AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

agree, surely somine stepped in to stop him throwing and breaking xmas baubles one by one?! why did they all get smashed.

OP if he can't cope with anyone in the house and his behaviour is challenging when he visits people he knows well - do you really think he's ever had a successful visit to the dentist?

I'd be really concerned that your sis is making up this visit to the dentist who said his teeth were fine.

It sounds like she's really struggling with her MH, I can't imagine how hard her life is. I can completely understand why you can't cope with having nephew round and I think she really needs some support from SS. Unfortunately as soon as she says he's autistic and she's doing her best they might not have any interest. There's just not a lot of help out there even if you really, really fight for it.

I think it's an awfully difficult situation for everyone involved.

OP - I don’t want to be horrible about your sister but she’s made her life a ticking time bomb.
Her not believing in modern medicine/Western medicine is about the biggest red flag - she’s unwilling to support and provide what both her children need.
I have a profoundly disabled child so it sickens me to hear people assume parenting is the reason autistic children behave unconventionally- my daughter for instance cannot speak but she’s so happy when she’s out and about she makes very loud happy noises and I hate every single person who looks disgusted by her and love everyone who smiles kindly at her. (In her case her wheelchair probably helps with the latter).

Your nephew probably has no conception of what the harm he causes is and that’s very worrying for him, his sister and your sister.

Specialist school could help immensely and that’s absolutely nothing like one size fits all (it’s exactly the opposite).

your sister must have had a horrendous background to distrust school and medicine so much but she’s doing no-one a single favour by not even trying. She could have Local Authority assistance from a disability social worker and an EHCP. She herself needs help.

I don’t really know what to advise you other than as one pp said get anyone she trusts and you to “stage an intervention” to help her see how they can all be helped.

I’d worry otherwise she will end up being one of those dreadful stories about mothers killing their children and themselves (sorry to be graphic but I know how thoughts like that can pop up when lack of sleep and no future presents themselves).

I am sorry you are dealing with all this.

You say she doesn’t believe in modern medicine - it is very obvious then that she is not taking this child to the dentist and he’s going to end up losing his adult teeth as quickly as they come in.

No, it isn’t an easy situation but your DSis is failing her child. He needs to be parented and that includes getting him appropriate help and appropriate medical (real medical) intervention.

I have personally witnessed people home school their difficult children as a way to avoid any SS involvement. If they never attend school or go to the doctor or have any professional really weigh in on their lives then SS don’t have a reason to be aware of them. I’m not saying this is a motivating factor here, but I would be strongly suspicious of any parent trying to keep their very challenging and failed child off the grid entirely.

@FrightfulNightfull not necessarily a horrendous background (I had one and I work in medicine and fully trust the education system) - there are many out there who've been sucked into the TikTok/influencer void of disinformation that says don't send your kids to school, don't give them Calpol, don't put sun cream on them... how many of them are doing it because of childhood trauma?!

@HateBeingInsideMyHead
i was going off the OP’s own description of her sister’s life

First child at 22, two kids by two dads... yeah that must be it!

It sounds like your sister is having a hard time, but she is not doing your nephew any favours. It is possible the change in behaviours are due to reduced social interaction as people have started to pull away.
It is likely that the behaviours you are seeing are anxiety behaviours from your nephew. He has learnt by acting this way he can stay in the safety of his own home. Even if this is the case, your sister needs to be looking at how she can support him with this. If SS don’t become involved, it might be helpful for your sister to ask for Early Help support to help with the child to parent violence.
On a side note, is it possible your sister feels at fault about your nephews diagnosis and this is why she has moved away from
modern medicine?

I feel sad for you and her writing this, but I think given her clear inability to support him in the way he needs to develop and the risk of violence to your DN (and soon to your DSis) and her failure to engage with any other services eg school and medical, the best thing you can do is a social services referral.

It sounds like she is a very damaged young woman who is not equipped to meet the challenges of parenting a complex ND child without support. It’s no shame for her to admit that - but if she won’t then someone needs to make sure professionals are aware for both those kids’ sakes

Absolutely YANBU.

Sadly, your sister isn’t stable enough herself to meet the needs of either of her children. There are neglect and safeguarding concerns as well educational and social/emotional concerns.

Well done for deciding to make a disclosure. Be prepared to tell everything to SS in order to get the best help possible for them all. Maybe your sister will be able to work with them to make things better or maybe they will intervene more rigorously but they will do what’s right for the children and your sister will receive guidance to parent properly going forward.

Well done for speaking up OP. It’s a terrible position to be in and it takes courage. But you will be doing the right thing.

Have you read all of OP 's posts? Because it doesn't sound like it.

As a parent of a severely autistic (yet intelligent) teen dc, I don’t understand why she would chose to home school. I have spent years fighting for placements for my dd, not only to get her the right support but so I get a break from her. I wouldn’t be able to cope having her at home 24/7. Raising a child with autism is exhausting, lonely and very time consuming. My dd is capable of most the things you listed your nephew doing, I have to watch her constantly, especially in other peoples houses. She went through a stage of pinching random items from peoples houses and once picked the lemons off my dads partners lemon tree 😬 (she wasn’t impressed). Intelligence doesn’t always mean ‘less autistic’. My dd has been described as high functioning by some professionals because she can read and write, she even completed a maths GCSE but this has nothing to do with how severe her autism is and how it effects her.

Its sounds like your nephew did not cope well with Christmas, my dd has never coped well with Christmas, which is why we now stay at home every year (family are welcome to visit us but we don’t visit family), dd is more relaxed at home and Christmas is low key. I would never put my dd through a 5 day stay, and I wouldn’t put other family members through it either.

Your sister obviously thinks she’s doing what’s best for her son but possibly she needs some help and support. Getting a school place for her son would make things a bit easier and give her more access to support. But it isn’t easy trying to find a placement for a child with complex needs and this is possibly why she’s chose to home school?

Your sister needs help and support, maybe explain to her that you don’t feel it’s safe to have her son at your house but maybe agree to meet them somewhere ,my dd is happier when outside somewhere, maybe her ds would be too?

I agree,our son is autistic and he knew there were consequences for his actions,he scared me as he got much bigger and stronger but kept going with it and life is so much easier now.

Doing the right thing can sometimes/often feel like a betrayal of someone you love and want to help. From what you say about your sister and her ethos, this will probably be the case. It may damage your relationship with her, but there are three vulnerable people here, two of them children, and from what you say this cannot be allowed to go on. Imagine the worst that could happen, it doesn't bear thinking about. The excuse of 'Oh, he's alright most of the time' will not be enough to justify letting things get to that stage by well-meaning non interference.

I wish you the best of luck with your call tomorrow but it does have to be done.

I have a high functioning autistic 3 year old. He pees in the bathroom, he doesn't physically lash out at all. He is highly focused on letters/numbers and engeges with them at a much more advanced age than he is at (that is how we realised he was different and got him assessed). He has a meltdown when overwhelmed in unfarmiliar situations about once every 6 months, crying and saying no over and over, physically distancing from a situation. He would NEVER do what you mention above. Your nephew doesn't sound like he has HFA at level 1, maybe level 2 or above. Autism is tricky, and your sister may be very burned out. I wonder if she could get respite care, or assistance for behavioural therapies for her son You are absolutely in your right to not bring them into your home. That just all round sounds very tough.

In defence of your sister it can be very very very hard to get support for autistic children who don’t have learning disabilities but are profoudly impacted by their autism. So I can see why home education might feel a good option but it’s obviously a huge toll on her. The other things - no vaccines etc I can’t really understand myself. I wonder if she is very worried about authority and perhaps has had someone in authority figure abuse her as a child and is trying in her own (very misguided) way to ensure this never happens to her children?
I’m glad she is in counselling. But it sounds like the family could do with support.
Her son sounds like he is in total crisis. I’d suggest neurowild online to get some ideas which might help and your sister might be receptive too. Lots of emotional regulation advice.
I think your DNeice needs respite. Can you try a bit more strongly to explain you think she really really needs a break and your concerned?

Sorry but I think they all need help. The kids need to be in school and your sister needs intervention and badly, it’s actually scary reading what you’ve wrote. Please contact social services otherwise none of them can recover from this and the younger child may take after the brother.

In all honesty, anyone on here without children with SEN need to stop casting judgement.

My child is only slightly affected by their SEN, at mainstream school etc and we have STILL been asked to leave the swimming pool, soft play, had judgements made about behaviour. On and on and on. And my child has every bit of help available that I've been able to arrange. And I plan my whole life around them and getting them / giving them what they need.

The boy in this description is very clearly disabled. Has a diagnosis. There is no provision for children.

On top of this, the poor bloody mother is being SLATED for causing this. This judgemental attitude is like something from 100 years ago. There but for the grace of god go all of us. We don't know when we have a baby that we are possibly going to end up with a child with a life-wrecking disability.

Quite frankly, these judgements are just ignorant. This is a DISABLED child. The mother didn't cause it.

@TheDaysAreGettingLongerAgain on the teeth issue my 4yo has black marks behind the front teeth and she’s always had teeth brushed twice a day, had water never juice - the dentist said it may be from breastfeeding until 3 which I was never told was a risk. Its devastating to think people assume she’s badly neglected if they notice it!

You MUST protect his younger sister, your niece. I had an abusive, autistic older brother and the bullying and abuse have deeply affected me. As a teenager it became sexual abuse. I advise you to call social services as she is not coping.

He's 11 though...and you 'don't know much about autism'? With a world of info at your fingertips? Surely you'd learn and research as much as you can to bond with your nephew?

Bloody glad I did with mine. Not only because we have a great relationship (he's just turned 16 and can only be left with a handful of people even now) - but my eldest DC was diagnosed a few years later. I wouldn't have spotted the signs and sweated my arse off for help if I didn't already know a lot about it.

Vastly different presentations shall we say,but knowledge is literally your best friend here. No point gasping from the sidelines.

So because your child is autistic you let there teeth rot, you don't supervise them in other peoples homes and just let them smash other peoples property without correcting them, you don't vaccinate your children and you don't take them to a dr when they are ill as you don't believe in that. You also homeschool all your children including NT children so they get no break from this hell at all. But sure the mother hasn't done anything wrong its the autism 🙄

The reason parents if SEN children home educate is because mainstream schools aren't ideal for them. The bog standard SEN school won't fit his need's either with his intelligence. I see it in the news all the time.

In the 90's schools for children with moderate learning disabilities were closed. They were forced into mainstream in the name of inclusion. A local 1 to me closed only 30 children in the school. They were split between 3 secondary schools. We got 10 at my school.

These schools could have been repurposed for children like this boy. In smaller classes and tailored education they thrive. He knows that by behaving the way he does he will get a reaction and he's rewarded. The more someone reacts the more they will do it. I know I've been through it with my son. He would watch your face so I just didn't react and ignored it. He got rewarded when he was good.

Children’s services need to be involved for both children’s needs. The home education team at the local authority need to step it up too. You have described things that give me cause for concern of risk of significant harm, particularly with regard to neglect. It is the persistence of it that concerns me - that it is ongoing and escalating. Neglect is much bigger than just physical. The internal world of those children really worries me.

Please support her to reach out for assistance. The trajectory is scary from the outside, and I appreciate for her it may be drip drip and not something she can see clearly because it has become her normal.