90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

[Unlisted]

My grandma is 90 and there will be a massive afternoon party for just two hours in a hotel paid for my mum, aunt and uncle.

All her descendants, their partners plus nieces and nephews without partners and one surviving sibling and two of her surviving cousins, one with husband. The surviving sibling and cousins will have one of their children with them given their advanced age.

Grandma does not want my cousin’s two stepchildren invited , they are teenagers who live almost exclusively with their mother.

Cousin has said her husband doesn’t want her to go with her elder child and their joint child.

Elder child’s dad has stepped in and insists that he will take child himself and sit in bar to wait for him.

My cousin, brother of this cousin is coming home from Japan for this.

My aunt has said she will make sure their joint child will be there as well.

What for you all think about this? Is cousins’ husband unreasonable.

The father of these children clearly has a strong belief that his existing children should be included in the extended family of his second wife. The extended family appears to disagree, for whatever reason. He has form for pushing the issue. It’s unreasonable of him given his children from his first marriage will have family on the maternal side via their mother. All part of the complicated dynamics associated with step families and blending. He should not be throwing his weight around. He sounds like a dick. I’m team Granny.

A few people have asked about the context.

Married since step kids were babies and in all other families lives - granny would be unreasonable.

Married last year and step kids never met granny - granny would not be unreasonable

And all other shades of grey in the middle.

If granny doesn't want them, they mustn't go. Who the hell thinks they or their children have a divine right to be at a party?

I'm so glad I am not in a family where anyone would be anything but delighted if a couple more teens wanted to join in.

Thre are people in my wedding photos I no longer ever see - I really could not care less.

I think it is your grandmothers party and as its a sit down meal, she gets to decide.

Up to your cousin to sort her husband out.
If they lived with her then I think it would be different but they are teens living mostly with their mother.

They clearly are not viewed as family.
Better your cousin doesn't attend.

The grandma is being horrible to exclude a child that is now family.
It would be hurtful for his other siblings to be invited to a massive party, but he's not wanted

😂I'd love to see your perspective when you're 90. Honestly some of these replies.

I present you today's mumsnet scapegoat: 90 year old Granny.

Lived through the Blitz, evacuation, rationing, the Cold War, the oil crisis, several economic recessions, lockdown. Went from coal fires and outdoor toilets to hybrid cars and smartphones. Covid. And now she can add being disgraced by grumpy self righteous posters on Mumsnet to her bucket list.

She is probably doing these poor teens a huge favour. Imagine hanging out at a 90th pub lunch as a 13 or 15 year old with people you barely know? They'll just be on their phones right?

As a pp said, these teens and their mother would never consider inviting step granny to their wedding.

These teens are not victims, they're just normal.

Sorry but 90 or not, it’s horrible.

If you read the threads on here almost everyone. On mums net it is a capital crime to not invited the whole world and its cousins.

‘If he’s annoyed he shouldn’t try and guilt his wife and stop his stepson and younger son from going.‘

I agree. He sounds controlling.

I wonder if it isn't coming more from the Aunt, the Step children's Father's MIL?😁
Granny's children are paying for the meal, Aunt can't stand the pushy son-in-law and Granny is copping the blame?

Granny does not deserve a party.

I think at 90 she’s allowed to say who she wants at the party.

90 or not Granny sounds like a nasty cow. Why would she care who comes along to a party that she isn’t even paying for. Was she always controlling and is she the type of person who is the matriarch of the family and where people dance to her tune?

I have to say I think once you reach the age of 90 you can invite who you want. Everyone else has to manage with her wishes.

Indeed.

Isn't it up to the hosts to invite or not, not Granny?

When husband & I married, MIL didn't think that a cousin's step daughters should be invited.

We were paying so we invited them.

If I live to 90 in good enough health for a party, and I have enough people round me to fill the room, then I'd consider myself a fortunate wonan with a life well lived. And for certain I'd not be wasting what was left of it causing fuss and drama about whether two teenagers were in the room or not.
I'd be so busy reminiscing with my peers, glad we were still alive together, and looking at the family I'd created and taking pleasure in their happiness, not looking for ways to cause trouble. Because I'd not do that now, why would I do it at 90? It's ageist to assume that as people get older they get unpleasant.

Why? What is there to understand? Any chance you could explain because I cannot understand this at all, I completely get that everyone has different opinions etc which is why I’m really interested to know why you understand why she doesn’t want them there

Seems quite spiteful to exclude them. It doesn't sound like an intimate gathering so I can't imagine 2 more teens would spoil the dynamic.

My favourite saying is embrace what you can’t control.
let them come and let them be in the photo. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter. As long as the important people to her are in it. Maybe get photos taken in all sorts of combinations so easier to have one without the step children. If you leave the one you want until last, give others the nod you’re doing this, hopefully the children will be fed up of posing.

I honestly do t think that at her 100th birthday my grandmother would have remembered which of her grandchildren or great grandchildren were original step or half or whatever. Not because she had any level of cognitive impairment even at her advanced age. But because she delighted in the company of her gorgeous loving and loved family that she made no such distinctions

If it’s just about photos, just tell the photographer to do their job and make sure they get the photos she wants. No need for drama.

Airbrush the unwanted guests out of photos, job done.

She sounds like hard work tbh. I mean does it matter, the more the merrier surely.