Is this cheating, would you forgive this?

[Meg878o]

Husband was dismissed from work a month ago and has now been sacked following a full investigation. Reason being that he said sexually inappropriate words at work, derogatory jokes, he was in a team leader position, saying to his workmates that customers were 'fit' and had nice boobs etc, commenting on their bodies in general, telling female workmates that they're attractive and in good shape. Would appreciate any views on this?

Not cheating but I would fuck him off immediately yuk deal breaker for me

@Meg878o

If he's been "stitched up" is he putting in a claim for unfair dismissal?

I think you posted when he was first suspended? Because this is very familiar, wasn’t he complementing her on her earrings and touching her hair, then making personal comments about customers?!
Im glad the woman at work called him out on it and her colleagues backed her up, she is very young and it would have taken a lot of guts to stand up and say something.
It’s not cheating, it’s worse in a way…. He has constantly made derogatory/sexualised comments about the women he comes in to contact with, he’s stomping all over personal boundaries and is making potentially more vulnerable people feel really uncomfortable.
Bluntly he is a total sleaze, it’s not banter and I’m not sure I could forgive and forget that he made a 17 year old feel so uncomfortable and thought it was ok to discuss female customers bodies…
Someone who is so inappropriate at work must show similar in their home life/friendship groups. You don’t go to work and suddenly start being a perv…
I guess it just depends on how you feel about his ‘banter’, most people would be mortified if they had overstepped not just shrug it off and say people are overreacting etc

Not to be that person but on a practical level my brother lost his job due to gross misconduct and has now been out of work for a year. Has your husband got a job yet?

Not cheating but definitely not someone I could be married to. I’m sorry.

I wouldn't say it was cheating however it isn't acceptable behaviour and is rather disgusting to be honest. Only you can decide the next steps OP. Maybe sit down and talk to him about it and how it has made you feel then go from there?

Don’t think I could forgive him for being an idiot.

There is no pre-set bar he has to reach before you're allowed to leave him. It doesn't have to officially qualify as cheating before you can decide you want out. It's like you're looking for permission off us, as to whether you're allowed to end things. Of course you're allowed to end it. It doesn't matter if I think he's a dick (I do) or 5 or 20 or 150 or 3000 of us think you should leave. YOU are allowed to say that YOU want to leave. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It's your choice you are free to decide on. He doesn't get to decide. We don't. A counsellor doesn't. YOU are the one, for whatever reason, who is allowed to say you want out. It doesn't matter whether it qualifies as cheating on HIS book, this is about you, and whether you can stand sharing a bed, home, and life with him for the rest of your life.

I know a large portion of your worry is about your children. Do you want your Daughter to hear "Fwoar look at the tits on that" when she's leaves a room at work?. No.... So why do you have to stay in a marriage with the same sort of arsehole that your Daughter would be thoroughly repulsed by if she had to work with one? He can still be a father. He can still have a positive effect on her life, hopefully he can still be a good role model, as a Father if nothing else. He can be the best Father on the planet. But that doesn't for a second mean you have to be his wife.

Leaving won't be easy. But the sooner you get started, the sooner you can start to make your own little life, and your own path away from this, and you can build yourself a strong robust future away from the scummy perv.

Be strong. It won't be easy, but you can do it. Xx

Sounds like he was trying to groom her. If she had been interested he may well have cheated.

How old are your kids? Sorry if you've mentioned already on this or your previous threads, but I haven't picked up their ages. If you think they're old/mature enough to understand what his actions mean, I think you should tell them what he's done and why he's not at work anymore. Their reaction might help you make your decision. If you don't think they're old or mature enough to hear the truth yet, tell them when you think they're ready.

I appreciate you are trying to decide what's best for your children and that makes this decision so difficult. Realistically if you leave him he's just going to get to spend time with them unsupervised where you can't call him out for inappropriate behaviour.

Tell him you have the ick and you're not interested in having a sexual relationship with him anymore. Sex is evidently important to him so hopefully he'll leave you soon enough off his own accord and it's a win win for you - he goes and you're not the bad guy for initiating the split.

I’m cringing reading responses like this. What does being an idiot mean?? “Oh silly man, boys will be boys”. He sexually harassed someone. I’m lease let’s not minimise this!

No. No. No. HE caused this, not you.

Think of a future conversation with your children. In 30 years time would they thank you for staying with their Father for all those years when he was a known sleeze, being so dismissive of your hurt and just an all round knob? Or would they have wished you'd be strong enough to leave, even if that meant them having divorced parents? Come on, you know the answer. Be strong.

I’m sorry but any man who uses the term lads banter belongs in the bin. Your husband is disgusting.

I could forgive him and move past it, as long as he signed the divorce papers.
What an idiot you are living with.

Not cheating, I actually take a different view to most. Does he struggle socially & tries to be abit of a comedic figure? It sounds like he’s trying to be playful and a little flirty. Not something you can get away with especially when wielding any type of power

If I found out dh (been together 20 years) had done that it’d be over bc I simply wouldn’t be able to look at him the same way again. I’d lose all respect and wonder exactly who I’d been with all these years.

Gross.

Spot the man on the thread who engages in this type of “lads banter”.

I’m a woman. I didn’t say lads banter I actually painted him as a desperate character trying to be funny. Which isn’t exactly flattering. I’ve worked in a male dominated environment and the ones with less wit & intelligence acted this way, they often felt inferior to the higher earners and more intellectual men often slagging them off. Whilst the men they slagged off didn’t really pass any comment on them.

Why do you care if it’s cheating? He’s just vile and sleazy, I would guess he would have if he had any takers
but the reason to leave is he has behaved in a way that has left you and your children without his income, his behaviour was serious enough and provable to amount to gross misconduct

that for me is unforgivable, much worse than cheating

“Thank you, if we didn’t have children he’d have been gone within the first second. I’m just so scared about the effect it’ll have on them if we split”

he didn’t care about them when he was committing gross misconduct

it doesn’t matter that he saw it as ‘lads banter’ , we all do the training etc on equality and inclusion at work, the rules are clear. He was too arrogant to follow them

He sounds like a lech

I would need to know exactly what he said

I would be inclined to count this almost as cheating. This is because he's been attempting to flirt (harassing) women, which has been obvious enough, not only to make the woman feel uncomfortable enough to complain, but also for the company to have sacked him. What you need to consider is his intent here. What if she had reciprocated, he most likely would have acted. Faithful and loyal men do not sexually harass women.
Cheating or not though, does it matter? He's humiliated himself and you. He's lost his job and has "sexual harassment" on his file. He's let you down massively. I'm sorry, it's a horrible situation for you.

It doesn’t matter what he said, it is irrelevant if the OP does not think it was inappropriate or cheating
he knew what his employer classed as gross misconduct, and they had enough evidence to sack him

we can all think rules are stupid, or unfair. But they were what he signed up to and by flaunting them he has hugely disadvantaged his family

Ugh. "Lads' banter" excuses went out in the 80s/90s if not earlier. Nobody (except your office-lech-enabling friends, that is) thinks what he's been doing is "bantz". No it's not "cheating" although almost certainly with intent to do so, and no, it's not "social awkwardness". It's sexual harassment and being the office creep.

That it's got to the point of him being sacked (for sexually harassing young women in their workplace after his many years of service - not always easy to do from an HR perspective, I'd say, and based on a lot more than hearsay, 'awkwardness' or differences of opinion, he's almost certainly been warned about it prior to this) - suggests he's been behaving like this at work for a long time and has long been making his female colleagues (as well as the male ones who know how to behave like professionals) uncomfortable. Just yuk.

It must be so horrible to find out though and have the waters muddied by 'friends' making excuses and living in about 1975. You will need to get rid, and yes it IS 100% creepazoid's fault, not yours. Please if you can also look to any more supportive friends you have who can see him for the embarrassing sleazeball he is. Yuck. I wouldn't want him to touch me either. Ever again. Good luck.

Come on, he will have been warned about his behaviour well before it got to the point of sacking. As other posters have said, everyone has the training these days. Most people manage not to sexually harass others at work. Absolutely no excuse.