90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

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My grandma is 90 and there will be a massive afternoon party for just two hours in a hotel paid for my mum, aunt and uncle.

All her descendants, their partners plus nieces and nephews without partners and one surviving sibling and two of her surviving cousins, one with husband. The surviving sibling and cousins will have one of their children with them given their advanced age.

Grandma does not want my cousin’s two stepchildren invited , they are teenagers who live almost exclusively with their mother.

Cousin has said her husband doesn’t want her to go with her elder child and their joint child.

Elder child’s dad has stepped in and insists that he will take child himself and sit in bar to wait for him.

My cousin, brother of this cousin is coming home from Japan for this.

My aunt has said she will make sure their joint child will be there as well.

What for you all think about this? Is cousins’ husband unreasonable.

She is worried he will push them into significant photos

Quelle horreur!

Seriously, granny isn’t as lovely as you think she is. We have teen/young adult stepkids in my family (my DB’s) and we love them to bits, only wish we saw more of them. Unless there is some significant backstory that you haven’t told us?

What does your cousin think? Does she see her stepchildren as family? If so, I think it's definitely wrong for them to be excluded and I think if they were my stepchildren, I'd decline the invite for our wider family. I presume she quite likes her husband even if the rest of you don't. I'd also take "threats" from family members very badly.

My adored Grandfather was not related to me and when forced to choose by his mother (who allegedly was a lovely woman according to her daughters), chose my Grandmother and her children.

From the information provided, I don't think any of the adults come out of the situation great. You clearly have a large family and it's 2 hours. Surely someone can run interference to stop him pushing his children in. Besides they're teenagers... do they really want to be in photos? When was the last time he tried "pushing" them into photos?

This.
People manage photographs at weddings of just family etc. It’s all very OTT.
Granny doesn’t sound a very pleasant woman.
Also, OP, you seem to have your mind made up that granny is in the right so I’m struggling to see the point of you posting this thread!

It's not exactly twisting the knife if the step kids don't come.

Wouldn't they be enjoying themselves somewhere else?

Why all the anger at a 90 year old matriarch?

Meanwhile, two teenagers are thinking "Why would I want to attend my step mothers Grandmothers birthday oarty? She's not my Great grandmother"

I don't think your GM sounds poisonous or unreasonable. From my understanding, she doesn't have a relationship with the two step grand children as they live mostly with their mother.

Cousin's husband is being somewhat unreasonable to stop his wife taking her child and their shared child to the party and going with her. I'd take them anyway and let my husband stay at home on his own. It's good of the father of the eldest child to offer to take them so the Grandmother can see them.

Sounds a bit complicated tbh but really, she's a 90 year old lady who can invite who she wants to her party.

I think the MN massive are out in force again. If it was Granny's wedding (or anyone else's for that matter) then that would be a different story as (according to the MNetters) you can invite who you like to your own wedding - your wedding - your rules. Why can't Granny invite who she wants to her party? Storm in a tea cup. They are teenagers so probably wouldn't be that fussed about going to an old lady's party anyway, especially if she is not a relative that they have a relationship with. Their Dad is being unreasonable.

Cousin’s husband is bang out of order telling his wife she can’t go to her own grandmother’s tea!! Who tf does he think he is? Worse, he wants to ban his totally unrelated child - but actually related to the grandmother - too! He has equal say over the joint child but what a wanker for stopping that child going to its great-grandmother’s party. For a man so insistent on “family”, he’s behaving awfully.

His own children aren’t invited and I don’t see why they should be. He shouldn’t be invited with an attitude like his. And he has no right to stop his wife going to her own family’s gathering with her own children. He sounds plain nasty.

I don't understand why your grandma is excluding them, it was always going to cause issues and in the end, she risks not having the people she actually wants there due to bad feeling. Does it really matter if they come? It seems unkind to exclude them. I'd also caution that people tend to remember these kind of things even if it isn't aimed at them, and it colours their view of them in the future. Mm example was grandparent leaving one grandchild out of the will for no reason, it definitely affected my view as one of the other grandchildren.

How long has your cousin been their step-mum?

I think grandma is being rude for spesifically saying she is not wanting the step children there. However, in real life in these situations the step children would not want to attend even in invited. In my experience usually teenagers are fully aware that these people are "my dad's wives relatives" and nothing more, they wouldnt consider grandma to be a family member and therefore would have no incentive to want to be there.

Yes I agree with this.

The step children don’t live with granny’s relatives. They live with their own mother. Why would granny invite them?

Cousins eldest child is being supported by their father, but I think there is another great grandchild who will be excluded unless OPs cousin stands up to her husband.

You would think by the grand old age of 90, you would have had a lot of family/life experiences and would be more welcoming, in general.
Guess she's one of those "not blood" people 🙄

She is unreasonable and controlling, let her do as she pleases, if making a fuss makes her feel good, let her be, it is her party.

You, grandmother and the rest of your family are not being unreasonable. He’s the one causing the issues by trying to repeatedly force his teenage children into being considered part of the family equal to the children that are actually relatives. Some families may choose to approach blended families in that way, but it isn’t something anyone ‘has’ to do, and nor is it something that can be forced.

I’m glad his stepson’s father isn’t rolling over here, and is supporting his son. It didn’t read to me like the aunt was threatening to kidnap her grandchild either, but that she’s knows her daughter wants and intends to go with her youngest child.

I think its sad that at the age of 90 your grandmother hasn't learned a little perspective. All that family surrounding her, travelling distances, trying to make things special, an event most people would think was a sign of their good fortune, and she has chosen to inject negativity into a positive thing.
I suppose given its her party your cousin will have to be the bigger person or no doubt you'll not hear the last of it from her. Which will be a shame as it will ruin it for those who've tried to do a nice thing.

Exactly this

Granny sounds nasty and if I was cousin I wouldn’t be attending nor would my child.

I don't think your granny sounds like a nice person at all, tbh. More like a wannabe matriarch. Horrible behaviour to exclude cousin's stepkids.

Imagine getting to 90 and being this petty

All in all grandma has invited who she invited. It is upto the cousin to decide how she wants to handle this with her family.

And so plays out the latest chapter of "Unhappy Blended Families" where an adult wishes to erase previous relationships and ask everyone to play along with their fantasy that the previous relationships didn't happen and that everyone is just the same.

These two teens will have other grandparents. That's how it works.

I don't think your granny is necessarily U to not want the older stepkids there. I think she's very U to make that choice and then suddenly turn on the waterworks and get the rest of the family to start emotionally blackmailing your cousin because she and her husband want to either turn up as a full family or not.

If granny doesn't want these kids there, the outcome of that is likely to be that their half sibs and parent/stepmother aren't there either. That's life.

Feels a bit petty though right? To specifically say make sure those two step kids aren’t invited to my birthday party please. I should imagine that it’s not just DGM who is causing the drama but OP is laying the blame at her feet so we can only go off what we’re told

She wont be alive for much longer really, just dont expect them two poor kids to bother going to the funeral. Can't stand this 'family is blood only' outdated shite.

I hope if I make it to 90, I’m not bothered about this kind of small stuff, making 2 children feel unwanted and an inconvenience. I get a feeling from some of the OP responses, it’s them more than the Granny who’s not happy about these KIDS being included!

Horrendous behaviour from your grandma. She’s certainly not ‘lovely’.