Is this cheating, would you forgive this?

[Meg878o]

Husband was dismissed from work a month ago and has now been sacked following a full investigation. Reason being that he said sexually inappropriate words at work, derogatory jokes, he was in a team leader position, saying to his workmates that customers were 'fit' and had nice boobs etc, commenting on their bodies in general, telling female workmates that they're attractive and in good shape. Would appreciate any views on this?

Not cheating but that doesn't mean its forgivable behaviour. Yuck..poor women.

Sleazy disgusting behaviour which isn't of itself cheating but it wouldn't exactly be unusual for a man like this to cheat.

Put him in the bin.

No, it's not cheating but it is totally unacceptable. It would give me such an ick I would absolutely bin him off.

@Meg878o how can he think he’s not done anything wrong when he’s been dismissed from his job. What he’s done is gross misconduct and he got fired. Hardly fits the definition of ‘done nothing wrong’ does it.

Is he stupid as well as a sex pest?

Not cheating. Sexual harassment, with a side order of misogyny.

I could possibly forgive cheating, depending on the context. I could not forgive harassment and a sustained pattern of casual misogyny and objectification.

Sorry, OP.

It’s not cheating but it’s grim 🤢

If you have sons, is this the kind of banter you want modelled to them when they're older and you're not around?

If you have daughters, is this the kind of man you want them to put on the kind of pedestal that many girls place their fathers on?

A split will break their hearts. Hearts heal.

Being around entitled toxic masculinity will shape their characters and expectations of what being a man looks like, and that lasts a lifetime.

Your children deserve parents who model proper values such as personal responsibility, boundaries, respect for other people, respect for the law, and keeping promises (marriage vows, employment contract).

You rugswept his behaviour after a few days. Letting him come back just enables his attitudes and teaches your kids that his predatory behaviour with other women is ok. You've modeled being a doormat to enable a misogynist who got fired from a job of 17 years his behaviour was so unacceptable. That's the model of relationship and marriage they will likely repeat.

A girl he worked with raised it as it made her feel uncomfortable, he was quite tactile with her,

A girl? How old was she? And quite tactile means he had his hand on her. He gets physically grabby.

What are you going to do when your kids are teens and he sexually harasses one of your teen's friends or girlfriends?

Is he addicted to porn? You said you’d found some on his phone a while ago. I’d bet there is even more of it somewhere on his devices. He’s now viewing and treating women as sex objects; he has no respect for the dignity of his female colleagues. How low he has sunk. And how much further will he go to get his kicks. Staying with him will just make you miserable.

Please keep reminding yourself that it’s not you who has messed up here. It’s all down to him.

I know it must be scary, thinking about solo parenting, paying the bills alone etc. But you will have so much respect for yourself and your kids will know you’ve made tough decisions for their benefit.

You can't be stitched up if you've done nothing wrong. He's a disgusting man.

No, he’s not cheating BUT he is being a total knob! His behaviour is nothing short of sexual harassment and he must stop!

It’s grim. I couldn’t forgive that level of sleaziness.

I suspect there is a lot more to it than touching someone’s arm. And the fact all his colleagues didn’t defend him means they all think he’s a disgusting lech

Yes, he's clearly been stitched up. You can't say anything these days without someone taking offence. The poor man. All he did was commit gross misconduct, upset loads of people and lose his long-held job, he's the real victim here.

If his sleazy manhandling of young women wasn't enough to make you walk away from him in disgust, perhaps the fact that he thinks you're stupid enough to swallow this bullshit might be.

Yeah this is gross. It's not cheating but it would give me the ick enough to not want to be with Mr Pervy for a second longer.

This would really bother me - that he still can't see he's done anything wrong and is blaming others for stitching him up.

Without remorse or self awareness, he will not change

I agree with most other posters, it's not cheating but it would be the end of the relationship for me. He's obviously completely dishonest and a misogynistic prick. Of course you're scared OP, it's a huge leap into the unknown. You'll need support. But I don't think you'll regret removing this disloyal predator from your life.

Not cheating but would be very unimpressed..

Actually thinking about it the fact he isn't sorry, doesn't see the issue and seems to think he's been stitched up is just as much of a problem as what he's done.

He doesn't think he has done anything wrong so he won't stop.

No it's not cheating.

But it's behaviour that was so bad that it's threatened your financial security.

It's highlighted that he looks at everyone including young female colleagues in a sexual way

It's highlighted that he has no idea how to behave appropriately

You now know that he comments on womens bodies and touches them to the point where (likely multiple) people felt really uncomfortable

It's showed that he has completely different attitudes and viewpoints to you and is happy to dismiss your feelings. Most people would be mortified their partner was so upset and trying to understand why / make it up to them

Basically he hasn't cheated but he has been a sleazy letch...so it's a question of if you want to stay with a sleazy letch.

Also would he really be comfortable with your daughter working somewhere with someone multiple times older than her constantly touching her and 'complimenting' her bum / tits etc 'for bants'

Your husband has been making sexual comments about customers - which would be reason enough for a company to sack someone. However, your husband was making sexual comments to work colleagues too. A colleague complained, and once others were interviewed, they confirm what the complainant said and much more.

It sounds to me that your husband made comments frequently, and because he's a Team Leader, no one wanted to complain, in case it backfired on them. It took one brave woman to step forward, and suddenly the flood gates opened.

Unless your husband has been living under a rock in a cave, then to say he doesn't understand what he's done wrong, in this day and age, is utterly ridiculous. Have you asked him how he'd feel if a man at your place of work, made similar comments, to you/your daughter (assuming you have one)? Would he see that as 'banter'?? Or would he be outraged that a man felt his comments were OK??

Is his behaviour cheating? No but it's creepy, vile and predatory.

So it wasn’t just comments. “Being quite tactile” means he was touching her up. Grim.

Well of course he would say that. Men like him never think they've done anything wrong.

He isn't sitting around thinking "oh fuck, I've clearly been an absolute prick to loads of people, theyve been going home with knots in their stomach with upset and stress and worry about speaking up and so i feel really ashamed of myself. I'm going to really feel my embarrassment and reflect on how to make amends and change."

No. They sit around minimising and deflecting and getting angry at anyone who challenges their entitlement to "bants" or their job or disrupts their home life, because why should they face any consequence for boys being boys.

All I can say is that if you have kids, one day you'll need to be accountable to them if you've stuck by him.

I'm really sorry he's pulled you into having to out your family on the line and decide whether you condone and accept behaviour from men like him.

I think its fair to say that most of us are familiar with the old days of being groped in clubs and over friendly men at work, putting their arms around us, flirting, emailing. All stuff we didn't want. And we all know how shit it felt and we never felt able to speak up. Its how it was and the problem with youth and being a girl and not wanting to make a fuss.

So I think the person/s reporting this have been so so brave. And I think you should try hard to remember how awful it was to be in that situation. Noone reports it lightly and he isn't even sorry. He's sorry he's facing a consequence.