AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Also to add, he wasn't always this violent, the incidents that happened over Christmas was the worst he's ever been in my home.

Don't really know what to say. Sounds like everyone is at least trying to do the right thing. I too wouldn't have him in my home.

Can’t she come over to yours when he’s at his dad’s? Or have you at hers then? It sounds extremely difficult but your priority is your own child’s safety so you’ve the right thing.

Ultimately this is years of parenting failures. Being autistic isn't a free pass to do whatever you want he still needs parenting and consequences for his actions. I've distanced myself from people due to lack of parenting as its annoying and effects my children

I have no advice, I’m afraid but agree with your actions thus far.

No, unfortunately this is the only time she has to work and she works part time.
I don't know her finances well enough to know if this is something she needs to do or not. I had helped her considerably, financially over the years and so have my parents.

I think it's a mixture of parenting failures and professional failures too. But I agree.

Why isn’t he going to school?

But what professional failures? He is being homeschooled by her, so who else is involved in his upbringing except his parents?

Your niece might benefit from the respite of going to school, and having some peace from her brother’s violence.

Sounds like he doesn't cope very well with all the excitement that comes with Christmas. However, that is no excuse for his behaviour in your house, that is on your sister who has put him in a situation where he was set up to fail. He didn't have the tools do cope with Christmas at your house and that is why all that stuff happened. It makes me feel really sad to hear about it. It must have been awful for him. I hope your sister offered to pay for all the damage?

Your best bet is to ask her what would work best for him in terms of meeting up and doing things together in the future. It might be that you have to scale it back massively for a while. She needs some help by the sounds of it and to out some boundaries in place before he gets bigger.

You mention he has been let down by the system. How long has she home educated for?

Is she getting any help from professionals? Is she apart of any Facebook groups? It sounds like she needs both professional and peer support.

As far as you are concerned you have to keep your boundaries in place! Your home is a sanctuary for your family. Modelling strong boundaries may even help your sister to see she needs to set more boundaries too.

Tbh most of these behaviours are not typical autistic behaviours at all. What happened as a result of these incidents? How did your sister deal with these situations? Why is he home educated, and does he have an EHCP?

A more typical autistic response to being in a strange environment might involve distress, anxiety, withdrawal or meltdowns, but this sounds unboundaried and like he's seeking a reaction.

A very young autistic child might break glass baubles for sensory reasons, but an 11 year old throwing them down the stairs doesn't sound right at all. Does he have ADHD and struggle with impulse suppression? Even so he should be getting a clear message that this was silly, dangerous, and thoughtless behaviour.

ETA a friend's autistic child used peeing on items as a high stakes tactic to try to avoid feared things. Could that be relevant?

What happened after the baubles and the peeing on the pillows? Did you or anyone else tell him off, discipline him?

Why isn't your sister supervising him?

He could have been stopped throwing the baubles - my elder daughter is autistic and I wouldn't leave her alone in someone else's house for a second if she did this sort of thing. It seems like your nephew needs a lot of support but is turning almost feral, with no one able to stop him.

I am thinking of Katie Price and her son, Harvey. She didn't home educate him - she got him into an appropriate school where he had some degree of independence, friends, appropriate tutoring.

The biggest problem seems to be the home schooling. He should be in school pronto.

There is no way I would have that behaviour near my home and children.
It is unfortunate for your sister that she is where she is, but your child shouldn't be exposed to this again.
Your loyalty is to your child first and protecting them, not your sister.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

How is this the system' letting him down gloriously?!

It sounds like your sister isn't intervening and stopping him do destructive things!

A five day stay over Xmas for a child with autism who is struggling was far too much though!

I'd see her when the nephew is at the dad or meet in a park. She needs to supervise her children properly though-this is hard, but having decided not to send him to school, it's all on her.

Ugh no that kid wouldn’t be in my house at all. That’s feral and ultimately dangerous behaviour.

Has he ever been to school?
How come she decided to home-school him?
Surely sending him to school would at least give her some respite/ support?
I've worked with lots of autistic children and the behaviour you've written about is not normal, or acceptable, especially for an 11 year old, even if their autism is quite severe. If he went to school the staff would have found ways to manage his behaviour, and might have been able to share some ideas with your sister.
What does she say about the situation?
Does she acknowledge her inability to control him/ prevent his violence?
What does she think will happen once he's even taller than you, and bigger/stronger than he is right now?!

ETA: you can't blame 'the system' for letting him down when it sounds like he's not actually had any interaction with 'the system', and the fault for his unchecked behaviour rests solely with his parents... (and other relatives/ whatever adults he spends time around) When the first bauble was broken/ thrown, what did you all do? Did nobody stop him?! Bizarre...

Okay so to answer some questions:
why is she home educating? She doesn't believe in the school system. She sees it as a 'one size fits all' scheme and doesn't feel like it will benefit her children.
What other professionals are involved? - I don't know the answer to this. She doesn't have social media so isn't a part of any support groups. She doesn't believe in modern medicine, so she will only go to holistic doctors (she has spent an insane amount of money that she doesn't have doing this by the way). Her children aren't vaccinated. Although her son is diagnosed autistic and the appointments and assessments were initiated by her, so there have been some medical professionals in her life. She claims a certain benefit for her disabled child. Her children have never been in any childcare or education system, she has always home schooled.
Why wasn't she supervising him? He hasn't always been this bad. He is usually quite happy to put his headphones on and watch his iPad. He had done this many times before.

I think my sister has severe mental health issues and it's only really when I'm typing this out that I see the magnitude of it. She does have a therapist and from what she tells me has had therapy for a long time. She did have a very hard childhood herself and I think a lot of why she reacts like this is because of that. I don't want to say too much as it's very outing but we didn't know she existed until she was 16 and she spent her whole childhood in another country. My sister has absolutely no social media so I can share as much as I have, but I can't say too much more due to being outed and potentially people knowing who I am.

typing this out and actually realising what I'm typing I'm starting to wonder if this could potentially come under neglection. She doesn't live locally to us which is why when we did see her, she would stay for a few days. I've offered time and time again to pick up my niece and have her for a long weekend but it has been declined every time.

I'm surprised you let them stay for 5 days. Or come over at all, really.

It's sad for him, but he wouldn't be welcome in my house. Why was his mum not supervising him?

He's not high functioning, he's not even toilet trained.

No she didn't. I think she is genuinely scared of him and is reluctant to do so.

I've been in a similar position (although my autistic niece and my own children were younger). It felt terrible withdrawing support from my sister but...

I'm a mum before I'm an aunt or a sister. I have no right to allow my children to be harmed if I can prevent it. My sister was devastated but understood. She would have made the same choice.

OP, I really feel for you and completely understand your perspective. Ultimately though and I say this very gently, this sounds like very neglectful parenting, especially as it’s leading to dental decay and I would be seriously considering making an (anonymous) referral to social care

Thank you and a couple of others have picked up on my wording and I'm inclined to agree. I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt here but it's absolutely clear that she is the one letting him down and not the system. I hadn't really thought of it like that before but you're right. I can't blame a system if he isn't in one so to speak.