90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

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My grandma is 90 and there will be a massive afternoon party for just two hours in a hotel paid for my mum, aunt and uncle.

All her descendants, their partners plus nieces and nephews without partners and one surviving sibling and two of her surviving cousins, one with husband. The surviving sibling and cousins will have one of their children with them given their advanced age.

Grandma does not want my cousin’s two stepchildren invited , they are teenagers who live almost exclusively with their mother.

Cousin has said her husband doesn’t want her to go with her elder child and their joint child.

Elder child’s dad has stepped in and insists that he will take child himself and sit in bar to wait for him.

My cousin, brother of this cousin is coming home from Japan for this.

My aunt has said she will make sure their joint child will be there as well.

What for you all think about this? Is cousins’ husband unreasonable.

I can see both sides really your Nan isn't unreasonable for not wanting them as part of photos (and therefore not wanting them there if their Dad is going to push the issue) but also your cousins DH isn't unreasonable to not tolerate his children being excluded from a family party, although he gets no say in if his stepchild is there or not he does get a say in if the joint child is there (reasonable or not). I would suggest they both find a compromise as in the stepchildren can be there at the party but with the understanding they aren't part of (or at least not all) significant photos.

sounds like grandma can’t have it all her own way… she can exclude two children and their immediate family won’t come or she can invite the whole family and have her ‘precious’ photos ruined.

The thing is with blended families, you can’t change how wider family views / treats you but you can respond how you choose. And actually, not taking some of your children to a family event because your other children are not invited is reasonable.

i live 5 hours from my ‘step’ family. I’ve never not been invited and it’s never been an issue if I can’t make it.

My cousin’s husband is invited as my cousin’s spouse.

I would bet that if his eldest, unrelated children were invited, they wouldn’t want to come but would be forced to attend.

It is my cousin’s ex husband who will facilitate his own child’s attendance and will sit in the bar during the party.

The dad sounds weird.

They should be part of the family and shouldn’t be excluded and rubbed out when it suits.

This really illustrates your grandma’s true view on extended/mixed families.

I think you’re getting the dads confused.

The dad saying he’ll sit in the bar is not the parent of the step grandchildren. He’s the parent of the cousin’s older child.
He’s saying “if my ex wife and her current husband don’t take my child to this family party to which they are invited, I will take them and sit in the bar next door so that they still get to go”

She's not punishing anyone. Stepchildrens dad is a dickhead with form for shoving them in where they're not invited.

They are not granny's family. There's nothing wrong with only inviting her family.

What a spiteful old woman.

What feelings exactly? The sole reason given for them not attending is that she doesn't want them in the photos. In my opinion that's truly pathetic.

Cousin's husband is a cunt and is bullying an old woman.

Maybe cousin should change her plus one to the ex husband who sounds reasonable and low drama.

I can understand why your Grandma wants photos of just her blood relatives in the decendants photos. At 90 it is not much to ask to have photo groups with just the children she gave birth to and then with each generation.

There will be groups of photos where it doesn’t matter if they are included but for a tiny number e.g. Grandma with their DC, Grandma with grandchildren etc. they are not included.

The issue is if the Step Children are invited, pushy in-law will insist they are in the photos.

I would invite them to the meal but making it absolutely clear beforehand in writing that there will be some ( not all) photos they are not included in. If they cannot respect that for a 90 year olds birthday wish then they are not invited. The choice is then theirs.

On the day, if necessary I would rope in your DH or another in law to distract the pushy-in-law and step children when the photos are being taken.

I think Granny is being ridiculous not inviting them. They are young teens so presumably have been in the cousin's life since they were really small and are also young enough to be hurt.

However I also think the dad is being OTT making a big fuss of it, even though he has a right to be a bit hurt and annoyed.

Sounds like cousins DH has caused the issue by being pushy with his kids in the past. Why is he so keen for them to be pushed forward?

It pushes people the other way. Grandma can have who she wants at the party. He can’t stop his wife taking her/their other child(ren).

I doubt teenagers would even want to go.

Grandma is in the wrong, sorry. I'm glad my step Grandma didn't treat me that way.

Oh for fuck’s sake they can be excluded or photoshopped out. My mother is 93 and we have three big parties a year for her at this pint and she would never be so mean. There are obvious work arounds so why be perty and hostile? What does evil cousin’s husband “win” if his kid is in a photo? You all are delusional as though you were a royal family afraid of interlopers taking the throne.

Your grandma sounds like she doesn’t deserve a party. What an ugly thing to do right at the end of your time on this earth.

Why does it have to become a step children issue?
Just have the event as the GM wants it.
Cousins partner should row in.

Just be a use someone is old they don’t automatically become a nice person.
The grandmother sounds poisonous.

I thought as much it’s about the photos. I wouldn’t want non family in photos too if I wanted one. Why do people who make the choice to blend families then push this on to everyone. GM has every right to want her GC there, not two that are NO relation to her.

Seriously? She doesn't know her grandchilds partners children from his first marriage ffs. They're not related to her.

I think it is horrible to exclude the step children. They may not be blood relatives of your grandmother but they are your cousin's family by marriage in the same way her husband it. It doesn't matter who they live with full time.

Imagine if this was a thread saying a brother had invited his sister and her husband to his wedding but only 2 of their 4 children - the ones who shared his blood so not any adopted/step children. Everyone would say he was being a dick and it was the whole family or none.

I think some of the vitriol directed at a 90 year old woman who you don't even know is quite horrific - poisonous, ugly? Maybe you should have a think about how you're coming across.

I don't think your grandma comes across as lovely in this. She's excluding two of a set of four siblings from a family event because she's worried they'll spoil her photos...

Unlikely to be the same, as her children would probably be with her at least 50% of the time and so more integrated.

I’m having a hard time imagining a 90 year old that would be so bothered about this especially as she’s not organizing thd party and is described az lovely