Friend hasn’t paid me for child care and left me in a difficult position

[nothingorsomething]

I’m a nanny. My last job ended because the youngest child started full time school, and the family could only offer part time hours. A close friend of mine has four children and asked me last year if I’d be interested in working for her. I’m registered, which (for anyone that doesn’t know) means parents can get help with costs (similar to a nursery or childminder). It works out cheaper for her than using a nursery.

I started just before Christmas and was supposed to get paid yesterday, but that didn’t happen. She didn’t realise she had to pay the bill first and then claim the money back (again, similar to a nursery). Obviously, I don’t handle the money part and just assumed she knew what she was doing. My fault. She said she doesn’t have the money to pay me upfront and needs to contact universal credit to sort it all out. I’m left without any money right now, and I have bills coming out next week, so I’m stressing. I asked her to sort it urgently. I suggested maybe borrowing from a family member and then claiming it back from UC, but she said she can’t. I don’t think UC will pay it though.

Things got a bit heated, and she said, “I don’t have the money. I’ll feed my kids before I pay you.” I don’t want her kids to starve obviously, and it upsets me that she thinks that. But she also doesn’t seem to care about the situation she’s put me in. This is only the first month, and this has already happened. I’m not sure I can handle the instability and worry every month. Should I leave this job (after I get paid, hopefully) and maybe pull back from the friendship?

No, you dont pay a nanny in advance. Why should you? Nursery not relevant.

So what are you going to do @nothingorsomething?

Leave ASAP.

You're a bit rude.

Your friend is a CF

UC wot pay her without an invoice/receipt to confirm she’s paid the money out to you (please don’t do this, she may still not pay you and you’ve given her a receipt to say that she has) it typically takes until the next payment ‘run’ potentially another month. I went through the same with my child’s nursery. UC didn’t offer/advise of any emergency payment , although I think that is a ‘thing’ unsure of the requirements/steps/timeframe to access that. I’d give notice maybe. ‘Sorry ‘friend’ I can’t continue to attend to look after your children, no money for petrol/ltravel/lunch etc. you need paid work , honest, factual and non emotive. Good luck

A self-employed nanny can charge however they wish.

She says she'll feed her kids before paying you? She employed you to look after her kids while she worked. Without you she wouldn't have a wage to feed her kids with. You are not a charity. You are not free child care. By saying she'll feed her kids before she pays you she is trying to present you as in the wrong for expecting to be paid. How does she think you will be able to pay rent, utilities, food ext. without your pay arriving in the bank.
She is not looking for a solution whereby you both have a very tight month, as in you being prepared to be paid half now and half when the childcare payment comes in. I would not stayed employed to a person who is prepared to throw my whole financial arrangements under the bus after taking my work and being able to earn herself this month.
I'm afraid my response would be...sorry I cannot work for you next month without being paid for this month. I will need to find something else or sign on for universal credit myself. Let' s see if her attitude changes if she finds she has no childcare herself next month and will therefore find herself, next month with no income. A position she is prepared to leave you in this month.
If she was prepared to scrape half together somehow for now I might stay but definitely not otherwise. Some people take total advantage when they employ a mate. Not just expecting 'mates rates' but in this case not expecting you to need paying at all until it is convenient for her. If you stay under these conditions you will have a tough month and if you go it will also be tough waiting for universal credit to come through for you. But it will come eventually, whereas if you stay you can't tell when something similar might happen again when she has maybe a big unexpected bill arriving.

I'm guessing she will find a way to pay you some of what you are owed if you make it clear you are not working next month if she doesn't. In any event registered child care is like gold and I don't suppose that if you leave it will be too long before someone more considerate employs you.

I wonder what she would think if her own employer treat her pay like this. Some people seem to feel that while their own payment arrangements are sacrosanct it's ok to keep domestic help waiting for theirs.

She won’t get anything from universal credit towards childcare without 1. paying you, and 2. uploading proof/evidence of childcare costs and payment so an invoice from yourself that clearly shows your registration number, the dates childcare was provided, for which child/children the care was for, fees etc.. and then also a copy of her bank statement or a payment receipt.. only then will UC reimburse 85% of the costs, and this would be paid to her in the following month..

She is definitely not a friend.

Surly this should of been dealt with from a financial point of view before this all started. Friend or otherwise.

Honestly find another job. If she is like this at the beginning it will get worse over time with “extras” expected for free.

I would also ask her how she would feel if she couldn’t pay her bills/feed her children because her employer withheld pay without warning because they hadn’t organised themselves. She and her coparent are taking the piss.

When I had my first, a long standing friend was starting childminding and agreed to take DC1. It actually worked well BUT we both had a long discussion in advance about the practicalities, the responsibilities on each side and the contract. We did this because we both valued the friendship and were equally keen not to exploit the other (even inadvertently).

After DC1 it became more practical to have a nanny and again, we sat down and went through the contract and I did my homework on my responsibilities as the employer.

Your friend does not value you enough to give you the basic respect of paying you and treating you like a professional (which also says a lot about how he regards the job).

There is a shortage of nannies, better employers are available. Sign up with an agency now, you don’t want to give her so much time that she becomes a reference gap.

Either way I wouldn’t be helping her again anyway because her attitude stinks. One of who gives a flying fuck about you as long as I’m alright. Stuff that.

Ah, this is why I don't believe in working for friends.

You have multiple problems here, but close friendships are so rare that I don't think you should end it - at least not at this point - especially because the problem was triggered by her ignorance.

I'm thinking that perhaps if you sat down together, maybe meet her for coffee, you can try to thrash it out with her. Like: Not only do we have a long friendship, but you know I love your kids. But, you know, you accidentally put me in an awful situation about the money. So what would you like to do? Is the money now straightened out so there won't be this problem in the future?

If she says that about needing to feed her kids, try: But I hope you don't want to starve me, either.

Presumably she wasn't broke until her partner left her, after she'd had four kids with him.

@YourWiseSheep That's for you as well. She's working, that's why she needs childcare.

I think she's out of order for shafting OP though.

The situation is somewhat understandable in that she was a bit sloppy, but saying she'll feed her kids first is guilt tripping darvo bullshit. Make her pay and then tell her to get fucked. Yanbu

“I don’t have the money. I’ll feed my kids before I pay you.”

How are you to feed YOUR family if she doesn't pay you YOUR wage.
Tell her to pay you and go to the food bank.
Or perhaps to self refer to social services if she is unable to put food on the table.

She is not your friend. Walk away.

I understand sometimes someone doesn’t get all the mechanics of something like this (I haven’t got a clue but I’ve not employed someone) but genuinely how did she think you were getting paid if it wasn’t via her and she hadn’t had a conversation with UC already?

Also presumably she works a month in arrears so is now being paid for the month you looked after her children. It might be cheaper via UC but why can’t she at least give you the difference so you’re not 💯 out of pocket.

Absolutely walk away now. She’s treating you like a babysitter who’s doing her a favour not a paid employee. Don’t work another day until you’re paid what you’re owed x

Wow that comment would be the nail in the coffin for me. She sounds so unappreciative. Mix ups can happen but no need to be like that after you've helped her out.

or tax free childcare… TFC involves a hand out from the state too.

She's not your friend. I'm sure she's not stupid enough to not realise that childcare costs money. She's using you. What she is doing is also illegal if your contract has set hours; she is your employer and should be paying your tax and NI. Lucky her that she can get UC to cover her childcare bills. She needs to contact them asap. You are 100% right not to provide any more childcare for her.
Good luck finding a decent employer.

The 'set hours' comment is simply not true. Employment/ self-employment status is determined by considering a number of factors (badges of trade) not just 'set hours'.

In most cases, nannies are employed but not always. If OP works for other families, sets her own terms and/or this was a temporary assignment, then she may be deemed self-employed. There is significant case law on this subject.

Anyone in this position should always take proper advice from a tax professional. Presumably, OP already has.

As for your 'friend', OP, she has taken you for a ride, and, if I were you, I would not be doing any more childcare for her.

I've always thought it best not to work for or accept work from a friend. The lines are blurred as you have now found out. She didn't take the time to work out how she was going to pay you and now thinks you'll accept this as a friend. Who would do the same to someone they had never met before?