AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

I don’t at all agree that it’s 50/50 when you are not at work.
SAHM means house are kids are her job predominantly and the family livelihood is yours.

You can’t be expected to do nights when you have to get up and keep your job to keep the family.

Furthermore, this is her vocation and her dream so she should step up.

You should expect your weekends to be predominantly family orientated of course. But I would expect g you to only occasionally do nights.

Your wife will, after all, get a lot of free time once all kids are at school, but you will not till your retire. It’s reasonable therefore, for her workload to be too loaded in these early years, especially as she feels this is her dream.

You should never have more children than you collectively agree on. It sounds like you should have stopped at 1, but now you have two, so that’s where you’re at.

Parenting should be largely 50/50 when you aren’t working. Yes, assuming she is well, she should do the bulk of (but not all of the overnights) especially if you have pressing things on with work the next day that require you to be well rested.

But having been home FT with small children and doing 6am-8pm days with a long London commute, I can tell you that working is definitely easier and less exhausting than being a SAHP. I pretty much ran out of the house and back to the office!

You don’t get to relax and put your feet up because parenting isn’t your passion project. Otherwise, it works the other way too. You get to go out to work instead of being stuck solo parenting 40-50 hours a week. You should be skipping around full of energy because you get to do your thing all week.

When you’re both home, you’re both on duty. You take over from her when you get in because you’ve missed out all day. You both get time to yourselves too. Not everything has to be a family day out all the time. But you get a day off for a hobby or a weekend away, she gets the next day or next weekend or whatever.

@Nevermind17i think this is also partly the issue. Before marriage I knew I wanted 1, it looked like hard work and people said it’s hard work, but this was also the woman I loved and she said she wanted kids, she wanted to do most of the child-related work… how hard could it be?!

Do you want a child enough that you don’t mind the extra work?

Never mind that.

The question you should be asking yourself is 'Do I really want to stay married to a woman who has so little regard for me and the kids we already have, that she'd split the whole family up if I refused to father more'.

I'd never say this unsolicited but I honestly think that having more than 2 kids in the absence of extra family help or paid help is more often than not a really bad idea. Trust your instincts and stick with 2 even if it means some difficult conversations.

This.

You should be 50/50 with any kids you agree to have, but you shouldn't agree to have more kids than you want/ can manage.

Get the snip. If she leaves you, so be it. You will know the marriage wasn't her priority.

You signed up for the large family dream. As per usual, the real true graft and being in the trenches of parenting has got in the way. But your wife is still holding on to the life you both agreed to. Or did you lie?

If it’s any consolation, you might find that more kids actually becomes easier in the long run because they play and distract each other. Certainly the workload becomes peak at 3 (I wanted loads and stopped at 3). Your wife might too.

I would tell her the truth. You don't want anymore children and the 2 you do have are more than enough.

My dh works full time and he misses the kids when he is at work. With each and everyone he has come through the door and done 50:50 after a day's work. So I've cooked, he's cleaned the kitchen. I've hoovered,he gets the kids bathed and ready for bed. It's the same on my days off, I walk through the door and he's cooked and fed the kids so I clean the kitchen and then do homework with the older two and whatever else needs doing.We have 3 kids and it is a busy household as both of us work although I am part time. We see it as being players on the same team. It doesn't matter what capacity we work in it is all for the good of our family.

Do not underestimate how much damage a disengaged or unhappy parent can have on a child's self esteem. If 2 is your limit then that's that. She might well leave you but then that would be her decision to make.

Well I think you are and are not being unreasonable. In your shoes I would not want more children. That is reasonable and understandable.

What is not reasonable is to say I’m going to have children in circumstances in which I’m not fully committed to doing EVERYTHING I need to do to be a good and present parent. Parenting is 100% all of the time. If your child wakes up at 5 am and needs you, you need to be prepared to be there for them (by which I mean for THEM not as a favour to your wife or as some sort of trade off or bargaining chip).

Yanbu not to want more than two children.

You need to get a vasectomy. The power is entirely in your hands to do so and you should stop hand wringing and just do it.

Imo you are also not being unreasonable that as a SAHM she should do more of the parenting, but that's a separate debate (that's been done a bazillion times on MN)

In your shoes I would be getting a vasectomy, you don't want more children so you need to put your money where your mouth is, take responsibilty for your own fertility.

You're incompatible as to the number of children you want. If you don't want more kids, don't have them. If your wife leaves because she wants more kids over an intact family, that's her choice.

That said, you work full time and she is staying at home so how is 50/50 childcare going to work? I think that's a very unreasonable expectation, especially if you have a job where it could be dangerous to you or others to be sleep deprived. She's home and she should be doing the majority of the childcare, especially since she wants a large family.

It sounds like she might have married you to basically have a sperm donor and do half the childcare work. If that could be true, get the snip.

@dadtosomekids You need to take control of this ASAP.
I know someone who decided to have a 3rd with no conversation with her DH. She actively misled him.
He was at the clinic for a vasectomy before she hit 12wks.

They're still together, but the relationship is strained and he has lost all empathy for her/resents her, and does as little as possible with their youngest (who is now a teenager).

Definitely get the snip!

You are being really unreasonable. You do not do 50:50 childcare now. Your wife does the lion's share while you get to go to work, further your career and build up your pension. For reference, being out of the house 8am-6pm is an easy day workwise. Assuming an hour for travel each way, it's a standard 9-5 job. And people who actually parent don't get time off, unless they can afford to leave the children with someone trustworthy and go out by themselves.

It is not, unreasonable, however, to say that parenting isn't what you expected, it's more responsibility than you're prepared to accept and you don't ever want any more children. No doubt that will be a hard conversation to have, but it needs to be said. It may be the end of your marriage and it may not. She's not unreasonable to want more children; you're not unreasonable to say you don't want anymore. (You'd be a total dick to reluctantly agree to have more children if your wife does even more than she already does.)

She wants everything to be very 50/50

Except when it comes to actually going out to work and earn money. Then it’s 100% on you.

No.
Just no.

I have very similar aged children.

Your financial situation is... weird.

Beyond that:

1. her expectations are maybe slightly off (ie you shpuld be doing some night but honestly if you have a big meeting or something she shpuld help)
2. You dont want more.

I would strongly recommend you take charge of your own future and use condoms AND get a vasectomy. (I am anti accidental pregnancy and pro double contraception and used the pill and condoms myself 😅)

I'd also get into marriage counselling. If she would break up a family over needing more kids shes selfish. Equally you.need to prioritise the family you've got and lean in... while you might not loveeeee parenting you signed up for 2 so you need to pull your weight.

I also think combined you guys have it "easy"....my dh and i are both FT. We are out 8-6 kids go down 6-8pm and then we work 8-10 most nights in a demanding jobs.

She has her own money.

Just tell her you don't want any more. Not that yes we'll have more but I'm opting out of parenting them sufficiently. That's not fair on them.

I’d dump her tbh, OP. She sounds selfish. @dadtosomekids

Grow up, OP, and communicate. An actual adult doesn't have children they don't want because they have somehow 'pre-agreed' them. You are responsible 50/50 outside your working hours for the two children you have.

Don't have yet more children you don't want, and then whinge about having to look after them. These children are actual people who deserve to be wanted by both parents, not to have come into the world as part of a juvenile wrangle between parents that should have been resolved long before it got to the stage of having any.

We had/have 3 children who were born within 5 years of each other. Given the choice DH would have had more, but after the last one I was done & he had the snip. I worked 09:00-14:00 3 days a week. DH had his own catering business which was a 7 day a week job. He also played sports. However DH would go for a run before DCs were awake so that he could do breakfast & the morning school run. He took the DCs out every Sunday morning (admittedly, not always with good grace) so that I could have a lie-in & some 'me time', he also did his fair share of laundry, ironing and housework.

3 children is blooming hard work especially once they get older & start having their own social lives & activities. I sometimes felt that I saw more of the inside of my car than my living room as I spent so much time driving kids around. I used to joke that I went to work for a rest as at least you get a coffee break when you actually get to drink a drink while it's still hot at work, you know when you've finished and can walk away.

I understand that you feel that it may be the end of your marriage if you refuse to have more children, but you could start to feel increasingly resentful which could also spell the end of your marriage.

As a mother who works...This is utter bullshit.

It is much easier to be tired with a child than tired in work

If you dont want divorce and she is insisting she will if you dont have a third... I'd put it back on her.
Just be clear. If she wants more kids she's needs to do more because its what she wants, not you shes the driver of it so she needs to do the legwork. Its not "shared" and you are at capacity. You need more like an 80/20 split and it needs to start now before you try for a third. If she's happy.to do that cool. If not then she is choosing not to have a 3rd, not you.

Honestly in all SAHM couples I know the mothers do way more than the dads when we socialise at weekends you can see who is SAHM vs working mum.

Do you really want a relationship with someone who threatens to leave you if you don't have more children? That's not a partnership.