be it.
I’d also think about how you’d cope if one of you died, could you manage three alone?

It sounds as if you have always been consistent in wanting a maximum of 2 children, as you now have. If you want no more it is reasonable to continue to hold the line on this.

Is it really so likely she would leave you, the father of the 2 children she already has, because of your refusal to have more?

He's only out of the house until 6pm. That is a pretty light day if he's arriving home and doing nothing.

He should be doing nights because it's his baby.

YABU. You either need to commit fully to being a dad of 3/4 with all the early wakings and disturbed nights that it brings or you need to say 'No, I'm done, I don't want any more children.'

You can't half arse parenthood. It's unfair on the children and on your wife who will really struggle with never getting any time to herself.

You are perfectly within your rights to say that 2 feels like enough and you don't want any more. Hell, get a vasectomy if you want to ensure it.

I don't think that 'you want a third child, you do most of the work' is the solution here. Either you're going to end up treating one child differently, or you're going to treat them all differently than you do now, which the older one will notice (if you currently do 50 50). And I don't think it's actually possible to add another tiny needy human into the mix and it not impact at all on your workload.

Your reasons for not wanting another are valid. But your wife isn't listening to you. What's her response when you tell her that you find parenting hard and you don't want to add to that?

I think you need to double down on contraception as this sounds like a situation where an 'accident' could easily happen. I think you then need to go for joint counselling on how to get over this issue, as there is no obvious easy 'compromise', and people in general shouldn't have children that they don't want.

You are not doing your fair share you are doing the basic very bare minimum. This is an APPALLING proposition DO NOT have two unwanted children. There can be no guarantees labour is easy and wife doesn't need care afterwards or she could die mate and you would be stuck with your poor unwanted children as a single dad unless you oalm them off into care, they could be so high need its a two parent job (it should be anyway you are lazy). Dont do it

He pays all the bills, no? She pays for her own spends, her clothes cup of coffee etc and the dentist. He pays to the household bills and the childrens costs, as well as holidays. I am pretty sure his would cost more.

She always made it clear that she’d like 3-4, and jokes that she’ll get her way. She’s never talked about kids in a way that would suggest she’d ever stop at 2. It’s a “given” that she’d have more. I know she’d leave me if I refused to father more children.

Reading this make it sound like she just wants someone to make babies with and right now that someone is you.

If she'd truly leave you, that's really telling, shows who she really is.
I'd settle for that now, be better for you in the long run to have two DC you actually love to look after and pay child maintenance for as opposed to four.