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Original poster

Is this cheating, would you forgive this?

266 replies

Meg878o · 29/01/2026 19:45

Husband was dismissed from work a month ago and has now been sacked following a full investigation. Reason being that he said sexually inappropriate words at work, derogatory jokes, he was in a team leader position, saying to his workmates that customers were 'fit' and had nice boobs etc, commenting on their bodies in general, telling female workmates that they're attractive and in good shape. Would appreciate any views on this?

OP posts:
ScreamingBeans · 30/01/2026 13:36

Not only is he a predator, he is insistent that he has the right to be a predator.

Thinks he was stitched up. Thinks he had the right to sexually harass his female colleagues.

Why don't you go to counselling to sort out your feelings? You know you are in a terrible position. You live with someone you despise, but your children love him and splitting with him may smash up your economy and the rest of your home.

I don't know what you should do about it, but at least if you face up to how you do feel, you'll feel better about whatever choice you make.

IdaGlossop · 30/01/2026 13:38

What an awful position for you to be in, OP.

When it comes to thinking through what you do next, it's important to remember there's no right or wrong choice.

Could you afford your NDH moving out for a few months, to give you time to think, and to show yourself you and your DC will be fine without him?

ScreamingBeans · 30/01/2026 13:38

And no, I wouldn't forgive him.

Not because it's unforgiveable, nearly all things are forgiveable.

But only if someone is sorry, genuinely sorry for what they've done, not because they've been caught and punished, but because they realise it was wrong and they shouldn't have done it.

He's nowhere near there. He's not in a state where forgiveness is possible or appropriate. Any attempt at forgiveness where someone isn't sorry is IMO just another word for denial.

Thuddle · 30/01/2026 13:38

It's not cheating, but that's because it's (rightly) putting his coworkers off. Might be a sign he would if he got the chance though.

rebeccachoc · 30/01/2026 13:39

I wouldn't class it as cheating but I'd be out of there. If he thinks it is appropriate to behave that badly that it costs him his job and not see an issue then I wouldn't trust him at all in future as cheating isn't a far leap. If just one of the woman replied in kind, I'm sure he wouldn't have said no.

TheGoddessFrigg · 30/01/2026 13:39

Happyjoe · 30/01/2026 12:15

It is not ok to touch people uninvited, it's not ok to sexually harass, make lewd comments, it never has been by and large... to women. Minefield my arse. It's never been acceptable.

Show quote history

Exactly. Does he do this to the young male staff? Touch them on the arm when they're having a conversation? Comment on their arses and how they like it. No. Because he'd probably get a punch in the face.

And this sort of behaviour isn't about 'cheating' or 'poor menz who the world has left behind'- it is designed to be unpleasant and unnerving. It's the worst type of misogynistic power play. He doesn't want the girls to come onto him or be flattered- he wants them upset and disconcerted.
How can you respect a man like that?

LadyDanburysHat · 30/01/2026 13:44

Meg878o · 30/01/2026 09:32

Exactly how I feel, so betrayed. He doesn’t see it like that though. Thinks it’s just ‘lads banter’ and that he’s not done anything wrong as he’s not cheated

This is why you end it. He is not even mortified at what he said. Not sorry at all and thinks it's no big deal despite losing his job. Not one ounce of introspection.

Raineys · 30/01/2026 13:50

I may be in the minority but I actually believe his predatory behave is far worse than cheating.

He is a sexual predator, a pest, making other women feel so uncomfortable in their place of work, they had to complain.

Have you any idea how hard it is for women to do this?

Have you any idea just how uncomfortable she must have felt to make a complaint?

He was with them 17 years and dismissed him?

It must have been shockingly bad that they didn't give him a huge formal kickass warning that would have put the serious frightener's on him.

Or did they and he just ignored it?

He would make my skin absolutely crawl and he would never touch me again.

Regarding the children I would be clear that Daddy has behaved very badly at work, lost his job, and mummy no longer wants to live with him anymore.

Like hell would I take responsibility for the relationship ending because he is a predatory arsehole whose job fired him.

That poor colleague. Bet it isn't a once off too.

Happyjoe · 30/01/2026 13:55

LeastOfMyWorries · 30/01/2026 12:32

@Happyjoe acceptable, no (I didn't say it was). Accepted- yes. That's whats changed- and what I would like to think long-standing colleagues or managers would have raised if someone was slower on the uptake prior to this incident.

It wasn't accepted by women! It was suffered, not accepted. Men accepted it, but they would...

And thanks to the likes of Andrew Tate, online porn being easier for people to access, the attitude towards women is still bad, in fact it seems to be getting worse. Look at the BBC programme on the MET police for example. Look at the idea of Labour to teach boys at school about misogyny. Look at the sheer amount of online abuse against women, threatening rape, death etc. Look at the amount of women being strangled during sex without consent because the porn watched by men and boys thinks this is normal. The massive increase of sexual crime towards women and girls is just.... bloody awful. This doesn't show me things have changed from your days in a bar, does it you?

The only difference is the laws that are occasionally brought in, the last being the legal duty on employers that people are not harassed in the work place. This was only 2023, believe it or not. This is a shift in the law and companies protecting themselves from being sued or criminalised - not a shift in attitude with men.

You saying that you have to make sure you don't touch people - well done, lol,. But make sure you call out any other men you see touching women without consent because men need to change once and for all and it's not happening any time soon.

Delphiniumandlupins · 30/01/2026 13:58

I agree with the PP who said the company wouldn't lightly dismiss someone with 17 years service. I can believe that he doesn't think he's done anything wrong because he's probably behaved like this for years. However, anyone with an ounce of intelligence knows this is not acceptable. Anyone with an ounce of empathy should understand that he is making colleagues feel uncomfortable. He is a stupid, rude, misogynistic, entitled bully. Despite being sacked he's still refusing to accept responsibility. Staying with him will damage your self respect and, eventually, your mental health. He will also have a negative influence on your children.

AdaDex · 30/01/2026 13:58

and what if there were women who weren't offended and didn't complain......that's where the cheating happens.

FrostyPalms · 30/01/2026 13:58

It's irrelevant whether it's cheating. Of course it's not cheating! But I wouldn't be with a man who thought, acted, and spoke like that.

thestudio · 30/01/2026 14:00

In case anyone hasn't mentioned - your DDs and DSs will pick up his unspoken attitude that women are their for the benefit and enjoyment of men if you don't show them that you won't accept misogyny.

I think this is much, much more important than whether or not he 'cheated'.

FWIW my father was like this - he literally couldn't relate to women other than in a sexualised way, and eventually that included me. It was an absolute fuckup.

Imdunfer · 30/01/2026 14:00

I don't think I could live with that. The behaviour is bad enough, but the denial when it passed a barrier for immediate termination for gross misconduct is unforgivable. He should be grovelling at you feet for forgiveness, not taking about "banter".

I'm so sorry that he has blown your world apart.

5128gap · 30/01/2026 14:05

Well it wouldn't really be my place to forgive would it? Only the women he has harassed and made uncomfortable have the right to do that. However, if you mean could I overlook it and carry on as though it hadn't happened, then no. Because this sort of behaviour is a really strong indicator of a man's character. Not only does he see women as sex objects, he hadn't even the respect or decency to keep his thoughts to himself. And that's not someone I'd want in my life. Plus, tbh, I'd be ashamed and embarrassed to be linked to him.

understandyourdilemma · 30/01/2026 14:05

@Meg878o I know two people who had similar incidents. The first person, their HR dept brushed it under the carpet because the man was about to retire. The staff felt hurt and let down that something clearly unacceptable was minimised.

The second person (it was only one incident [if that's to be believed]) realised immediately that they'd overstepped a boundary with their comments. He apologised to the person involved and to others who had overheard. He also went on a course to help understand his own behaviour and what is intolerable in a work place environment. Workplace took it seriously and in the end it was agreed that he would leave of his own volition. Workplace only took this approach because he'd recognised for himself what was wrong and had chosen to do something about it. His dw 'forgave' him because he was genuinely contrite. But she hasn't forgotten the impact it had on their family life having to relocate for a new job.

Your husband has done none of this. How will his behaviour ever change if he doesn't think it was anything more than banter? What will happen if he gets another job - will he be just the same? Does he really think it is OK to objectify women's bodies. Is he so unable to read people's signals / body language that he can't see that he is being inappropriate?

How would you have reacted is the banter had been racial. Because he should be held to the same standards.

Evaka · 30/01/2026 14:08

Worse than cheating in that he's a sex pest towards many people. I'd understand a fling based on mutual attraction and consent over this vile behaviour. He sounds unsafe.

Marble10 · 30/01/2026 14:11

It’s not cheating but it’s absolutely embarrassing he’s lost his job over it. Why the hell is he not more professional?!

twohotwaterbottles · 30/01/2026 14:12

I wouldn't class it as cheating. But. How would you feel if your daughter worked in that workplace? He's a disgraceful example to your kids. It would be a dealbreaker for me. This is who he is

mamajong · 30/01/2026 14:15

Sexual harrassment, every office seems to have 'that' guy, would be game over for me

viques · 30/01/2026 14:26

Not cheating but disgusting behaviour.

And he might not have cheated but only because no one wanted him because he is so sleazy ,I bet if the opportunity arose he would be like a rat up a drainpipe……

I hope you don’t have teenage daughters OP, the thought of a father making such sexually inappropriate remarks reminds me of the behaviour of Andrew MB when his daughters were of an age of the trafficked girl/s he assaulted.

wishingonastar101 · 30/01/2026 14:28

Grim.
My DP's respect for women is one of the things I adore about him.

ChavsAreReal · 30/01/2026 14:35

@Meg878o what do the notes say from the investigation and disciplinary?

They will be detailed. Can you find the paper or digital copy and read it all.

Does he explain who stitched him up? Why?

Knitterofcrap · 30/01/2026 14:37

I wouldn’t say it was cheating but it would be a total deal breaker.

Why would you want to be married to a slimy disgusting lech like him? 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

You can’t drag it out much longer can you? Just end it and move on.

morebutterthantoast · 30/01/2026 14:38

Infidelity is something that can sometimes be worked through, dependent on circumstances.
I just couldn't be with a man like this full stop.