Would my house rules be unreasonable? #1 would be No Male Visitors overnight

[GreenFriedTomato]

I'm female and 55. My flatmate may be moving out this summer so I'm considering getting another flatmate/lodger at some point in the future.
I'm a quiet person and generally easygoing but I would have couple of main rules.

No parties. Very occasional small gatherings would be ok like a birthday dinner but no big house party events.

Most importantly, no male visitors (meaning boyfriends/ ONS). Obviously male relatives or a friend coming by for coffee fine. I'm talking about men/dates staying over

I understand the 'no men staying ' may seem old-fashioned but it's related to me having PTSD and the fact is I would be uncomfortable having random guys staying and coming in and out of the home. It's a small 2 bed flat with a small lounge area.
Many single women have partners/boyfriends so they wouldn't be interested in such an ad anyway, but would it even be realistic or acceptable to stipulate a flat share with this condition?

I would probably enjoy the occasional company of a female flatmate, but she would have a life too and I'm not sure many women would accept to live in a place where they couldn't bring any male friends around. On the other hand, I have female acquaintances who flatshare and never take guys back.

I can't recall ever seen an advert stating 'woman wanted for flat share. No male visitors overnight allowed'. Not in this country anyway. Maybe I should forget the idea entirely.

Any thoughts?

I'm not pedantic, I'm trying to understand how to read your comment as written.
OP has had a flatmate for a decade so clearly it's not a given that she's unsuited to having a flatmate.

You then clarified that the fact you wrote "I don't think you sound like a good candidate to have a flatmate" meant that you agreed that although you disliked the rules, other people would find them suitable.

I'm not bothering any more as you can't seem to make up your mind!

Isn’t that for shared flats though, rather than lodgers? The latter are covered by different rules

This is nonsense. It sounds very much like you've never been or dealt with or even talked to someone who's been a lodger.
I've had lodgers for years, and those who've got to the point of coming round to see the place and meet me and DP have always been very proactive about discussing things like arrangements for visitors, boy- and girlfriends, how much they use the shared space and what the expectation is around socialising etc.

And the upcoming changes in the law apply only to tenants, not lodgers.

I think its very sensible. My friend let a room to a woman and before she knew it she was practically house sharing with a couple because the guy spent more time at her place than his own. Completely altered the way she could live within her home as there was this man there, in the kitchen, using the bathroom, and she ended up feeling like a third wheel in her own house. It was really difficult to row back from given she'd allowed the initial overnights.

Wow. What a response.

Depends on if the OP is a Tennant of the flat or the homeowner

if she is a Tennant your correct
if she is the homeowner your wrong

Thank you to all who have replied with helpful comments. Lots of helpful advice here. It's not something I've really looked into before but it would be a lodger not a flatmate. I'd forgotten the distinction between the two.
(And yes, I would apply the same rules to myself re male guests as anyone lodging).
Anyway thanks again for the tips

You can set whatever rules you want for a lodger. Specifying no male visitors overnight will, obviously, exclude a lot of potential applicants and you'll have fewer to choose from when you let the room out. But presumably you're OK with that.

my friend has lodgers she lives near a major hospital and has long term locums 1-3 months she has a strict no overnight guests rule, and all guests to leave by 10pm and no guests before 9am; quiet rules as often working shifts,
no leaving washing in machine while at work, has 2 rooms let almost permanently
she has a large house so loads of space so some spaces not available to lodgers
she does have a separate lounge for them with kettle toaster and microwave but use of main kitchen is available too
while she keeps quiet the overnight guests rule doesn't apply to herself if her parents stay for a weekend it's fine ( to be honest if lodger asks for a visitor she has other rooms and f she likes them will say yes to a spouse or sibling etc)
a lodger is often paying much less than a flat share, you can evict with 14-28 days notice if not working out
you need clear guidelines about shared spaces do you expect them to be mainly in their room, can they work from home, can they park on driveway or should they park on street, expectations that dishes are washed immediately after eating, what is reasonable use of washing machine can they adjust heating etc, use of garden, smoking etc, are they just expected to clean their own room and leave kitchen and bathroom as found and ready for next person, some people are only looking for vegetarians or only want halal food cooked in kitchen

the more specific you are may mean it taks longer to find someone but more likely you are compatible
you can easily download template contracts

Your house, your rules .. brave fir allowing strangers to stay ... I couldn't

As most have said, your house your rules . Just be really clear in the ad. I am 60 and married but l have several single / divorced friends who have NO interest in dating so lm sure you will find a suitable flatmate. Good luck !

I think this is perfectly reasonable, and there will be like minded women who would be happy to lodge in a house where they can be confident of not having to deal with the landlord's male partner. Some may be put off, others will see it as a positive. It's your home and you have the right to determine who can share it with you, and not to feel outnumbered by a couple. Anyway, you presumably wouldn't have a 'no overnight absences' rule, so your lodger won't be forced into compulsory celibacy. You'll get fewer applicants but probably more suitable ones.

My parents have a part time lodger like this. He works as a contractor in the area but "home" is miles away and it works well for all parties. Stays Monday night to Thursday night and goes home weekends

Do.you own the flat OP?

If I was closer to semi retirement, I'd snap this up! Have fantasies of setting up a female only retirement home / commune a lot.

YANBU!

As I said, I hope you are seeing, or would start seeing, a therapist about the PTSD. You don't want to live your life in fear forever. (By the way, it never occurred to me before, but I wonder if women in situations like yours would benefit from a good self-defense class. I took one once, and for a while it felt like I could deck any man in town, if need be.)

You could run an ad emphasizing the word "quiet": Quiet woman, 55, seeking a roommate in a quiet building on a quiet residential street.

Your idea of a traveling nurse is FABULOUS. You would greatly increase the odds of finding a tidy person, and I suppose that if she travels she probably won't have local friends for big parties. Call the hospital and ask if they have an office co-ordinating traveling nurses.

That’s not true. A lodger (a person who lives alongside a resident property owner and occupies the resident’s home under license) is not and does not have the same legal rights as a tenant. It’s perfectly possible for the license agreement to terminate on breach of any condition the resident owner chooses to include.

However well versed in self defence and however strong an average woman is, she’s no match for an average man intent on doing her harm.

Fear of - or more often unease with - strange men in one’s personal ‘safe space’ is an entirely logical reaction based on statistics and lived experience - not requiring ‘therapy’!!

I didn't say anything about logical/illogical. But I took what supposedly the best self-defense course at the time, and they had a great track record against attackers.

Anyone who finds this unreasonable won't apply. Just make it clear in any adverts and listings that this is a house rule.

I think it would be far easy to say no overnight guests than stating male, you open up a can worms including discrimination where as no overnight guests is clear as an expectation

I know plenty of single women in their 60s who are completely not interested in men or relationships any more so I don’t think your rule is unreasonable or unrealistic

I think some people would find it a selling point.

I rented a room for a bit in a house where anything went. The landlady & the 3 lodgers all had sundry blokes overnight, parties, impromptu 'all back to mine's from the pub. It was great fun! But you never knew if you'd be able to get in the bathroom/use the washing machine/sleep uninterrupted without the sounds of the woman in the room next door, ahem, enjoying her social life.

In my 20s I was fine with it...in fact I had an absolute ball. Then landlady is still a mate & we occasionally reminisce, now we are 30 years older & terribly respectable.

If I needed a room now, I'd much prefer OP's set up. Agree weeknights would be the perfect option, as you'd have your house to yourself for a break at the weekend, & they wouldn't have all their stuff & their entire life in your spare room, so you wouldn't feel nearly so guilty asking them to leave if they turned out to be not a great fit.

I’m getting lodgers and I will not be allowing anyone at any time in the house apart from the lodger. They’re only Monday-Friday lodgers.

providing you’re explicit up front you can do what you like. It is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than a house share.

YANBU

However, back when I was looking for a flat I would always see one woman advertising for a lodger. She was asking for similar things to you, but the advert made her sound like a nightmare.

She was a teacher and the ad came with a long, long list of rules - including being in bed by 10pm, no coming and going after 9pm, no men at all, etc.

On the surface she had every right to ask for what she wanted but the way she was selling herself on the site painted her in a really poor light.

So I would be brief and meet in person before agreeing to anything.