AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

I believe a referral to social care, or via the NSPCC website, is essential in this case. From the information we have, it appears the child may have experienced minimal or ineffective parenting. It is difficult to determine whether this is due to the mother following an unsuitable parenting ideology or other factors, as we only have a partial account of the situation because of understandably you wish to protect your family.

My understanding is that autistic children who attend dental services from a young age are often offered protective treatments, such as fluoride coatings, to help prevent decay. Untreated dental decay and associated pain could be contributing significantly to this child’s distress, anxiety, and behaviour.

It would also be helpful to clarify with your sister who diagnosed the child’s autism—was this through the NHS or privately—and who provided the supporting evidence for the DLA application.

I’m happy to be told to mind my own business; I’m just sharing a few thoughts in case they’re helpful.

Agreed , these kids have no life, no friends,no help
.they are denied medical assistance and must be miserable
No excuses for his behaviour but that life would drive any kid insane
I hope they are reported to social services.someone needs to do something

There's also the very obvious fact that Katie Price will have more money than OP's sister.

Meet at outdoor venues with good fencing in future.

Hi OP,
I have a child with autism in special school and I also work in a service for adults with learning disabilities.

I can't imagine the strain of homeschooling a child with special needs and challenging behaviour , although I appreciate that some posters have already stated that they had to do this for their child because they couldn't access a suitable service.

Services are available for not only children with special needs but adults too - day services, overnight breaks, one to one PA care, supported living placements. At this rate your sister will also be caring for your nephew without help as an adult.

As parents are allowed to home educate I think you need an "angle" for Social services to explore.

Difficult as it is to talk about your sister this way I think you need to say
1 - that your nephews teeth are rotten and you believe he is being denied basic dentistry- as well as his oral hygiene being neglected. I think this is an important "way in" for services as if the child is denied medical care they think he needs they can seek a court order. They might also get some insight into the way your sister's mind works.
2 - I think you should state that you believe your sisters poor mental health makes her unsuitable to home school, that the children are at risk of neglect. That is specific and a serious thing to say and will need to be investigated. If you are too wishy washy with what you say it might not be followed up as if you don't express concern for the children they will probably just say that your sister should contact them if she needs support.

This is really sad.
I would suggest family meet ups outdoors like woodland walks with picnic- he can try to destroy trees if he likes and throw leaves about. No one’s house gets trashed.
then invite your sister over or go see her when he’s at his dads.

I’m the mum of an autistic girl and the wife of an autistic man.
I know every autistic person is different.
However- I have never known an autistic child who is toilet trained to suddenly start peeing in strange places - and not in his own home only in others.
Frankly the peeing, the destruction, the happy to go to others houses and damage them but not damage his own, to kick off when other people come into his home but happy to go to their houses - to me it sounds like abusive male behaviour rather than autistic disregulation.
He is alienating her. She is scared of him.
Equally - your sister is very much to blame for a lot of his behaviour.
She is enabling him and isolating him.
The person I feel most for is the poor little girl in this fucked up household.
She is scared of him.
She doesn’t have the refuge of school and friends.
From what you have written, your sister seems to me to have a screw loose ( and that’s being generous) and is an appauling parent.
Im so pleased you are going to phone social services. Theres no one else, no teacher, no childminder etc who can intervene and help your little niece.
I dread to think what her life is like.
Does she go to the dentist?? Does she go to the doctors?
Her immune system must be horrific as im guessing your sister is not a member of some of the many homeschooling groups that help homeschooled children to
have social interactions with peers.
The fact that she will not allow your niece to stay at your house for the weekend with her cousin is a huge red flag.

Do not let social services fob you off.

Two children with autism / adhd / learning disabilities here. Both went to send schools. Both had ehc plans.

We got loads of support from the LA, schools, CAMHS, NHS. The idea there is no help is ludicrous. But the mother won't get help if she continues to refuse to engage with services.

Disability is not an excuse for this boy's behaviour. Social services could consider him a child in need and his sister a child at risk.

They could be given all sorts of help.

OP has explained how the mother won't engage with any services. This is not a case of criticising a struggling parent.

And yes we were the family everyone avoided so I do know quite a bit about challenging behaviour but also about getting appropriate help.

I am a massive advocate for inclusiveness and I don't simply accept tolerance only, and push for acceptance but that isn't what the OP is saying. She isn't saying I don't want him here because he is disabled.

She's said that at home this child is regulated, she had no way of knowing the extent of damage a change in environment will have and his parent isn't doing anything to support her child and is denial about the level of need he has, which the OP is unequipped to support in her own home.

Not wanting him in her home is as much about his safety as it is everybody else's as well as preventing property damage. This little boy wasn't coping. I wouldn't want someone in my home if they weren't coping, for their own benefit. I'd want them to be somewhere they could cope, be comfortable and have the tools and toys and supports they are used to on hand, wouldn't you?

The issue is her sister is in denial about everything and putting this forward to her could cause a rift when it's clear this family are struggling.

This doesn’t sound like high functioning as this behaviour sounds awful for age 11. Peeing onto a pillow is bizarre. What does the mum do when this happened? I have an ASD girl so not a comparison. He definitely sounds overwhelmed to say the least by being around someone else’s house. Very tricky. What does your sister say about it all?

Does she say why she won’t let niece come and stay, she’s only 5. She needs some respite I am so worried for her,
shes so young and it she’s in that environment constantly

Why should his disability trump the safety of my child in her own home?

please try and answer that too. I'd love to know.

We thought he was in the room he was staying with. The room we were in wasn't in view of the stairs and I had a big group of people on the house, we didn't hear.

I don't think anyone not in that position has any clue what it's like. Yet they lecture and judge all the same .❤️

Too right! This child knows right from wrong, clearly as he doesnt behave that way in his own home
He does it because hes overwhelmed and his mother is too scared to stop him so leaves him to it and now hes ferral
Its less to do with a disability and more to do with no structure
I wouldnt allow him in my house either until he behaves better

He's not my child, why should I have to sacrifice my Christmas to effectively babysit him?
I was hosting Christmas for a large group of people. He isn't my responsibility. His own mother doesn't discipline him, and I'm not putting myself in the firing line to be hit or kicked thanks.

do you not think if I saw the first bauble being thrown I would've said something? No one was sitting there spectating. Come on.. use your brain.

Sadly, I know a guy who is an articulate, late diagnosed man, who has a girlfriend and a job who does things like pee on pillows and clothes, into jugs and bottles, and never understood why, but after talking it through with his diagnosing psychiatrist it was a mixture of struggling with transitions, like to the bathroom, and requiring comfort which is why it is predominantly on soft furnishings.

When this was discovered by a family member before his diagnosis and he was told how utterly disgusting that is as a grown man who was successfully toilet trained as a child, he still couldn't consistently go to the bathroom and developed shy bladder syndrome and ended up with urine retention that required catheterisation by the community nurse and then self catherisation at home. This is obviously after years of this spiraling.

As a child he would occasionally do things like pee in random places of the house or in shoes even though he knew how to use a toilet, and I'm surprised it took as long as it did for people to realise he was peeing on piles of washing and in jugs and throwing it out of the window.

I'm committed to always learning more about autism as an autistic parent to an autistic child, but I supported this person in their assessment and even I was a bit unsure at the reasoning, but I do know that using the bathroom in an emotionally unsafe place causes him significant distress compared to illogically catherising, or urinating in strange places that will cause more distress if/when discovered. It's like you know he will feel shame, but that shame isn't a motivator to overcome the struggle with the transition to the bathroom.

I can't say I understand it, and I certainly don't condone it, but it isn't strictly limited to OPs nephew.

But you must have known the level of his disability? I mean, I'm not saying you had to have him stay. But he's 11. This can't be the first encounter with this. He's had it since he was born.

Of course don't have him to stay again. But your sister didn't make him this way. You should also be aware, ASD has a genetic component, meaning that it could have been inherited from your side of the family. Could equally have come from his dad of course.

I get why you're upset about Christmas and your house. But that is your sister's whole life. Forever.

ASD can mean that the individual can't cope with any change in routine. It isn't about behaving badly. It is about being in meltdown.

Can you please read my posts before commenting? I have said in previous posts that he wasn't always this bad. And the Christmas star was the worst he's ever been. I'm aware it's not his fault he has autism but it's also not my 4 year old daughters fault and she had her toys trashed.

my sister isn't doing herself or her children any favours so I do partially blame her.

I wouldn’t have him in my house, it sounds intolerable. His parents are massively failing him by the sounds of it.

I think no one in this situation deserves it. But then, the same thing goes for anyone with a disability.

There is a possibility that things are ramping up with him due to puberty. I have a friend with a daughter a year older with ASD and she is becoming a lot more difficult to handle. I feel for my friend. She isn't able to work. Her whole life is spent caring for 2 children with it. Fortunately, the younger one is higher functioning and less of a handful.

Another thought OP - check the thresholds for your LA children’s services before you make the referral. They should have this on a document onlinethat should take you through the various tiers of support eg: universal, early help, cin, cp. This should help you give the information in the areas they need to ensure intervention/investigation can take place.

I'm not meaning to lecture or judge at all. I'm genuinely looking for advice because I love my sister.

I'm autistic and I wouldn't want a kid trashing my house, regardless of anything, nice try though. 🙄