Is this cheating, would you forgive this?

[Meg878o]

Husband was dismissed from work a month ago and has now been sacked following a full investigation. Reason being that he said sexually inappropriate words at work, derogatory jokes, he was in a team leader position, saying to his workmates that customers were 'fit' and had nice boobs etc, commenting on their bodies in general, telling female workmates that they're attractive and in good shape. Would appreciate any views on this?

It's not cheating, just vile. Is this really a surprise to you? I’d be surprised if you’ve never seen behaviour like this from him before.

He's a horrible misogynistic sex pest, I don't think a bit of counselling is going to change him and stop the OP being repulsed by him.

If it was my marriage, I would end it. And, fwiw, it's not your behaviour that's caused this - it's his.

It is not ok to touch people uninvited, it's not ok to sexually harass, make lewd comments, it never has been by and large... to women. Minefield my arse. It's never been acceptable.

Sometimes it can take therapy to see what's wrong.
We use therapy in AA, gambling, all sorts of ways and it can be a learning experience.
I doubt the OP's hubby will do this though because he feels like he's done nothing wrong.

I'd not say it's cheating but it's reprehensible and reflects a poor character. It's disgusting in a work place. What a scummy thing to do. Gross. And what a twat. He's let you down by losing his job anyway but do to it by being disrespectful and stupid and probably making women feel uncomfortable in work is beyond grim.

Why will they never know the details? You’re taking a bullet for him to the point where it will affect the relationship you have with your kids? Tell them EXACTLY why you’ve ended it in an age appropriate way. If they’re teens I wouldn’t sugar coat it at all. Your sons need to know this is gross behaviour and your daughters need to know it’s never acceptable to be treated like this

This. If they are tweens/teens I’d tell them exactly why. Then your son will know this is NOT lads banter but something that society, workplaces and yourself find unacceptable, and your daughter will know it’s not lads banter and not to stand for this in her life. I wouldn’t cover for him.

I’m amazed that anyone living in this century thinks that kind of talk and behaviour is okay in the workplace. He must be pretty dumb, as well as creepy. I wouldn’t call it cheating though, if that matters.

If this is genuinely completely out of character and is a recent change, isn’t it worth him visiting the GP before making any decisions? He could obviously just be a massive lech but I would ask him to check there’s not some other signs of prefrontal cortex damage or something going on.
is he doing anything else out of character?

Do you have daughters, Op? Because if you do that's what he's going to be thinking about their friends as they get older.

I also did bar work in the 90s and can't say I enjoyed men guessing my bra size or trying to feel me up while I was collecting glasses then, either. We all still thought they were pervy pricks.

OP - clearly this isn't a one-off for your husband to have been sacked for it. He's got a history of inappropriate and misogynistic behaviour. It may not technically be 'cheating' but do you want to be with a man who's constantly eyeing up other women and can't hold down a job because of it? He sounds like a massive loser.

Grim. Like others I’m surprised there wasn’t a warning etc first. Have you actually seen the paperwork?

Ugh. And you are married to this sleaze-bag who sexually objectifies and harasses women and clearly has no respect? I’d be embarrassed and horrified. This won’t be the first time he’s done this, just the first time he’s had no choice but to tell you - and well done to his ex employer for dealing with it properly. Get some self respect of your own and ditch this unpleasant loser.

@Meg878o
I think you need to look at this slightly differently.
Can you bring your children up supporting a man who sees nothing wrong with sexually objectifying women.

@Happyjoe acceptable, no (I didn't say it was). Accepted- yes. That's whats changed- and what I would like to think long-standing colleagues or managers would have raised if someone was slower on the uptake prior to this incident.

Men like this always do. Never their fault, can't see the problem. I'm new to this thread but he sounds as though he's reliving The Sweeney in about 1973.

Most likely she could accept some touching from someone who doesn't mentally undress women that he meets at work, and give one and all a running commentary about his views on what he is imagining.

It's easy to be wise after the event, but had you known what he is like, you wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole. That doesn't mean that you have to honour the mistake for the rest of your life.

The clincher is his lack of remorse. He doesn't see why what he was doing is wrong. Stitched up? Ridiculous!

If it genuinely has come completely out of the blue and you say it is out of character for him, there is another possibility. There are medical conditions which cause personality changes, including disinhibition.

You say he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, its just lads’ banter etc. Ask him if he has been bantering that way before now. If he has, why has it only just been picked up? If he has not, why has he started now? Are there any other changes which you have noticed? Might be worth a discussion with the GP.

It’s not cheating, it’s far worse. It’s intimidating and predatory behaviour. I’ve been on the receiving end of workplace SH and it’s awful. It’s about power and he clearly has no respect for women.
It’s irrelevant really but he probably already has cheated or will do in the future.
How old are your DC?
So sorry OP, it must be absolutely awful for you to be in this position, but it’s his doing and his doing alone.

I had this exact thought! Is it the same poster?

You will be ok.
The kids will be ok.

It will be hard but it will all be ok.

How anyone could sleep next to/be intimate/be affectionate with a man who has made other people feel uncomfortable like this is beyond me. Total ick. And I hate that term

Its not out of character. He has been in trouble at work before and been threatened with the loss of his job on previous occasions for similar behaviour. OP has posted several threads about it.

Whilst I totally accept that an acquired brain injury can cause disinhibition in some individuals leading to inappropriate behaviour, given that sexual harassment, misogyny and disrespectful treatment of women by men is so widespread and entrenched it seems much more likely that this man is simply choosing to behave this way.

Oh please. I am far from Miss Perfect, and the only woman less drippy than me was Margaret Thatcher.

The last fucking thing I would do in this situation is waste my time trying to fix this useless article by scolding him and discussing his behaviour in counselling. If he can't get there on his own he won't be dragged there. It's not women's jobs to make men acceptable.

It’s giving bellend. Can see why people don’t want to work with that.

It’s not cheating but I couldn’t live with a dick like that

If he's like this at work to the extent he's been sacked for it, and also doesn't think he's done anything wrong, then he will have done so much worse elsewhere. You are completely naive to think this is confined to his job, of all things. Who only knows what his chats down the pub, or in messages, with his mates are like.

Obviously you won't tell your kids that he's sexually harrassed a woman at work, but they will have been exposed to it in some way - at football practice "bantering" with the other dads, at the pool ogling women, at the shops creeping on women. And god forbid when you're daughter's older what he might say about her friends, or the comments he'll make to your son about women.