Is this cheating, would you forgive this?

[Meg878o]

Husband was dismissed from work a month ago and has now been sacked following a full investigation. Reason being that he said sexually inappropriate words at work, derogatory jokes, he was in a team leader position, saying to his workmates that customers were 'fit' and had nice boobs etc, commenting on their bodies in general, telling female workmates that they're attractive and in good shape. Would appreciate any views on this?

Did you use the word "tactile" hoping no one would notice? He's been touching a young woman as well as saying inappropriate unwanted things.
Get rid of the vile creep. He's being disrespectful to you as well as the women he's been harassing. He doesn't even understand what He's done wrong even though you and his former work have told him.

We have both, no absolutely not but obviously they don’t and never will know the details, I’m going to be the bad guy if I end it, they’re going to blame me

Gross. Divorce this lechbag

The tactile is touching her on the arm when talking to her, apparently it made her uncomfortable

Was going to add, you keep mentioning that you will disrupt the kids etc.

But he's done that, OP. Not you.

Kids will thrive if they see their mam happy.

You've to be ready tho that he is someone who doesn't take responsibility for his actions and he will fling it at you. Also, finally, you only know what he's telling you, which isn't an accurate account. You can be sure he's down played it.

Best indicator of future behaviour is past and current behaviour. By sounds of it, you've emotionally removed yourself from him already.

Thank you. You’re right I have. I’m just putting off doing the inevitable and also terrified of going it alone I can’t lie

We have both, no absolutely not but obviously they don’t and never will know the details, I’m going to be the bad guy if I end it, they’re going to blame me

That is only the case if you let it be.

They may not need to know the intricate details, but taking the blame for him will not benefit your children in any way.

"Mum and Dad very much disagreed over an adult issue so cannot live together anymore. We both love you very much and that will not change"

Then if he starts playing the pity card and badmouthing you then you keep it age appropriate, but keep the line of it being that you are incompatible to live together.

You should also be prepared to explain it in an age appropriate way in case there is a day one of them comes home and says "mum, Maisie and Evan at school said dad doesn't work for xcompany anymore because he's a perv?"

The tactile is touching her on the arm when talking to her, apparently it made her uncomfortable

He hasn't been sacked for touching someone's arm once or twice.

Have you seen the full paperwork for the investigation? You keep saying apparently - have you seen or heard anything other than from him?

The fact that he doesn't think or know what he did was wrong makes it worse imo. He has zero respect for women, he's disgusting. If he doesn't understand how behaving like that towards women is wrong then there is zero hope of him ever changing. Especially given how old he must be.
Unfortunately there is no perfect solution where your kids aren't impacted by his behaviour. He either stays and they grow up influenced by his horrendous attitude towards women or he goes and they deal with your separation.
I know which I'd choose

I wouldn’t think it was cheating, but it would make me wonder what the hell kind of man I’d married. It would seriously give me enough ick to want to end things.

Not sure how to vote because it isn’t cheating, but it is sleazy.

I don’t think it’s cheating, but the fact he even said those things and doesn’t see that it’s entirely inappropriate is weird and creepy so personally I couldn’t find someone like this remotely attractive

I’m not clear if you believe he was wrong there?

I used to work with a bloke who was ‘tactile’. He never said anything particularly inappropriate but was very touchy with the women in the office who were almost all younger than him. Touching your arm, hand lingering too long on your back if he needed to move past you. Hand on shoulder if he came to your desk. I can still remember the shudder I used to feel now and this was a long time ago. Wish I’d stood up to him like that 17 year old has. Good on her!

That’s who you need to raise your children to be.

Bleurgh I wouldn't like it and wouldn't want to be with him.

For christs sake girl, end it. What are you DOING?
what he did was worse than cheating. He’s a disgusting perve and sexually harassed someone. It wasn’t “lads bants” if he was speaking directly to females. And I’m telling you with certainty he was doing his absolute best to cheat on you. But nobody would give the pathetic saddo a second glance. How embarrassing.
Your kids will be fine, I wouldn’t want them living with such a horrible role model anyway.

Not cheating, just repulsive and pathetic. How could you want to sleep with someone so slimy and ridiculous?

I would forgive things I can reconcile with who I believe my husband to be. That could, under some circumstances, forgive cheating.

I could not forgive someone treating women this way, or sexually harassing colleagues. I've worked with men like this, I was directly involved in getting one dismissed. The jokes aren't harmless

It's not cheating but I also wouldn't find it acceptable for my husband to do that and I would end it with him.

So he hasn't learned his lesson and still thinks that this is appropriate behaviour in the workplace and that he has been treated unfairly? He is a sex pest and will probably have received verbal and written warnings before his employer moved to dismissal, unless what he did was so awful that he was immediately dismissed for gross misconduct.

He sounds utterly repulsive and you have said that you can't bear it when he touches you. I'm not surprised. He is an utterly terribly role model for his children and he isn't safe to be around women, so I think that separating would be the best solution all round.

I wouldn't say cheating as such but his attitude towards women is not acceptable. In this day and age he should know not to say stuff like that, and especially in the work place. I started work in the 70s and it was absolutely rife back then, including groping, the whole lot. I never thought to report it, I just thought it was what men did. I probably thought this because as an 11 year old new to high school a male prefect who was on dinner duty picked me up and body slammed me to the ground. When I complained to the headmaster his response was "oh well he probably doesnt know his own strength " 😡

In answer to your first question I'd say cheating no, deal breaker yes. Creepy git.

But for this bit - it wouldn't be you who was disrupting your children's lives, it's him and his behaviour. You and they deserve better.

Your use of 'apparently' sounds as though you think that this woman is making a fuss about nothing.

I bet that every single woman in your husband's workplace was aware of your sleazy and disgusting husband's unwanted sexual behaviour. As he is obviously downplaying what he did, I would imagine that the 'touching' was even worse than what he has told you and that every woman at his work was repulsed by him.

Oh OP. I am sorry you are going through this.

he's a sleazy perv who doesn't see anything wrong with being a sleazy perv. instead he's feeling sorry for himself because he thinks it was just bantz but the snowflakes at work did him wrong.

bet he'd feel differently if he heard someone doing this to his daughter, but tossers like this are usually hypocrites.

if you stay with him you are telling your children that his carrying on is acceptable. on a personal note how would you ever want to share a bed or be intimate with him again?

It’s inappropriate in general
It’s even more inappropriate at work
I wouldn’t say it was cheating but you must know he is like this and comments on other women and for me, that’s not the kind of person I’d want to be with.