90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

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My grandma is 90 and there will be a massive afternoon party for just two hours in a hotel paid for my mum, aunt and uncle.

All her descendants, their partners plus nieces and nephews without partners and one surviving sibling and two of her surviving cousins, one with husband. The surviving sibling and cousins will have one of their children with them given their advanced age.

Grandma does not want my cousin’s two stepchildren invited , they are teenagers who live almost exclusively with their mother.

Cousin has said her husband doesn’t want her to go with her elder child and their joint child.

Elder child’s dad has stepped in and insists that he will take child himself and sit in bar to wait for him.

My cousin, brother of this cousin is coming home from Japan for this.

My aunt has said she will make sure their joint child will be there as well.

What for you all think about this? Is cousins’ husband unreasonable.

I don't understand why they can't be invited to weddings and on significant photos. This is weird territorial behaviour by a matriarch who is seen as vulnerable but has no issue making her family do her dirty work. She has to choose - all cousins DC or none. No "heartbroken" manipulation makes her view reasonable and the children's parents get to make the decision on what is best for their family.

She presumably has never met them, certainly didn’t know them or regard them as her family. Which is true isn’t it. They’re the children of her granddaughter’s husband from his first marriage.

While a parent will probably have a relationship with the children of their DSIL or DDIL’s first marriage, it’s perfectly understandable that a grandparent doesn’t have such a relationship therefore cousin’s husband is being a dick.

If the stepchildren live almost exclusively with their mother, would they even be available to go to the party? How well does Granny know them? I don’t actually think it’s unreasonable not to invite them, if they’re only very peripheral family members as far as she is concerned.

I'd be surprised if they want to be there.

These aren’t cousin’s children though. They’re the children of a grandchild’s spouse.

Your Grandma's perfectly within her rights not to want those step children there. She wants her actual family in the photos and not random unrelated teens pushed there by their unrelated father.

Their father sounds like a rude boorish person bringing the children to gate crash events where they weren't invited, what sort of person does that?! He is totally unreasonable.

Just the cousin's actual children should be there.

I can't believe people are trying to tell your grandma who she should invite to her own party.

To clarify, the children live with their mother. Mother is not related to granny. Are the children going to be with the stepmother on the day of the party or is the father just making arrangements for them to appear at the party? Because if he has decided they are unilaterally going to be with him for the day, I can see why granny is saying no.
Just for reference I'm a step daughter, I didn't go to every family celebration from my stepmother's side. My half sister didn't go to events organised by my late mother's family. We didn't give 2 hoots.

Again my grandma is cherished and loved because she is a lovely woman.

There are two stepchildren, early/mid teens. They are nice enough. Their parents are my cousin’s husband and his first with whom they live most of the time.

If they are invited cousin’s husband will have his own agenda, getting him precious photos.

Fends

My cousin’s elder child is being protected by his dad who is enabling his son to attend a family party. Why is he a ‘shit stirrer’?

It is a formal sit down meal, paid for by her children. It has to be this way as very elderly people can’t manage a buffet and if they aren’t at a table the guests might surround them and they could be overwhelmed.

Would these teens be inviting step-mum’s granny to their parties/wedding? Unlikely I think. And I suspect their dad wouldn’t be pushing them to invite her either.

If the cousin and husband wete to split up, would he be encouraging/facilitating a continued relationship with their step family?

The stepchildren probably don't want to go to a 90 year old's party anyway.

Grandma is unreasonable.

The aunt who says she’ll “make sure” the joint child is there is also unreasonable, what’s she going to do, kidnap them? It’s literally nothing to do with her. It’s not her child. It’s not her decision.

I'd invite them personally, but their father is a dick.

Also do they actually care about being there anyway?

There will be a professional photographer. Grandma with various groups, she would not want them in the descendant photo or the great-grandchildren one.

None of your business.

Granny can invite whomever she likes, and deny access to those she doesn't want there.

Keep out of it.

Just take more photos.

She may be lovely to you, but she is punishing children, not the annoying person. That is not lovely behaviour.

I'd imagine a teenager at a 90th birthday party will be bored to tears.

I think it’s sad that, given what sounds like a significant number of people invited to this event, the two teenagers are effectively not welcome, particularly as the issue seems to be that their dad will have an agenda.

Your grandma, lovely or not, appears to think that sharing her bloodline is what makes family. But if I understand correctly, the teenagers have a younger sibling who is biologically related to the rest of you.

Invite the teenagers; manage their dad’s behaviour. Get one photo of everyone at the party, then a series of other pictures with say, all the bio relatives, all the dc, etc.

I get that it’s grandma’s party, so it is up to her. But it does tarnish her image somewhat.

She doesn't have to invite unrelated children she barely knows and who's dad sounds to be a bit of a dick. It's her party and she's entitled to have people there that mean something to her.

She's 90, it's her party and it's only for two hours as presumably will find it intense/exhausting. So I think it's pretty understandable she doesn't want two virtual strangers there, she doesn't have to be a generous host at her age! I really don't understand the responses casting her as nasty, it's the Dad of the step kids that don't even live with him that is causing issues here IMO. I doubt the kids care.

Why the focus on the fact they live with their mother most of the time? Do you mean they live with him less than a typical custody arrangement i.e. every other weekend? Because unless it's much less than that I don't think that's much of an argument, to him they will still be as much his children and as much a part of his family as his children with your cousin.

Seems a bit nasty to actively excude 2 kids deliberately. I'm a step grandmother and love them the same as my other GC . I don't make any distinction. Surely the people who are paying and arranging the do should decide who to invite .

Granny should allow them to be invited. To those saying “how well does Granny know them?”, my guess is she doesn’t know her grandchildren’s latest boyfriends/girlfriends that well either.

But equally I expect it’s quite likely that two teenagers would politely decline because why on earth would they want to be at a family party for a 90 year old they barely know?

They will not want to go - problem solved

Just because she has a biological relative in common with them doesn’t make them related to her.

By that logic she should invite all the in-laws of her descendants as she has relatives in common with them.