Is this cheating, would you forgive this?

[Meg878o]

Husband was dismissed from work a month ago and has now been sacked following a full investigation. Reason being that he said sexually inappropriate words at work, derogatory jokes, he was in a team leader position, saying to his workmates that customers were 'fit' and had nice boobs etc, commenting on their bodies in general, telling female workmates that they're attractive and in good shape. Would appreciate any views on this?

I said it before but he will only admit to the bare minimum, he is a sleaze. I wouldn’t forgive easily. If you spoke to a colleague they would probably say that they’ve wanted him gone for ages. Do you know any of his work colleagues?

It‘s not cheating. But it is definitely not better than cheating.

telling female workmates that they're attractive and in good shape.

That sounds like sexual harassment and probably also abuse of authority (seeing as he was a team leader. Unless these work mates were his superiors or at least leaders of their own teams as well).

That‘s extremely nasty and I would hopefully consider it unforgivable!!

He openly and repeatedly sexually harassed women on the job. Making comments about women's breasts and bodies is not banter. He knows that, so he's a liar too. His behaviour was so egregiously bad he got fired for it. He's an asshole.

I'd be gone.

Didn't you make a thread before about this guy?

I thought I had read this before??

Abuse of authority (if that’s what happened in this case) and sexual harassment is just as bad cheating (or even worse, tbh). It’s horrible!!

Hi Op,

Not read all the comments you have received but I’m going to break this down.

Firstly, you’re asking the wrong question in your opening: it’s not cheating in the explicit sense of one night stand/penetrative consensual sex, no. It’s actually worse.

This man has repeatedly conducted himself in a way that can be deemed as sexual harassment in a work environment.

Let that sink in.

He would not have been fired for minor issues. He has worked there a long time. And the employer would have to seriously have evidence to make their decision secure legally.

If your husband is refusing to take responsibility, ask him to see the documents provided that illustrate the evidence his work says they have. If he genuinely does not think he did anything wrong then he has a claim here for unfair dismissal doesn’t he?

I think you know the likelihood of that being the case is very small here.

So what you are left with is this: a man who has committed incredibly serious, potentially even criminal acts, and refuses to be accountable for his own actions.

He has utterly betrayed you and your children in several ways:

1. he has approached women in ways deemed by his employer as sexual harassment. So therefore that IS cheating. The only difference is they didn’t reciprocate! This makes him a predator, not just a cheater.

2. He risked the stability of your marriage for this behaviour. Think about that. He felt justified enough in carrying out that behaviour over and above the consideration he should have been giving to your marriage.

3. He has completely failed to provide financial stability for you and your children by choosing to behave this way. His being fired isn’t a random choice by his employer - it’s a direct consequence of sustained choices made by your husband. He has utterly failed you and his children.

4. This is where your feelings come in. Because he refuses to accept responsibility, because he is framing this as ‘male banter’ (and no it isn’t, otherwise it wouldn’t be an employment issue or gross misconduct), he is placing the blame and responsibility externally from himself and therefore conditioning YOU to doubt your responses and frame this as YOU breaking up the family much in the same way he’s framing it as his employer breaking his employment.

5. He is trying to gaslight you, minimise his responsibility, and refused to even learn from his mistakes. You removing yourself and the children from this situation is the natural logical consequence of HIS behaviour, not something you are actively independent choosing separate from his choices. Read that over.

6. Considering the entirety of the above, the only situation where you could possibly shoulder blame would be if you continued to allow your children to exist within this environment, with a father who not only refuses responsibility for his family but also refuses reality for himself.

Leaving him is the ONLY rational, responsible response to the situation he has created.

Your children deserve parents who model proper values such as personal responsibility, boundaries, respect for other people, respect for the law, and keeping promises (marriage vows, employment contract).

Please start trusting yourself and not this hideous man you are married to.

You are way better than he is currently allowing you to be.

You need to stop asking Mumset (who keep telling you the same thing) and work out how you are going to make decisions. It's very shit and unfair, but you haven't done this. He has left you in this massive dilemma, and in all the pain. that is NOT RIGHT, but it is what it is. You need a very good counsellor that you can talk all this out with and give you the strength to make this decision. As someone who was lied, cheated on and gaslighted for 15 years, and left in the end, he will do it again. Him leaving was the best thing that every happened to me and me and DD are great now. He is cheating on the woman he left me for. Get some help to stop blaming yourself and get in a position to make decisions . My only regret is that i let him decide.

No it's not cheating so I clicked YABU

BUT it makes him sound like a horrible person

It's bizarre that you ask about cheating, as if that's the only acceptable reason to leave a husband. Do you think if he hasn't cheated then he's not really all that bad? That being a misogynistic sleazy predator at work is totally fine? It isn't.

He isn't the person you think he is.
I suspect he's given you the 'vanilla' version of events.
I wouldn't say it's cheating as such. It's definitely not loyalty and respect, and it is more than grounds to end things.

OP, when you are describing what he was sacked for, are you telling us what he has told you is the reason? Or have you heard from his employers their side of the story. Which I am sure will be far worse than any sanitised version you've had from him.

Oh. Well you had everyone's opinions before,if you made your own mind up that it was acceptable, what is it you're expecting from this new post?

@Meg878o, ask to see the full set of paperwork for the investigation and the dismissal. He will have it.
The fact the he's still classing it as banter despite having lost his job over it is the most shocking thing to me. It suggests that he still thinks he's in the right and that he's not taking responsibility for his behaviour.

Insist on seeing that paperwork. If he says he's thrown it away, ask him to request a copy from his ex-employer. You need to see it. Then you can make a decision armed with facts.

Not cheating, but indicative of misogyny and generally being a total dick. I’d dump him for that alone. [Shudders]. What a creep. How have you not picked up on his general vileness - it can hardly have been limited to the workplace, surely?

Also, to add, there are definitely situations where I could see myself forgiving and staying with DH if he cheated.
I would not be able to get past this situation.

Im so sorry to find out your partner has been sexually harassing women in the workplace must be very painful.
It's not cheating(although i imagine he would have if he's been sexually harassing women at work) but that doesn't make it acceptable on any level.
His "banter" explanation is trying to minimise it and not to take responsibility for his actions.
He's repulsive and a danger to women and girls.
He also clearly has no idea how his repulsive behaviour may have affected his female work colleagues or the effect it would have on you.
How could any woman be attracted to a man who sexually harasses women?

I think that's a bit harsh. It's just a thread on a forum so who cares if there's more than one of them? She's obviously struggling to make the decision to leave him and needs a bit of support.

OP, you know really what the right thing to do here is. All the posts are going to tell you you'd be a fool to put up with being treated like this. But it's never easy to end a marriage. Good luck.

Eeewwww definitely bin him !! X

He's a predator. Who knows what his behaviour could escalate to.
Do you really want your kids to see that you choose to remain married to a man who demeams women (indirectly condoning his actions)? Or, even worse, for them to be influenced by his misogyny? Boys will repeat the behaviour and girls will accept it from future partners.
You know what to do.
(And you can safely assume that his sackable offence was not limited to touching a woman on the arm, whatever he may have told you.)

I think you need to appreciate that a) you are not blowing up your children’s lives if you end it - he did that when ehe behaved the way he did’ and b) the impact of allowing them to raised in close proximity to a man like this is worse than living without him, especially if you have daughters (though now I think about it and the rise in toxic masculinity, any boys are at risk also).

I’d go and speak to Citizen’s advice and go through your finances and what a divorce would mean in terms of keeping your home, finances (enquire about UCs and other benefits should you chose to move on without him), childcare, you being able to work etc.

Talking it through, putting it all down on paper with an independent 3rd party, may help you get over the fear of kicking him out/ending it.

He may struggle to get another job now, so you will essentially have to claim UC etc anyway.

He is a sleaze and a creep. I’d be so overwhelmingly ashamed and embarrassed that I’d married someone so disgusting and was associated with him in public.

So he’s been doing for years and finally
someone reported him. What a horrible man.

TACTILE with her 🤢

Sexually harassing young women in the workplace is worse than cheating OP!

Have you printed out to him that it can’t have been that innocuous of he has been fired from his job for this!p?
That after investigation, his company decided it was NOT ‘just lad’s banter’ but wholly inappropriate and unacceptable.

Does he have a reason as to why this ‘banter’ is unexcusable at work but somehow should be seen as ok at home?

I’ve read this story a few times over the last few months. Is it the same poster or are multiple men being sacked for being a creep?
obviously you’re not being unreasonable.
were you even in the meeting or have you seen evidence of why he was sacked? I would be worried he’s given you a very sugar coated version, not the full extent of harassing female colleges to the point he needed to be sacked. Wouldn’t be surprised if he hasn’t already messed around with other women tbh, and if he hasn’t he clearly wants to.