90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

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My grandma is 90 and there will be a massive afternoon party for just two hours in a hotel paid for my mum, aunt and uncle.

All her descendants, their partners plus nieces and nephews without partners and one surviving sibling and two of her surviving cousins, one with husband. The surviving sibling and cousins will have one of their children with them given their advanced age.

Grandma does not want my cousin’s two stepchildren invited , they are teenagers who live almost exclusively with their mother.

Cousin has said her husband doesn’t want her to go with her elder child and their joint child.

Elder child’s dad has stepped in and insists that he will take child himself and sit in bar to wait for him.

My cousin, brother of this cousin is coming home from Japan for this.

My aunt has said she will make sure their joint child will be there as well.

What for you all think about this? Is cousins’ husband unreasonable.

I mean the nana doesn't give a fuck about those teenagers (the feeling is probably mutual) and as she's 90 she doesn't care what #bekind-ers think. They're almost certainly not in her will either, so no surprises. Does any of this matter, they're not her relatives.

Why should she accept that?

I wouldn’t bank on GGM having more to lose. I bet the cousin and her grasping husband are hoping for something in her will…

God forbid this man have to accept no for an answer, huh?

They aren’t part of her family. She doesn’t even know them. Not sure what she’s losing, considering the eldest son is being taken by his father, and it sounds like the cousin isn’t siding with her husband on this one.

She's 90. I can't understand some of these bitching, nasty comments. Wait and see what you are like at that age. I honestly can't see this being a bundle of fun now everyone in the family is putting their tuppence-worth in. All this should have been resolved quietly grannie, first. Good luck, all of you.

They’re either family or they aren’t. If my stepkids weren’t invited, I wouldn’t be going.

I think everyone could have been a bit more relaxed and avoided a problem.

Grandma could have cared a bit less about who’s in the photos. She hasn’t got long left to look at them anyway… Why are photos more important than a nice occasion, where people enjoy getting together?

Dad is making things worse by dragging his child to these events. They will feel so stupid, embarrassed and rejected. It would be much better just to acknowledge that they’re not invited and support them in developing resilience. Tell them that “biological
links are very important to Grandma. You’ve got two biological grandmas of your own, so that’s nice. It’s a shame you’re not invited but you are the centre of the world for Mum and me. Why don’t we do something fun together ourselves that day - what do you think we should do?” He certainly shouldn’t be trying to stop the others going.

And OP and the rest of her family could stop getting so caught up in the issue and turning it into an us versus them situation.

Agree. I suspect that if they were graciously invited that’s all the acknowledgment the cousin and her husband needed and the teenagers probs would be busy doing something else. But it seems that there has been active bitching for years and hostility of these children from the start which maybe the cousin and her husband are advocating for.

Can anyone tell explain why the cousins oldest child (blood) needs his DF / her ex in the bar on standby during the lunch?

She is not these kids' GrandMa! She is the grandmother of their stepmother; the great-grandmother of their step-siblings.

Unkind to exclude but doesn’t sound much fun for youngsters anyway so if I were the step kids I’d be relieved lol

Acknowledgment of what? That they’re considered family? They aren’t, and they’re not.

It’s very convenient that the finds integrating his children to be of the utmost importance only when it involves an event that someone else is paying for, though.

They’re hostile towards the cousin’s husband trying to force everyone else to bend to his will, as if it’s something he’s entitled to demand.

It doesn’t sound like his wife is on his side either. His stepson certainly isn’t.

She's got her precious photo to lose if they don't all turn up.

He needs to be there for the drama.

Why did you leave out the half sibling and make the step sibling into a plural?

Grandma should be glad people want to go to the party.Just because she's 90 it doesn't mean she can't be mean Personally I have a devious and very unpleasant ,95 year old close relative
who has always been the same

It sounds like they are intending to turn up, hence his tantrum.

I think he said he would take the child if mum and stepdad decides not to, but rather than impose himself at the party he said he would wait in the bar.

But if they all turn up, it won’t be the photo that she wants, will it? So she may as well just have it without them.

These are step great grandchildren who it sounds like this lady doesn’t really know. The recent step children of her grand daughter.

They aren’t biologically related or adopted and I am sure wouldn’t include this lady in their family tree.

why would teens want to go to the 80th afternoon tea of this step mother’s grandmother?

My aunt remarried a few years ago. Her step children aren’t my family. They are her in-laws. I have met them once. They aren’t my cousins. They don’t invite us to their family stuff and we don’t invite them to ours. No bad feeling, they are strangers.

people pile huge pressure on step families and force this false closeness on people. I can understand step parents wanting a relationship - these are the children of their partner. But why force everyone to
pretend people they barely know and aren’t related to are family

step great grandchildren??? Who you barely
know and don’t even live with any of your family?

but a adopted child is your family - biology doesn’t matter.

as someone with adopted people I the family it makes me really cross when people equate step families with adoption. This step mother is not the adopted mother of these teenagers - they have a mother (who might be their adoptive mother for all we know). Their step mother is not their adoptive mother - not the same thing at all. You can be a step parent and never even meet your step child.

are you suggesting people should fee the same way about children who are so far removed? A grandchild’s husbands children who live mainly with their mother and who this elderly woman doesn’t even know? Come on now, that’s getting a bit ridiculous.

do teenagers really care that much about their step mother’s grandmother? This is about a power play - nothing more

If by recent, you mean 6yrs.

Cousin's husband sounds like the problem.

Granny could take multiple photos with different family members. I suggest you do a photo list in advance and call people forward for the photos they are to be in.

I can see where Gran is coming from.

Example of photo list:

1.Granny with all her children (1st and 2nd gen)

1. Granny plus children of the above join the photo (1st, 2nd & 3rd gen)
2. Granny plus (all above plus partners)

4.Granny with everyone Granny with 2nd Etc

Granny should be able to have some pics with her bio grandkids, without steps

I'm sure the bio grandkids would like a pic with just them and gran.

When you’re 90, six years ago is recent.

Assuming your step cousins are adults like you - then of course you are not blending middle aged step ‘children’ that would be nonsense.

However these children have been part of a blended family for a long time (almost half their lives to date) from a young age. There original family had broken down so they had been troubled enough as little children - then they potentially found some stability / comfort with a new step mother and new siblings (one half blood / one step) - yet the nasty OP and her nasty parents, grandmother and aunts/uncles are so hostile and bitter that 6 years later they are still bitching that said 8 year old had a vol-u-vont from an evening buffet and availed themselves from the ‘free bar’ !!!! That tells you all you need to know about the hostile and exclusionary dynamics in this family - especially when the OP tells it and has no awareness of how grim her behaviour still is 6 years later. What a shocking legacy to get to 90 and have spawned such a petty sad bunch of people who fixate on young children.

Doesn’t really take much to be deemed nasty, does it? I recall when that actually required effort.

You’ve harped on about the free bar more than OP has. Presumably she mentioned it to provide an example of their father’s behavior.

They aren’t part of the family. They are the cousin’s stepchildren, that’s it. They are little more than strangers that their father only tries to integrate when it costs someone else money. That their nuclear family broke down is not something OP’s family are obliged to compensate them for. They aren’t, and they won’t.

OP’s attitude is very common and normal one with regards blended families. If their father wanted them to have a blended family that twisted itself into knots in imitation of a nuclear one, then he shouldn’t have married someone that wasn’t offering that. He doesn’t now get to demand his in laws perform like seals for his approval.