AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Just to wish you luck OP for your call tomorrow. It’s a very difficult and heart wrenching situation and I feel for you.

I'm worried for the younger child here too. Sounds like their childhood is being dominated by the elder one and they don't even get the respite of going to school/ forming friendships.

At 11 there is still time to turn things around if he gets much older it will be to late and your sister will be more upset when hes older becomes completely unemployable and ends up in prison for being a violent thug/wife beater.

Even if she was open to it, it isn't a case of just deciding to send your child to special school. It is often a long, difficult process where parents have to really fight for their child and it sounds like your sister wouldn't be up for that.

I agree with social services to get them on their radar. If she is genuinely home educating them though then I doubt much will happen to be honest if she will simply just decline any voluntary support.

You know what needs to happen. Well done for posting on here and realising

SS need to step in to protect your sister, your niece and the lad himself

Do not have the lad in your home again until he has been helped

I do really feel for her but she needs to be tougher on him. This is unacceptable behaviour. Imagine if he lashes out at a stranger who has no idea he’s autistic. They could retaliate and hurt him back.

My eldest ds was a very high needs baby and toddler. There was many times I thought he may have SEN as a toddler. His tantrums were horrendous and he would bang his head on the floor during them. He would scream anytime you put him in the buggy or car seat.

He was the toddler at playgroup who was much taller than all other kids his age and would try to lash out at them if they dared come near a toy he was playing with. I was asked more than once if he had SEN.

I was strict with him. Any hitting he would be made to apologise and taken straight home. Immediate consequences and time out. On many occasions he needed a firm no.

He grew out of it by 3 and is now a very well mannered, lovely boy who gets many praises from his teacher for his manners and schoolwork. There is some children I see his age behaving terribly and their parents just ignore it and don’t say anything while they witness it.

On the other hand, my younger son is 2 and has never had a tantrum (well not compared to the meltdowns that I was used to with ds1).

You have every right not to want your child to be subjected to harm from him and I wouldn’t allow him in my house either.

OP, you're a fab sister, it has to be said. I know thinking about contacting social services is scary but I truly hope it will be the first step in getting much needed help for your sis and the children. I wonder if your sister is also very overwhelmed by it all, if frightened by her son. She may actually be pleased for some help, given time, but just didn't know what to do.

In the meantime, I don't think it's unjust for you to protect your children and your home. I hope it all works for them and you too.

Agree with this. Never observed this kind of behaviour in any AuDHD people in my family (3 generations, cousins, my own kids etc, all ‘high functioning’).

I think there is more going on here and DSis needs support, perhaps even an intervention if you think your niece might be at risk.

And No, I wouldn’t have a child who exhibits those behaviours in my home - autistic or otherwise. Like other posters, I think the autism diagnosis is a bit of a red herring.

Agreed, I have a similar experience with my niece. She is never disciplined BECAUSE AUTISM. Consequently I have distanced myself. I feel she has been failed by her parents, not so much "the system".

I'm sorry but your sister has created a monster because of her own prejudices.

If she grew up in another country, she can have little to no evidence of failings in the UK system of education.

It certainly isn't perfect, especially where children with SEN are concerned but a diagnosis of ASD should have opened up routes to support for your nephew and his parents.

Tbh I think the situation is emotionally abusive and neglectful. I would consider involving Social Services in her area, home schooling is known to be used, in some cases as a shield to hide abuse behind, as there is very little monitoring, under the current system.

I can, but he has started to become violent to her when anybody enters his home, so I don't visit anymore.

I also want to add, neglect can turn ANY child feral, let alone an autistic one.

It sounds like the bulk of his struggles are around changes and transitions. New environments, people coming and going etc.

He's also having to go between parents houses.

This kid really needs stability and adherence to routines and schedules, not being ferried hither and thither.

Unfortunately you can't do anything about his teeth. My own DS hates his teeth brushing, it's a sensory nightmare, but some things are non-negotiable and I have had to restrain him in his pushchair or brush his teeth while he is in bed quite often for most of his life. It is harder, and it has a knock on effect for other things like stopping him sleeping due to the upset and stopping him eating due to the sensory mouthful, and our days are longer and more stressful for it but if he is seeing a dentist then that is between your sister and the dentist.

You also can't childproof your house to the standard he needs. He doesn't have safe things to throw for proprioceptive and vestibular feedback, he isn't somewhere he can make a mess while eating, and unless you're willing to make changes to your home to accommodate him, then I think it's best he doesn't come to your house.

She needs to make a social services referral, and get assessed for respite care. It sounds like she also needs behavioural management input, which social services can help with.

I am sorry to say that I think the whole family need professional help. Your niece could possibly develop mental health problems, or behavioural issues of her own . The fact that she is not being allowed to stay with you, is denying her. respite.

Your nephew sounds as if he was completely overwhelmed over Christmas. To me, it may have been a cry for help. The fact that he is not being challenged about his behaviour is very worrying. Not only is his Mum not challenging. him, nor is anyone else . He is being given leave to carry on.

He may also be experiencing puberty, I think.

Mumsnet sounds as if she is in absolute denial.

There are methods to help him control his emotions and behaviour, which he needs before he is much older .There is also medication which may help, following an evaluation.

This family is in crisis in my opinion. Please contact Social Services, or one of the voluntary groups for advice.

Hope you can access some help for them. Xx

What is your nephew's and niece's father like? It sounds like he is substantially in their lives as they're staying with him at least part of the time on a regular basis. Is he completely in agreement (as far as you know) with the children being homeschooled, the 11yo not getting what help may be publicly available, and does he also allow the 11yo to do basically whatever he wants? Does he know how bad things are? I ask this because if your sister is completely unable to act to help her children, their dad is the one person with an equal legal right to do so. His involvement, if positive and constructive, would really drive change in a way that it's going to be difficult if not impossible for you or other relatives like your parents to do. If your niece is safe at his house (and not at her mother's house) it might make sense for her to live with him full time for now.

How do you know it’s parenting failures?
You don’t know what sort of issues this child has at all, but judge nonetheless.

I've never met him. He wasn't in a relationship with my sister when he was conceived. He has him every other weekend but from what I can see and have been told, doesn't have much say in the decisions of my nephew.

I have debated about contacting him for a long time, but there's a huge risk of opening a huge can of worms. I think contacting social services would be the better option. I don't know him from Adam so I don't know how he would react, if at all. But seeing as he only had his child for 48 hours a month, I don't think he gives that much of a shit to be honest. ☹️

both children were as a result of flings, she has not been in a stable relationship with either of her children's fathers. I don't think she's ever had a long term stable relationship. She is too unstable herself.

Your sister now has a child who is a danger to himself, to her and to his little sister. None of them can be happy and things are worsening. She needs to do something different because currently she is failing her children. There isn't enough provision, support or special school places for many ND children but she's not even trying to access what might be available. Please continue to try to help where you can (particularly offering respite for your neice) but your sister needs to make changes.

I'm going to do this in the morning.

As the parent of an autistic son, I learned how to communicate with him, his triggers and I set boundaries.
I don’t want to say your sister is a bad parent OP because she certainly isn’t but I’m confused about why there was a sudden change in behaviour from your nephew.
Was it because he felt he wasn’t getting enough attention if you were playing a board game even though he said he was going on his iPad so he then started smashing things up or was he deliberately doing the behaviour you described as he thought he could get away with it?
Either way, boundaries needed to have been in place by his parents a long time ago. An unsupervised 3 year old might get destructive but an 11 year old child should know better.
He needs to be in school, I wouldn’t want him coming to my house until he can recognise what is and what isn’t acceptable behaviour. I’m sad that your niece isn’t allowed for a sleepover as I think she would love to have time with you and your family.

You don’t have to attend school to receive help from autistic and mental health services OP.

Right I'm just sorting tea out and putting DD to bed, I'll pop back later on or tomorrow morning.

thanks all for your help so far.

Needs a school place and a referral into CSC.

I agree you need to get social services involved. Your sister is clearly not coping. I feel worried for her safety and her daughter's too.

I have a cousin who is like this - his mother is a sensible and capable teacher of many years' standing. I refute the implication by some on here that she did anything wrong as a parent. On the contrary, she advocated for his needs tirelessly). He just has behavourial issues related to his autism which are very very challenging. He is in his 50s now and lives independently but with full time carers.

As for him coming to your house, it seems clear he doesn't want to and for now, it doesn't sound like a repeat visit is a good idea.