Would my house rules be unreasonable? #1 would be No Male Visitors overnight

[GreenFriedTomato]

I'm female and 55. My flatmate may be moving out this summer so I'm considering getting another flatmate/lodger at some point in the future.
I'm a quiet person and generally easygoing but I would have couple of main rules.

No parties. Very occasional small gatherings would be ok like a birthday dinner but no big house party events.

Most importantly, no male visitors (meaning boyfriends/ ONS). Obviously male relatives or a friend coming by for coffee fine. I'm talking about men/dates staying over

I understand the 'no men staying ' may seem old-fashioned but it's related to me having PTSD and the fact is I would be uncomfortable having random guys staying and coming in and out of the home. It's a small 2 bed flat with a small lounge area.
Many single women have partners/boyfriends so they wouldn't be interested in such an ad anyway, but would it even be realistic or acceptable to stipulate a flat share with this condition?

I would probably enjoy the occasional company of a female flatmate, but she would have a life too and I'm not sure many women would accept to live in a place where they couldn't bring any male friends around. On the other hand, I have female acquaintances who flatshare and never take guys back.

I can't recall ever seen an advert stating 'woman wanted for flat share. No male visitors overnight allowed'. Not in this country anyway. Maybe I should forget the idea entirely.

Any thoughts?

No one would be forced to live there. Anyone who finds the OP's terms dictatorial is free to find a living arrangement more acceptable to them.

If I was looking for a flat share I would want this, as long as your weren't bringing men home either. So I think be clear on this.

i think a lot of women won’t be put off by this and I’m in my 40s. Because it goes both ways, they’ll know by this stipulation that you won’t be bringing strange men into the home either. If they want to have sleepovers they can go to the man’s house.

I don’t think you sound like a good candidate to have a flatmate.

Your “rules” sound restrictive and controlling. If someone is paying to live somewhere, I’d want them to be able to feel at home and treat it as such.

My husband's friend converted his house so that he had 4 bedrooms, each with an en suite, that he rents on on short term , commercial lets to scientists/ engineers working around Oxford . No visitors allowed at all. No cooking facilities ( they have superb canteens in their places of work) . They basically sleep there and it's rare that anyone is there over the weekend. The rules are clearly set out and absolutely respected.

I think you are totally reasonable, myself. If people want to have parties and bring home BF/ONS, they need to buy a place or rent bedsits (where there will still likely be rules over parties anyway).

Have lived in my road for 20 years - apart from a handful (ie about 4-5) 18th/21st birthday parties, NO ONE has regular parties. I don’t understand why anyone would feel that was normal to expect to be able to do so.

Friends with student aged kids say their kids go to pubs, gigs, organised parties at venues - but they are definitely not traipsing random pick ups in to their shared flats and having drunken gatherings at home. People who do that tend to get short-thrift and asked to leave pretty promptly.

"Controlling and restrictive" to YOU which doesn't mean the OP is not a good candidate to have a flatmate.

The terms would be completely acceptable to me and quite a few others on this thread.

People keep asking about female guests - OP has addressed this if you read her posts.

I'm in my early 40s and I'd be fine with this. I'd be your flatmate lol.

I don’t think you sound like a good candidate to have a flatmate.

Seeing as she's had one for a decade that doesn't sound true to me.

DH is looking for a 2 sometimes 3 night a week place in the White City area.
I would be very agreeable to him not being allowed over night guests or throwing parties.
He would like a shelf to keep tea, a mug and a box of cereal.
He has a good standard of DIY in plumbing, electrics and carpentry but will be off doing his best academic stuff during the day time.

The last place was dreadful. The remote landlord had a complicated arrangement which only became clear once signed up. Basically three different part timers using the bed on different nights. And it was expensive and not remotely a hotel standard.

Don't be silly. In a lodger situation it's perfectly normal to have rules like no overnight guests. And most mature people wouldn't expect to be able to have loud parties, or even want them.
All the lodgers I've had, and everyone I've met with a view to renting my spare room, have proactively brought up rules about noise/guests etc, and have been very respectful of the fact that it's my home. Yes, they pay to live there, but not as much as they'd pay renting in a houseshare or living alone. Anyone sensible realises that conditions will come along with the cheaper rent.

Exactly that. Many might not apply but the ad might stand out to someone who wants that lifestyle.

OP I live beside a hospital and occasionally had student nurses/midwives stay short term either 4, 6 or 12 weeks when they're on placement and only stay a few nights per week.

There's also a shortage of accommodation for doctors on rotation who may need accommodation for 3, 6 or 12 months so someone like that might be a good option for you too.

Yes, I didn’t know about it and I think she realised from my face when she had been in my bedroom to put new flowers, etc. I wasn’t mad, I was just surprised because I didn’t know it was allowed.

Like I said I only went along with it because it was much cheaper than other places on spareroom (should have been my first clue), but unless you’re looking to save as much as possible, it’s an uncomfortable arrangement. Any friends and family could only come visit me for a day trip as no one could stay, it was a bit of a faff.

Absolutely.

Hence why my response started with the key word “I.”

🙂

Is this your own flat and a lodger coming in or a 50/50 flatshare?

Either way, I think it's completely reasonable to be specific about not wanting men to stay over if it's what makes you feel safe and comfortable in your home.

My mate has had lodgers who only stay in her flat during the week because she lives in a city and they're people who need to be there for a job or training but have a home elsewhere. This meant she could have visitors on weekends (e.g. me, I'd stay in her room not the lodger's!) or bring dates back. Takes a bit longer to find someone right but it's worth it to fit her needs. She priced it so it was cheaper than a full time let so it was an attractive option and the people she had were great, they were out working or training in the day and had low key evenings of coursework, gym or telly and food. It can work.

Is it the man thing that you don't want? If your new flatmate was lesbian, would you be happy with her bringing women or a girlfriend over to sleep?

There is no harm in trying for what you want- some people would be fine with it. I didn't have this condition when I advertised for a lodger but she stayed with me for three years in her late twenties and never once brought a guy home overnight- and this was her choice. Some people are asexual, some women date women, she just didn't seem interested in dating. When I advertised for a lodger I thought house sharing with someone with a baby would be a deal breaker but I had interest- possibly because I was willing to accept lodgers with pets which I understand can be tricky to find.

So did you mean to say "I don't think you sound like a good candidate for me to have as a flatmate", rather than OP being incompatible with any flatmate?

I couldn't think of anything worse at 55 than having a flatmate.

No, I meant exactly what I said.

I think people like OP, who have all these rules and stipulations in a place that is supposed to be someone else’s home, usually end up being a nightmare to deal with. OP stated she might enjoy the company of a female flatmate from time to time, however they must have their own lives - insinuating that she wouldn’t appreciate them being home all the time.

Are you always so pedantic? Perhaps you would be the ideal flatmate for OP.

Irrelevant to the OP's question.
Also, people are different. The OP says she likes the company. Friends of mine with lodgers say the same thing. DP and I like it too.

My and DP's relationship with our lodger is along the lines of enjoying her company from time to time; but she has her own life and is fairly often out early and back late, and in her room working/on the phone etc.
We wouldn't ever order her to stay out of the kitchen/living room, don't impose rules like set times for cooking or showering (in fact she asked whether we wanted to set the latter time, but we aren't that bothered), and are not 'a nightmare to deal with'

Is it the man thing that you don't want? If your new flatmate was lesbian, would you be happy with her bringing women or a girlfriend over to sleep?
The OP has addressed that, more than once.

I’m afraid OP this won’t stand up in practice. You’re their flatmate not their mum, it’s a business transaction.

meaning even if they agree to it, if they break the “rule” you’ve got basically no power or way of enforcing it. Bar evicting them - but upcoming changes in the law mean that you will need a better reason than that.