Is this cheating, would you forgive this?

[Meg878o]

Husband was dismissed from work a month ago and has now been sacked following a full investigation. Reason being that he said sexually inappropriate words at work, derogatory jokes, he was in a team leader position, saying to his workmates that customers were 'fit' and had nice boobs etc, commenting on their bodies in general, telling female workmates that they're attractive and in good shape. Would appreciate any views on this?

This is exactly what he’s doing, saying it’s just innocent banter. But I can’t get my head around why he’d be sacked for gross misconduct if that’s the case

OP, you can just say to him and everyone else 'I just dont look at you the same way anymore. The fact you felt the need to say stuff like that, when you knew full well that 'banter' at work needs to be approached carefully, and you are more than capable of not doing it, just makes me see a side of you I cant get past. Its killed the attraction to you and it would be wrong of me to pretend to you otherwise.'

This is exactly what he’s doing, saying it’s just innocent banter. But I can’t get my head around why he’d be sacked for gross misconduct if that’s the case

He wouldn't be sacked for innocent banter. Logically you know that - it's hard to get your head round something surprising and out of character so use logic.

How long had he been in his job? It sounded from your previous post that it was quite a while - was it longer than two years?
They've had to go through a process to sack him - why would they do that for innocent banter?

Thank you for your message, he’d been in that job for like 17years. A girl he worked with raised it as it made her feel uncomfortable, he was quite tactile with her, then an investigation was done and all his colleagues interviewed and confirmed that he said disgusting sexual words and commented on other people’s bodies in a sexual way

I thought sounded familiar. It's the same person? Ahh.

Not technically cheating but it’s irrelevant: it’s the behaviour of a misogynist prick. He’s sexually harassed colleagues and lost his job as a result.

You know you can’t get past this.

It's not cheating but it would give me a massive ick that would be hard to recover from.

Having been a young girl in the office and having this from someone higher up, I say your husband is a horrible sleazeball and I am glad he lost his job. Perhaps he will learn to reel it in. Nobody in this day and age of awareness should make someone else feel so uncomfortable and nobody should sexually harass. Yuck.

Yeah, I was thinking the same.

So he is still not accepting responsibility? Still doesn't see his behaviour as inappropriate? That makes it worse. If he felt remorseful you might be able to move on. His behaviours aren't banter- but he still can't see it despite a full investigation and being fired ..so there is no changing him. Yuck.

TBH I’d wonder about his level of intelligence if he really thought this sort of talk was acceptable at work.

This. I would absolutely divorce him over this.

I agree that from what you’ve said it’s not cheating but if someone is willing to behave like that, then who knows what else he’s done.

However, even if he’s never crossed a line in terms of cheating, I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who has that attitude towards women and thinks gross and lecherous ‘banter’ is ok. I don’t like laddy blokes and geezer chat so it would be over for me.

Of course he's going to down play it, OP. "banter with the lads" etc.

Of course he is, because it then devoids him of responsibility. If you down play it also, it reinforces to him that this is ok. That his behaviour towards those women, and towards you, is ok.

In the psychology world, he's betrayed himself first and foremost. You can't force someone to acknowledge wrong doings and for them to change. Only he can do that, himself.

Sorry yes it is me, I’m in absolute turmoil to be honest and have no one to talk to. We spent a week apart over Xmas then I let him back for the sake of our children as I’m not sure I can bring myself to obliterate their world…but I am feeling worse and worse, I can’t bear him touching me etc etc. I don’t know what to do

It may not technically be "cheating" but it absolutely is a betrayal. He has shown a lack of respect for you and for your marriage vows as he has repeatedly failed to take responsibility for addressing not only his disgusting behaviour, but the impact of that behaviour on you and the life you share.

I've read your other threads and this is not the first time he has compromised the financial security and stability of your family by refusing to exercise any self control and rein in his vile, misogynist behaviour. He is not going to change.

People do not get sacked for gross misconduct over a couple of comments and you know this. It has been pointed out to you many times across multiple threads. You need to accept that he is not telling you the full truth about what has transpired at work. He probably never will.

You need to accept that he's not the person you thought he was. Walk away, it'll only get worse.

I know I can’t, I also don’t know if I can devastate my children’s world by splitting. I am in a terrible place

Not cheating but really grim behaviour I wouldn’t personally be able to forgive.

Thank you for your message, he’d been in that job for like 17years. A girl he worked with raised it as it made her feel uncomfortable, he was quite tactile with her, then an investigation was done and all his colleagues interviewed and confirmed that he said disgusting sexual words and commented on other people’s bodies in a sexual way

17 years.

Imagine the bravery it must have taken for her to raise a complaint against such a long standing member of staff.

And how many people would have been of the "oh that's just Dave/Steve/Pete, you know what he's like..."

Women downplay sexual harassment, especially in the workplace. He was so bad that she complained, they took it seriously enough to investigate, and he was so bad that other people backed her complaint to the point that a staff member of 17 years was sacked. He wasn't even given the "look mate, you need to resign now..." favour that a lot of men get. That actually went the full hog.

Nobody sacks anyone they've employed for 17 years lightly.

Do you want your children growing up thinking this behaviour is ok? That, if they are boys, they are entitled to treat women this way or if they are girls that this is what they have to put up with?

I genuinely don’t think he thinks what he did was that bad and was purely banter and jokes. He thinks he got stitched up

You are not the one changing your children's world if you divorce him over this.

He has already changed their world with his actions.

He's lying. No one gets sacked for a few comments. The truth will be much worse.

Thank you, if we didn’t have children he’d have been gone within the first second. I’m just so scared about the effect it’ll have on them if we split

You will devastate your children more staying in a relationship where you’re unhappy and disgusted by your partner. He was creeping all over a 17 year old, he’s not a good guy and will likely do this again.