AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

Sounds like a fundamental incompatibility that was either wilfully ignored by both of you, or never really communicated clearly.

Now is the time to sit down and discuss it properly- total honesty and no false hope or unrealistic compromises. Before an "accidental" pregnancy happens and the child suffers.

Her leaving is preferable to having children you don’t want.

Well that makes her sound horrendously selfish but she’s entitled to choose that route if she wants to though.
having a child you don’t want will lead to the relationship breaking down anyway though, so you aren’t choosing between ‘happy marriage with an extra child or two’ and ‘single dad with two’

We agreed on the number of children we had (3). However when I was a SAHM and DH worked full time I always gave him Sunday afternoons 'off'. Now finances have allowed him to drop to 4 days a week so he uses that day instead, but we are both people who need a break from the kids built in to our weeks. It sounds like regardless of whether you have more children you would benefit from discussing something like this with your wife.

I think I might not have gone for number 3 if DH had said he really couldn't face getting up with him at 6am. As I find that stuff really hard too. But your wife might feel differently. There's no harm in having an open conversation about how hard you find it currently and what you feel you could realistically cope with.

You told her you only wanted one child. You set that expectation but you haven’t stuck to it which has blurred her expectations. Honestly, you should have realised you were incompatible at the point she was telling you she wanted more and would have them regardless. This is what happens when partners don’t respect other people’s boundaries and now you already have children involved it’s even more of a mess to get out of.

Don’t have more children. You don’t want them and you don’t want to be a father to them. If she wants more, she will need to leave and find another man or a sperm donor.

Firstly, you shouldn't have more kids than you want. Having or not having kids isn't something you can comprise about.

She wants things to be 50:50 when you are at home. I think that's fair. It's your home and they are your kids. You are basically expected to do the minimums required to actually live. She isn't on her arse all day eating bonbons she is at home working for your family. It doesn't make money but it does have value.

Anyway, if I was you I'd say no more children. It might be a deal breaker for her and she might leave you but that's her choice. I'd have a vasectomy so I am in control of my fertility. If she does leave you you'll still need to step up and parent and manage your own home and all that involves.

Please don't have children that you don't want. Do you really think she'd leave you?

If you have more kids you'll be unhappy and resentful, it's no way to live.

I was a SAHM, my DH works in a finance in the city and works long hours. I took the view that he paid all the bills and I took care of the children. He rarely got up during the nights. At the weekend we did things 50/50 but Monday to Friday it was all me. For 2 years he worked in Germany

Does your wife get a Sunday afternoon away from the chaos?

Commit 50:50 to the ones you have. Consider getting the snip or other form of contraception if you don't want more, and tell your wife why.

Maybe she will leave, but I think that it is easier to say than do with a 1 and 4 year old.

I don’t think you can have more kids. You are being realistic about your limits and it’s just not going to be great on the future kids if you weren’t really wanting them. You will end up resenting both the kids and your wife if you have more just to prevent her walking away - what happens then? If she is a good mum and wife she will recognise that pushing you to have more children than you want isn’t the right thing for anyone, even if it’s a hard swallow for her. I want more children that my husband, but hard as it is, I will stop at his limits. I’d rather my existing children (and me!) have the best of him.

Think about your future kids rather than you or your wife for a moment. You are basically considering fathering kids you don't want.

How is that going to play out long term in how you show up for your kids? In terms of how your kids see you being a father? And judge themselves, and you on it? You are basically saying that if you have more than you already have you are going to opt out of decent parenting.

Please don't do that to them, or yourself.

God knows why you married her jf you didnt agree on planning a larger family. Please don’t have any more, it’s not fair on the prospective kids. You should both have an equal amount of kid free downtime. How you work this out is up to you

I think that both of you should be able to have times where you get breaks e.g one weekend you have an afternoon with your mates, the next weekend she goes out for a morning etc etc. Maybe you go to the gym one night and she goes to a hobby group one night. Things like that. Without planned breaks and solo time , the burnout hits fast. I don’t think any of us would want our lives solely taken up by parenting and work.

Really you need to spell it out to her though if you definitely don’t want more children. And if that is a deal breaker for her and she leaves to find that elsewhere, then from your perspective maybe that’s a good thing as then you become a “50 / 50” dad and get your breaks half the week.

To be fair, I don’t think anyone knows how many children they want until they’ve at least had one! You can say you want four, but once you realise how hard it is you’re entitled to change your mind.

Sorry I was interrupted by my son and it posted! The working in Germany, he was home every weekend.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable about the childcare but agree with everyone else who says you shouldn’t have a child if you have reservations. You need to sit down and agree terms.

Do 50-50 with the kids you have when you are at home.

Also, get the snip. You are entirely within your rights to say no to more children. I very much doubt she’d leave you over it. She would probably have to get a job if she did and no guarantee that she would meet another person to have a kid with.

What is the reason you don’t want to care for your children? Is it exhaustion? Maybe as a family you need some more support.
I think she is reasonable to want your support when you are at home. But you will have different strengths.
Im one of 4 and my Mum says that when Nr 3 comes along it actually becomes easier because you stop fighting the - I don’t like the word chaos - energy that three bring.
Also ever phase of childhood has pluses and minus. Maybe you are not so skilled in the small child phase but excel at tweens and teens.
This is a joint effort between you and your wife. At the moment your descriptions imply it’s you on one side and wife on the other.
Maybe a night nanny for those short (in the scheme of life) disrupted sleep could be possible. Or an au pair.

@UnbeatenMum
when we do discuss it the discussion goes like this basically:
I’ll say that I find it difficult to wake up at 5-6am especially when I have a full day of work ahead, she’ll say she does too and her job has bigger risks (she’s told me before that a “really bad mistake” in my job would be sending an email to the wrong client and leaking some confidential data, in her job it could be accidentally spilling hot water on a child whilst cooking if she’s tired and lacks concentration). Which brings me to my point… it’s such hard work for me that I’m not prepared to take on even more work, if it’s such hard work for you then we shouldn’t have another child, if you want another child despite it being such hard work… then you are prepared to take on more work whilst I am not. Which part outweighs the other? Do you want a child enough that you don’t mind the extra work?

I think you should go to couples counselling to talk this out before you have any other children. She needs to know exactly where she stands before having any more kids.

She's not wrong to want 4 children and you're not wrong to want to stop at 2. If you're willing to compromise then she should too. This means her taking on more of the baby care.

Usually the stay at home parent does the bulk of the house work/child care anyway. Not all of it, of course you still need to pull your weight. Which it does sound like you do with a 70/30 split.

To me your wife sounds unreasonable.

Agreed it is unreasonable to push people for more children than they want and it is quite reasonable for you to say that now you have experienced two, you know that is quite enough for you

I like your wife wanted a large family. We now have 5 DC. My DH was not as fussed as me and was happy to stop at two. The difference is I do most of the work for the DC. I accept I am home most of the day. At the weekends I carry on doing most of the work as I feel my DC works so hard during the week he needs a break. I get the odd break when the children are at school or having a nap. It works for us.

If she's joking that she'll "get her way" I'd be getting the snip urgently if I were you mate!

Your 9-5 job is working for your employer. Your wife's 9-5 job is looking after your home and children. Outside that time, you are equal parents. Being employed in paid work does not mean you get to duck out the rest of the time, and if you get time away from the kids to recharge, so should she. It really pisses me off men who think childcare isn't work and they should only have to occasionally babysit or "help out" with their own damn kids outside work because their money is all they need to bring to the family table and everything else is just gravy. Kids need fathers who do fathering, not just a bloody bank account.

Which brings me to my next point. If you are not doing that much fathering with the two you already have, what on earth are you even considering another two for? If your wife leaves you over not wanting more kids, that shows you are not compatible in the life you want. And you only want to be a part time dad anyway by the sound of it, so being an every other weekend father may well suit you nicely. At least then you won't be bringing unwanted children into the world whose upbringing you won't really be participating in.

Grow up and make some adult choices, and do your fair share with the kids you already have. SMH.

If you'd have more children you don't want just to stop your wife leaving and your wife would break up your family if you don't agree to have more kids then I'm not sure either of you have your priorities straight. You have two children who deserve better than parents who are prioritising themselves.