AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

I would say everything you have written here explains why he is verging on being feral. Your DS has a lot to answer for.

It’s neglect of both children at the end of the day. Hard to hear as it’s your sister, but he’ll end up seriously harming one of them.

Didn’t op say they have different fathers?

If she’s scared of him now just imagine give it’s going to be when he’s 14 and twice her size and strength.

It makes me so sad that he’s not experienced school.
I have worked in a couple of SEN schools and they have been wonderful and it also gives the parents that well needed break.

So all the children in a school setting should be exposed to his violence feral behaviour? his ‘rights’ are more important than everyone else’s? If he’s unfit to be around other children he needs to be at home or in a residential setting.

It sounds like your sister has behavioral issues too, not just her son.
Two children with different fathers and no relationship with either.

She sounds like a vulnerable adult and doesn't seem to have the necessary skills to home school any child let alone an autistic one.
She is clearly not coping and needs support.

A lot of vulnerable women have children to avoid having to work, especially if they are unskilled and have very low self-esteem. It's a way of shutting themselves off from a world they are struggling to exist in.

Your nephew needs specialized care before it gets too late.
Otherwise he could become quite violent and unable to control himself when he is fully grown and his mother is likely to take the brunt of that in the future.

The rotten teeth is a big red flag - that shouldn't be happening in a first world country. That sounds like he was given bottles of juice etc on a regular basis to keep him quiet as a toddler. That's serious neglect.

It will be a miracle if he gets a special school place any time soon even if sister accepts support tomorrow, never mind a residential place.

Well yes, obviously. I never said he should be in mainstream.

I have two home education kids who have plenty of friends, partake in many activities and communicate well with both adults and children. There's a difference between home education and isolation and neglect.

And from the absolutely awful behaviour and social skills from schooled kids going to school absolutely does not teach you social conventions

You say she’s home educated him from the start - do you know if she is actually teaching him? Can he read and write, for example?

Before retiring I headed up an autism diagnostic team. You need to encourage your sister to contact a local autism group. They will help him with social skills and her with parenting skills. He doesn’t have to behave like this, he therefore has an element of control.

However, both need to be kept up with.

You can ask her Social work department to carry out a care needs assessment/ this can be done anonymously it’s difficult to get a real perspective on your own situation
you need to put your own well-being first
Nature abhors a vacuum!

So he has a disability and you don't want him in your house because of it? Nice.

I see this has been asked but not answered, what happened after the first bauble was thrown down the stairs? It would've taken some time to strip the tree and throw them all so what did your sister/you do whilst this was ongoing? This will give a clearer picture of how your sister parents and allow answers that point towards neglect/shit parenting/overwhelmed parent in desperate need of help etc

Your sister is a shit parent quite frankly and id personally be reporting her to social services as she clearly has no clue

Maybe your family could try an intervention type situation and say what needs to be said. Including the fact that if she’s not going to help him to function in society you’ll have to let social services know because none of this is fair to him.

It’s a parents job to do their absolute best to raise their child to be someone that can get along safely in life. Preferably someone that people like to be around, but admittedly that’s not always possible. Keeping him at home and letting him rule over her is the path of least resistance imo.

I understand that your nephew has been diagnosed with Autism. I feel from your posts that your sister doesn't really understand her son's diagnosis. Most parents with Autistic child wouldn't have taken him to a family members home for 5 days over Christmas. It would be too much for him to handle.

However, Autism isn't a 'get out of jail' card, there needs to be boundaries, and consequences of poor behaviour. Your nephew destroyed your home, and your sister, not only sat back and let it happen, but she didn't give him any consequences for it either. Autism needs to be parented differently to non-ND children though.

Your nephew isn't in school, so is completely out of the education system, which might have given him some structure and routine. Your sister has no idea if her son would have coped in school or not. Him not attending school is purely down to her beliefs, rather than what's beneficial for her son (and daughter).

To be honest, she sounds rather neglectful. His behaviour is likely in part to his Autism but I strongly suspect the rest is due to poor parenting, lack of understanding, and the fact he's just adrift. There doesn't appear to be much medical intervention or dentistry either, if your sister doesn't believe in any of it.

I don't blame you for not wanting your nephew in your home or around your daughter. Your priority is your own child, and her well-being and safety is paramount.

I agree with others, a call to SS is required, as your sister needs help.

@BetUWanna you are honestly doing the right thing.

the other way to think about it is how she’s setting her children up to fail. What happens when she’s too old and frail to care for him. Or she’s passed away? Is she expecting siblings or family to care for him?

without support, respite and outside intervention he stands no chance of improving and the quality of her other childs childhood will be awful.

Aside from the support your sister desperately needs from the system for her wellbeing and for her children.
How does he behave outside of your house/her house? As maybe you could try and meet her out and about with children to do things if you wanted to support her and continue a relationship with her.

Why weren’t you and her watching him properly ? You should have intervened when he threw the first bauble. Your her sister why aren’t you helping her, do you not tell your nephew to stop the behaviour and redirect him to something else? Find out how he’s feeling? Have you tried building a relationship with him, perhaps he doesn’t feel welcome in your house ? I love how everyone goes straight to parent blaming.

I have an SEN child (not SEN to this degree) and am in some support groups as a result, both face to face and online.

This behaviour is fairly typical of children with some diagnoses. I'm not an expert and I'm not going to say which ones, because I'll probably get it wrong.

There are a LOT of families out there not coping and there is next to no state support, or education available to children with this level of disability which is probably why she home schools.

Your nephew may very well be intelligent, but this is not high functioning.

Yes, I agree this must be awful for your niece and it must be very very difficult for your family to cope with. But the person the most affected is your sister. She is living a hellish life and it sounds as if she does it with very little help.

At the very least, I suggest you join a few online support forums, just to read the prevalence of this level of disability. I think it comes through that you love your sister, but you're partially blaming her for him being this way. No parent would want their child to be like this. I think you need to suspend judgement. But yes, I agree, if you don't want him in your home, fair enough.

Ah so you'd allow your property to be destroyed and your family/kids to be in fear because autism? He clearly knows what he is doing. A disability is never an excuse

They will do nothing and give her no help.

Exactly. There are families in my support groups with children at this level and there is nothing. They fight for years for it and despite multiple diagnoses, involvement of paediatricians etc, there just are only a tiny % of the places available compared to what is needed.

I think the answer is very small doses. Meet up outside, or round yours for 1 day to limit the damage. Your poor sister, that would feel like hell to me.