Would my house rules be unreasonable? #1 would be No Male Visitors overnight

[GreenFriedTomato]

I'm female and 55. My flatmate may be moving out this summer so I'm considering getting another flatmate/lodger at some point in the future.
I'm a quiet person and generally easygoing but I would have couple of main rules.

No parties. Very occasional small gatherings would be ok like a birthday dinner but no big house party events.

Most importantly, no male visitors (meaning boyfriends/ ONS). Obviously male relatives or a friend coming by for coffee fine. I'm talking about men/dates staying over

I understand the 'no men staying ' may seem old-fashioned but it's related to me having PTSD and the fact is I would be uncomfortable having random guys staying and coming in and out of the home. It's a small 2 bed flat with a small lounge area.
Many single women have partners/boyfriends so they wouldn't be interested in such an ad anyway, but would it even be realistic or acceptable to stipulate a flat share with this condition?

I would probably enjoy the occasional company of a female flatmate, but she would have a life too and I'm not sure many women would accept to live in a place where they couldn't bring any male friends around. On the other hand, I have female acquaintances who flatshare and never take guys back.

I can't recall ever seen an advert stating 'woman wanted for flat share. No male visitors overnight allowed'. Not in this country anyway. Maybe I should forget the idea entirely.

Any thoughts?

As long as it is explicit in the ad then absolutely fine, anyone not happy with this arrangement just won’t apply.

Nothing is “unreasonable” when it comes to your house and what you consider acceptable.

You obviously realise however that it will take longer to market your room to find that right person for you.

Your house, your rules.

I'm not sure the issue is whether you're unreasonable. Yes, it's unreasonable in today's world, but it's not a whim on your part.

The issue is whether you'd even find anyone, unless it was a 95-year-old woman whose friends have all died.

I suggest you ask your current flatmate what she thinks is a good approach. It sounds to me as if you shouldn't even have a flatmate, unless you need the money. To me, no normal person would put up with a landlord who objects to occasional parties.

My suggestion is that you see a therapist, if you're not already seeing one, about the PTSD, and consider short-term rentals, where a person might not object to your restrictions if they're only staying a week or a month.

Thankyou. That's absolutely fine. I wouldn't be in a hurry to move just anyone in. Houseshares can go horribly wrong if you don't get the right person so I'd definitely take my time.
I've shared with the same person for more than 10 years and now and neither of us have ever brought strangers or dates back so I'm sure there are people out there with the same mindset.

How about a part time lodger, who needs somewhere a few days a week for work, then goes home to their family? They never have overnight guests! If you are somewhere like London it can work v well.

I think there are women under 95 who aren't bringing random men home to stay overnight.
If you meant the parties..that's more to do with neighbours who complain about noise. But yeah I am also bit too old for house parties in this place.
As for the PTSD, well yes that could be triggered bumping into a stranger unexpectedly coming out of the bathroom in the middle of the night.
Bottom line is I just wouldn't want random men in the house, but I've considered short term lets an option. Living near a hospital there seem to be many nurses on short term contracts looking for accomodations. So there's a thought

I hadn't thought of that. Thank you

Your home, your choice, a very reasonable and completely normal and understandable stipulation - so long as you are up front about it.

Yes I would ensure it was in the ad

@MsAmerica I suggest you ask your current flatmate what she thinks is a good approach. It sounds to me as if you shouldn't even have a flatmate, unless you need the money. To me, no normal person would put up with a landlord who objects to occasional parties.

I missed this bit. We've shared for the past 10 years and it's worked very well. But we're very similar. We have friends round but it's more quiet gatherings. I was talking more about wild drunken parties music blasting which no one I know in their 50's does much anymore. I enjoy sharing for the company and of course it helps sharing rent and bills.

I had quite a few lodgers in the past and I had the same rule, I had plenty of interest and only had issues with one girl who was sneaking her boyfriend in when I was working nights.

I was in my mid twenties at the time with similar age lodgers but people of all ages enquired.

I took my time to ask questions before people moved in and picked who I had most in common with, I had two women live with me for years and we all got along and they were some of the best times of my life.
I met my DP at 30 and missed the girly nights when we moved in together.

It’s good you aren’t rushing to find someone suitable, I’m sure you’ll have lots of interest with the shortage of housing and someone will be happy with your rules. Get a ring doorbell though because my bills were going through the roof when my lodger was sneaking her boyfriend in and I hated the fact a man I didn’t know was in my home and felt vulnerable, I couldn’t trust her again and had to ask her to leave.
It’s extremely unlikely you would encounter the same but people will be less likely to try it if they know you’d see on camera.

That was my point. I was asking if the ad itself would see unreasonable. Guess it would see bizarre to many but then they simply won't apply. I definitely need to put it in the ad. If for no other reason it will prevent wasting anyone's time.

It’s not clear whether you’re saying ‘No male relatives / friends’ staying overnight, or just ‘No boyfriends / etc’. Because otherwise your lodger might just lie - and have a ‘brother’ or ‘cousin’ who’s always around …

@HereComesAuntySocial Get a ring doorbell though because my bills were going through the roof when my lodger was sneaking her boyfriend in and I hated the fact a man I didn’t know was in my home and felt vulnerable, I couldn’t trust her again and had to ask her to leave.
It’s extremely unlikely you would encounter the same but people will be less likely to try it if they know you’d see on camera.

I have a ring doorbell and other security cameras in the gardens.
The not wanting strange men in is due to it would make me feel vulnerable. There are other security issues too.
I have also shared when I was younger in places where people couldn't stay overnight. If you had a boy/girlfriend you just went to theirs.
I've also lived in houseshares when the partners were there all the time so I'd moved in with 3 women which became + 3 men. Far from ideal.

Yes indefinitely need to reword it. I mean No men overnight. I wouldn't really want their boyfriends or whatever coming over every day for hours either.
But the odd friend or relative popping round in the day to visit would be fine. It would probably become very obvious if said brother or cousin was a intimate friend 😁

Ideally I'd be looking for post menopausal spinster like myself who no longer has any interest in wild parties, relationships or Tinder 😁

Gay women would be able to have their girlfriends overnight then?

Yes. I wouldn't have a problem with that. But again it would have to be agreed how many nights. If it was every night it ends up with 3 people sharing instead of 2.

Just advertise for a gay housemate

I don't think you're unreasonable if that's what you're comfortable with, and I'm sure you'd find someone who is happy. You need to make sure you're up front about it though.

Personally, I couldn't live with those kind of restrictions (I could live with the non
-parties, but not the no boyfriend). But I would only go back into a house share on pain of death anyway.

Why not just no overnight visitors? Then emphasise the QUIET thing in your ad so people understand the vibe. Yes you should easily find someone.

I’ve seen a few ads that say this - so it’s not too uncommon.

If you’re somewhere like London where there are lots of people in need of rooms you’ll be able to find someone.

Looking for someone who stays only for work during the week is a good idea.

I also had this rule in a place I was staying for a few months while I waited for my other accommodation. I was young 20’s and so was the flatmate (who had made the rule). Once my boyfriend at the time turned up drunk at 3am. He was ringing me, I let him in made sure he was quiet and let him sleep. I woke him up at 7:30am when I was leaving for work and make him leave with me.

My flare mate went nuclear which I did think was a bit much considering the situation wasn’t really my fault and it was the only time I’d broken the rule.

You could perhaps advertise in churches and mosques, I shared a house with five Christian girls and we didn't have men we weretn related to stay overnight.

So long as you aren’t desperate to find someone I think that’s fine. It will severely restrict who is interested, but so long as you make rules clear up front then it’s up to you.

For what it’s worth I am mid 40s and have had lodgers for a few years now. The first couple of them I went with women my own age and they were a pain in the ass. Current one is a man in his mid 20s, he’s been here a year and is an absolute dream! And his girlfriend lives in another country.

I had this exact conversation with my soon to be new lodger when I met her to exchange contracts last night. I have never put it in the advert (spare room) but have always met them, gone on gut instinct and said it twice in meetings. I have had 5 lodgers now and it’s never been an issue. I have 2 teens (one DD) in the house but even if that wasn’t the case I would still have the same rules.

One did subsequently get a BF after about 12 months and asked me. We were v familiar with each other by that point and things were going really well so I agreed when she asked me if it was ok for him to stay over every now and then. I agreed as I felt much more comfortable by then but I stipulated no more than twice a month. She respected that and they were both very respectful - he was a lovely guy but I still didn’t want anyone here any more than that.

She’s moving out this weekend for work purposes but I do think she has stayed longer as there was a little bit of flexibility (Albeit not much on my part)

It’s totally up to you and whatever you feel comfortable with.

As a final point, I think Monday to Friday lodgers are now less common with hybrid working. My friend was looking for similar recently and struggled so ended up with a full time person. With the right person who has their own life they hopefully won’t be taking root in your kitchen all weekend anyway!