Would my house rules be unreasonable? #1 would be No Male Visitors overnight

[GreenFriedTomato]

I'm female and 55. My flatmate may be moving out this summer so I'm considering getting another flatmate/lodger at some point in the future.
I'm a quiet person and generally easygoing but I would have couple of main rules.

No parties. Very occasional small gatherings would be ok like a birthday dinner but no big house party events.

Most importantly, no male visitors (meaning boyfriends/ ONS). Obviously male relatives or a friend coming by for coffee fine. I'm talking about men/dates staying over

I understand the 'no men staying ' may seem old-fashioned but it's related to me having PTSD and the fact is I would be uncomfortable having random guys staying and coming in and out of the home. It's a small 2 bed flat with a small lounge area.
Many single women have partners/boyfriends so they wouldn't be interested in such an ad anyway, but would it even be realistic or acceptable to stipulate a flat share with this condition?

I would probably enjoy the occasional company of a female flatmate, but she would have a life too and I'm not sure many women would accept to live in a place where they couldn't bring any male friends around. On the other hand, I have female acquaintances who flatshare and never take guys back.

I can't recall ever seen an advert stating 'woman wanted for flat share. No male visitors overnight allowed'. Not in this country anyway. Maybe I should forget the idea entirely.

Any thoughts?

This.

If two people are on a rental contract, one person doesn't get to make the rules. If it's rented, the only way OP can get what she wants is a place she rents alone and doesn't share.

If OP owns her property and is looking for a lodger, she can stipulate whatever rules she likes. Sure, it will cut down the number of people interested, but I think OP would happily wait longer for the right lodger to come along.

Yes, I agree- I hadn't thought of this but its true.

If the house doesn't belong to the OP then its a bit cheeky in my opinion to be trying to set all the rules and expecting equally shared rent

Do you own the house / flat ? If you do then you could impose any rules you like . If not then it wouldn't be up to you how your flat mate / house share person behaves if they're paying to rent .

It’ll probably take longer to find a flatmate but I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. If it’s a small flat, you don’t want to potentially be running into a man you don’t know in your home. Your house, your rules.

I’ve been in the same situation
I was ok with regular boyfriend (I actually got on better with him than the flatmate) but was not ok with random blokes

my only beef with the boyfriend was that he was using my hot water and electricity (my house) but I sucked it up as he was nice

i do think this will limit who is willing to move in though. But not without good reason

Do you want a lodger for company or income?

While I agree your house your rules to have a tiny flat and try to impose strict conditions on a lodger would seem a recipe for disaster. You need to be a bit chilled to share such close confines with people. So if you need the money yes requesting no overnight guests like it's the last century is your choice but if it's more a company thing I'd maybe join some clubs or volunteer.

I’ve seen many ads for flatmates with these specifications in and no one has had an issue with that🤷‍♀️ I certainly wouldn’t!

Your house, Your rules. And by being explicit you are likely to find a like minded person. And then you will both be happier.

its a good idea

A friend of mine rents the other room in her flat to a woman who works in London mon - Fri then goes home at weekends. Best of both worlds.

As long as the rules apply to both people I don't think she'll find any trouble at all finding a sharer who doesn't want to listen to other people having sex or have a stranger walk into the kitchen when they're making toast in their pyjamas.
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Plenty of women would be ok with that. Lesbians for starters (presumably youd be ok with a female partner staying over?), or anyone happily remaining single, or who is willing to go to their boyfriends house instead of having them at theirs. You may need to be slightly below market value to negate the inconvenience, but it wouldnt even be an inconvenience to every woman.

OP it depends what you mean by flatshare/lodger. If you own your own home or tenancy will solely be in your name and you're subletting a room then yes it's fine to stipulate no overnight visitors. But if you're looking for someone to share the tenancy on a rental then you would be unreasonable.

However I'm looking for a room to rent and your advert would appeal to me. I'm single and child free and my party days are long gone. But many house shares or lodging situations are either with a male landlord which I wouldn't want or HMO's.

Just write a blanket no overnight visitors in your ad and stick to it. Much easier than saying guests by negotiation or anything else vague. That way leads to boundary erosion very quickly.

You would of course need to make sure you didn't bring random males home for the night. Your lodger would be signing up for an agreement where she didn't run into strange males either.

If I were you, I wouldn't mention the PTSD to a complete stranger. For one thing, it maybe off-putting to them if they don't know anything about it. More importantly, you would be announcing your vulnerabilities right from the get-go.

When I was single I had absolutely no interest in bringing random men home and having ONSs. But the idea that I couldn’t even potentially meet a nice man, start a relationship and have him over to stay without moving house would be totally off putting to me. Similarly, in my 20s I moved into a shared house in a new area for work reasons even though I had a bf of several years at that point (now my DH). I certainly wouldn’t have agreed to him not being able to stay over occasionally.

Your house = your rules but don’t assume that you’ll only be alienating the ONS brigade. If it’s a nice house in a desirable area you’ll hopefully find someone to fit either way.

It’s a small flat. I doubt many people who are lodgers in someone else’s small home would expect to be able to hold parties there!

I wouldn't be dictated to that I couldn't have a shag in a room I am paying for .

Will you be abiding by the same rules?

My experience of helping a family member to rent out a room also echoes this. No guests without prior arrangement and never overnight. A lodging arrangement with a live-in landlord/lady means no locks allowed on the room doors. It would change the type of agreement from a 'lodger agreement' to a single or joint tenancy, with greater protection for the tenant, but less for the landlord.

www.spareroom.co.uk/content/info-landlords/lodger-agreement/

I think it’s absolutely fine to specify this. Presumably you’d want someone older, so it shouldn’t be an issue.

OP, is this your own home? If so, this would be a lodger not a flat share and you can put whatever conditions you like on it. Lodgers really do not expect to have parties or overnight guests without permission.

My son has a lodger
he puts something like not a party house
calm chilled living
and he also makes it clear it’s a lodgers agreement not a shared house AST

Its a really common rule not to have overnight guests or else folk just take the mick having people over 3 or 4 times a week, one extra adult does impact the electric/water etc.

Would you be happy presumably as a woman, to potentially have lots of different men (if lodger is dating for example) roaming around your home?

(Is it the fact they're men or the fact they may be having sex)?
That they're men. She says so; it's about her PTSD and specifically to do with men.

OP, my DP and I have a lodger and IMO these house rules are perfectly reasonable (we don't apply them ourselves but we are lucky enough not to have PTSD or other compelling reasons; I totally get why you wouldn't want men around overnight).
I'd only say – assuming it's your house – make sure you always use the term 'lodger', not 'flatmate', as they're very different things.

And just be clear. As well as putting the rules in the ad, when people come round to see the place and meet you is a good time to expand on them; you can explain that you're OK with people coming for a few hours during the day or for dinner, or whatever, but that's all. You can also discuss whether you need notice of guests and how much. And you need to be clear about whether you mean no boyfriends ever, or if a boyfriend could come for one of the above or similar scenarios.

Our last couple of lodgers have been part-time and, assuming you don't need to maximise the rent money you receive, I'd recommend this; it means you get a bit of time in the house to yourself, and part-time lodgers IME have more of their own life as they officially live elsewhere and usually have a family or other household there.

Someone has linked to spareroom.com; that's what we've been using. They have a Mon–Fri section specifically for P/T lodgers. There's also fivenights.com . And have you looked at cohabitas.com? It's specifically for houseshares/lodger arrangements for the over-40s.

It's your home and you can stipulate the rules. It doesn't matter what other people think about them. Anyone who thinks they are unreasonable won't enquire.

I think its fine as long as you are clear on the advert, and also when you meet them let them know it is a deal braker for you.

They can go to their boyfriends house if its a problem