90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

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My grandma is 90 and there will be a massive afternoon party for just two hours in a hotel paid for my mum, aunt and uncle.

All her descendants, their partners plus nieces and nephews without partners and one surviving sibling and two of her surviving cousins, one with husband. The surviving sibling and cousins will have one of their children with them given their advanced age.

Grandma does not want my cousin’s two stepchildren invited , they are teenagers who live almost exclusively with their mother.

Cousin has said her husband doesn’t want her to go with her elder child and their joint child.

Elder child’s dad has stepped in and insists that he will take child himself and sit in bar to wait for him.

My cousin, brother of this cousin is coming home from Japan for this.

My aunt has said she will make sure their joint child will be there as well.

What for you all think about this? Is cousins’ husband unreasonable.

I think the dad is the shit stirrer. And disrespectful of his elders by forcing her / them ( the ones paying) into accommodating him and his child becuse he’s willing to barrel in and assert himself while sitting in the adjacent bar.

I like to think being 90 brings a certain comfortableness to doing what you want and saying what you want without juggling everyone else’s demands and capitulating to the most annoying person in the family.

if it’s impossible to keep him and teen away and they insist on being in photos prepare the photographer ahead of time. They can place teen on the end and edit the photo. Take him right out of this photo if it does not align with others desired photos of the event. Due to my complicated divorce several times I have spoken to a photographer or the hired security at a venue to minimize disruption. It won’t be the first for the photographer
snd it’s never surprising to security. Funerals weddings often bring the rogue relatives out.

They're really not. Grandma doesn't really know them, so they're not 'as much family' to her. She wants a record of her special occasion with the family members that she knows and loves.

If it's mostly about the photos, I'd be asking the photographer if he can Photoshop them out afterwards.

It sounds as though there wouldn't be an issue if the cousin wasn't so pushy and insistent. I doubt that his kids want to see themselves as 'as much family' either.

This ^
Perfect post.

Tbh I think everyone is unreasonable here.
Your family have an incredibly weird attitude towards these poor kids but equally it’s up to your gran who she invites, even if her reasoning seems unfair.

Not really. I’m sure they won’t want to go to a sit down meal for a 90 year old they barely know. But their father clearly has an agenda and will make them go which will make the situation even more awkward and difficult.

Honestly, what is the point of your posting? You clearly have your mind made up not to invite these poor kids, so why come on here to battle everyone who says Granny is being mean?

I lived with my grandparents well into their 90's, and they are not some febel old doddger, more than able to speak their mind. So what if they are in photos. Glad I'm not in your family!

Nah ,that's mean
I've read lots of threads on here ,about similar issues , children being left out .
If the parents are married,the the family should accept step children as grandchildren
If not married,ok
But these cousins are married and the children of these parents are now a family
So grandma is causing drama and upset and bad feelings

LayaM

To my cousin’s husband the children are as important to him than the youngest but it’s only the youngest who is related to my grandma. He is also trying to guilt my cousin and her eldest son not to go. I think this is disgusting.

Granny is neither paying for or arranging the party . Presumably it's the people who are doing the arranging who are also doing the inviting . It just seems a bit unkind of Granny .

First post nails it

Loving the idea of an impostor descendant.

This thread has tickled me. I am imaging myself as a future matriarch pulling strings and getting adored and celebrated and being so popular that even unrelated step grand people want to come and wish me happy birthday🎂

Great thread.

I'm team granny

She sounds rather petty

Whoever it is that not invited doesn't go. It seems unnecessarily mean spirited to so openly exclude the two teens. But chances are they might not have that much fun at a 90 year olds tea party anyway.

If the dad of the kids is offended then he can choose to decline. But his wife and kids should go if they want to and were invited. But again they don't have to if they think it's unkind to exclude the teens.

Yes they’re his children - but ‘he’ isn’t a grandchild of granny. He married into the family. That doesn’t give him the right to decide that his older unrelated children should also now be a full part of the family he married into.

God I hate when people care more about a silly photo then actual people in their feelings.

Photoshop exists if she's really that bothered.

I agree with you that cousin's husband sounds like a prick. He's emotionally manipulative and I can see why the teens live mostly with their mum.

Also I'm with granny: she has no obligation to invite them. In fact this sort of thing can get out of hand. I was in a stepfamily reluctantly while I was growing up. Stepmother would come to see my dad's relatives with us, always pushing herself to the front. Now my dad's dead and she's still there, pushed right in to family events with people to whom she isn't properly related. V annoying.

I could not imagine having a huge party thrown for me ,and deliberately leaving out two children..it's a whole other level of mean ,

What about granny's feelings? Why can't a 90 year old have the sort of party she wants with the people she wants?

It hinges really upon how long the SCa have been in the family. If its since baby/toddler hood it seems a bit mean. Also have they had much of a relationship with Granny?
I must add that if I was 13/14 ish teenager there would be no way I would be going to old peoples parties, I would be bored stiff and my face would show it 😬😬

You love your step grandchildren as much as your biological children? Really?

Well with that logic she wouldn’t be inviting the husbands/wives/partners of her relations either as not biologically related to them.

Personally if I were to have a family party, I would invite the whole family and the teens are part of that family.

Do people really care that much about photos? Even if she stares at it everyday, I can’t see how having two extra people there could ever upset me.

Also ...this will be causing issues in the cousins marriage,why would granny want to cause bad feelings and upset between husband and wife ..
I suspect there is some background between granny and the husband
So the husband is not invited????
By causing a fuss he's ensuring he gets invited if his children do ?
I bet it's the husband granny doesn't like

That's the answer. The photographer has a brief of what official photos to take - just like at a wedding.
If people then want to take their own photos, they do that afterwards.
I'm sure a professional photographer must encounter lots of pushy people on a regular basis and have ways of dealing with them.

Ughh she doesnt sounds lovely. Open hearted people are lovely.

That logic means that every son in law and daughter in law should also be excluded.

its pretty nasty to exclude children