AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

Just because your choices/outcomes were insane/unlucky it doesn't mean everyone else should be judged by them.

Honestly, the whole "I've had it worse than everyone" schtick is ridiculous.

When does your Wife get to spend Saturday afternoon in the pub without the kids?

It doesn't sound like you are that invested in the ones you've got.

Tell your wife honestly so that she can make her own decisions.

You work 8-6 on weekday... you seem to think that because she's opted to look after your young children she should do that 24/7.. except for the times when you occasionally chip in to "help" which is seen as a real kindness/favour because you don't see it as your role at all.

You seem to want all the benefits of having a wife, children, family home, without any of the downsides which are that it is jolly hard work looking after young children 24/7. You say you work 8-6 but so does she, she is working as a child carer, housekeeper etc. Weekends are when you should share the care. Most fathers actually find this quite rewarding. My DH couldn't wait for the weekends and spent a lot of time taking them to sports lessons and other outings.

Finally.
"I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour."

But you expect your wife to do all of these things that you can't. I think this really sums up your attitude towards your wife and children... you just aren't into it.

Seriously, you need to tell her this so she can make her own decisions about whether she can put up with this or not. Its not fair to keep all this resentment under your hat without giving her the choice too.

On the one hand you have things insanely easy with your wife.

Although you work, you have a full time SAHM PLUS she pays 50% of the household bills and pays for all her own expenses.

So you have the benefit of full time childcare and half the bills being paid; very few people get this.

If you split up, you’d probably have to do/pay for more childcare AND pay all household expenses by yourself.

That said, no one should have more children than they want and you seem set at two, so that’s all you should have.

No, this man, father of two is taking the piss. He has children, wife pays half of the cost of everything

She pays nowhere near 50/50.

Hmm, wonder if this is one of these man threads where he doesn’t get the replies he wants and doesn’t come back? Seems a lot of them lately.

He said they paid 50/50 because she had family money. So while she isn't working outside the home, they share costs.

He pays the household bills doesn't he? Says in original post.

This is such a tricky situation @dadtosomekids I think it's very wise of you to admit you're at your limit and cannot take on anymore. That's absolutely fine. It's better to acknowledge this, than just be steamrolled into having another couple of children, then you becoming so overwhelmed and burnt out that you cannot cope or become utterly miserable. Everyone will suffer in that situation.

I can absolutely see from your wife's view too, her maternal instincts are craving another and another. I get that too. And yes, it's fair to parent 50/50.

However, you both need a break each week, whether you both individually get a morning or afternoon or evening to recharge.

What are your wife's plans for when the youngest child starts school? She already has her wealth, will she just be chilling and enjoying life then? Then still expect 50/50 parenting whilst you're not at work? Just wondering if either of you have thought that far ahead yet.

In terms of a vasectomy which many have said, whilst I do think that is wise, absolutely do not go ahead with this before full discussions with your wife. To go and do this without her knowledge would be a huge betrayal and would probably end your marriage.

There are no winners in this situation. I do think as you've hit your limit that you shouldn't have more. It's just how to frame that to your wife. I'd explain to her pretty much what I said in my first paragraph.

I do get your wife's yearning for more (although, I personally didn't want a large family), but I do understand women who do, but realistically, we don't always get what we want in life, and sometimes compromises have to be made, I do think it would be somewhat selfish of her to demand another two children, when you already expressed you had only ever wanted one.

You cannot resolve this without one of you being unhappy. I do feel in this case it should be your wife, as I don't feel it's fair to bring more children into a family where a parent is already at their limit with parenting life.

The house is 50/50%, the household bills and the childs clothes, household holidays, nursery are paid for by him. So it says in original post.

He says that the house stuff is paid for 50/50

No, the house. As in bricks not bills.

OP, can you clarify who pays for what?

He did!

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

I actually think your suggestion is completely reasonable. But in practice, she's gonna resent you not doing 50/50 and your marriage probably won't do well, potentially won't survive the resentment.

So I think all you can realistically do is be honest and firm that you want no more kids. You say she'd leave you - and she might - but the alternative will likely end your marriage too (and in a worse way) so I think you just need to hold firm on saying you don't want any more kids and it's a deal-breaker for you for the marriage.

I totally get you op, its one thing being 50/50 24/7 when both parents are working but 50/50 when there is only one income, regardless of how much personal money she has, its not sustainable for you as a person. Her thought process of danger between between her "job" and yours is quite frankly ridiculous. Plenty of us here have been single parents from the start and working. I have never caused any serious harm to either of my children in the sleep deprived stages.

How is the house balance? do you have to do house chores on weekend as I see it as the SAHP job Mon to Fri to do the bulk so there should be little to do at the weekend bar putting washing on or putting hoover around. Especially when one is in nursery every morning (why no free hours btw?)

It always baffles me this place. If this were reversed the woman would be handed her arse on a plate for being so selfish and entitled.

That was not my point. You are quite right that it should not be a race to the bottom. My point was, 9am - 5pm, with only an hour's travel is not a long work day. It's certainly not hard enough to be incapable of parenting your children.

@mindutopia”not everything has to be a family day out all the time” I really feel this.
id love to have a system, like some of you have suggested, where, let’s say, on saturday afternoons one of us is off. One week I go to watch some football, the next she meets a friend for afternoon tea. She doesn’t want this though. I’ve suggested it before. If she goes out without the kids (rarely, like once every couple of months, because she doesn’t like to be away from them) I will get texts “how are the children?” “If you’re out for a walk, is Child 1 wearing a hat and did you ask Child 2 whether she wants to take a scooter?” “Which trainers did you put on Child 1?” “What did you feed them for lunch?” This isn’t because I’m an incompetent parent - she does the same with her own mum when she babysits for our date nights. She’s admitted she enjoys being around the children far more than she enjoys a brunch with her friends. Her choice. But then she expects me to rarely take time off at weekends too. If I say I am going to watch some football (again, rarely, because I don’t like her reaction) she’ll remind me that I’m a dad, ask what time I’ll be home, act like she’s heroically managed the kids alone all day when I do come home…

I also think it’s pretty sad that your wife says her whole meaning in life and purpose is to have kids! what about her career, her hobbies, interests, seeing the world etc!? Life is all about balance and she doesn’t seem to have any

So she pays 50% of the mortgage payments?

@dadtosomekids

urgh how sad and claustrophobic!

During the week I dont think its unreasonable??? The other 2 will be all night sleepers (in most circumstances) by time no3 arrives.

When you're in charge of the kids, you should be in charge. She should not be micromanaging you. You do childcare your way. If she doesn't like it, she can do the other thing.

The OP explained she spends her money on coffee and clothes. She isn’t earning family money. That’s on the OP to do.

I voted YABU.

Simply because you say you dint enjoy bring a parent but will relent if you can be a Disney dad - aka step away from your responsibilities as a father.

im sorry but NO.
You’re a dad and step up or you decide that 3 dcs is too much and you say No.
Just own up to the fa t that you dintvreally want to be a father!

Hust imagine, you say Yes, have 4 kids. But it’s putting a strain on the marriage (because it will) abd you decide to get divorced,
How are you going to cope with having 4 children on your own 50% of the time?
What if your dwife has an accident, becomes disabled, dies?? Will you just the dcs away to someone else to look after them? No? What do you think the impact would be on you or those children?

I’m sorry but you said Yes to her knowing she wanted a big family.
you’re planning to say Yes whilst making her agree to step down from your role as a father. All to kerp ‘your love’/woman regardless of tye cost to her or the (potential) children.
Thats crap.