To say if DP doesn’t take time off, SC have to come less?

[Balaciette]

DP is a workaholic and has four children, three from his ex-marriage and one by me. We have SC half the holidays and as every holiday approaches, up materialises some Very Important Reason why he can’t take time off work.

It always ends up with him taking the time off (and being grouchy about it), me taking the time off (and being resentful about it), or some other - female - relative being roped in (which is stressful because I WFH therefore am de facto host whilst working).

I’m sick of it. AIBU?

Why can’t they spend half term with their DM?

The biggest takeaway from this thread is - poor kids. Dad doesn't want them, stepmum doesn't want them (which is more understandable). What a fucked up and terribly sad situation they find themselves in. I hope they don't know how little people around them care and that it doesn't affect their stability and happiness in the longterm.

If I were you I’d be making sure that I am working somewhere other than at home! He needs to be taking responsibility for his kids.

I think this is a really important point and shows up how unequal the Dh's expectations are.

If I had to pay for my own child to be away at a nursery all day so I could work, and have to interrupt that work to take over DH's childcare responsibilities, often at the last minute because its always an "emergency" . I'd be fed up with it, particularly if it was because DH insisted on 50/50 when he clearly doesn't have the time to do 50/50. Their mum is available and might prefer to have them a bit more in the holidays and more maintenance to compensate.

What happens when OP's child is ill during these times as children that age often are. Then she has four on her hands. I can't see how this doesn't impact on her work and her future financial security.

I know how difficult it is to work effectively with three kids roaming around in the holidays? After a while it is really boring for them and that's when the bickering starts.

DH's attitude comes across as OP works from home. That's it job done.

He's not able to do 50-50, or doesn't want to organise effective childcare for them when he's not around and its not fair on the kids to pretend he can.

^^ This.

Be very clear (yet again) you will not be working from home that week. Holiday club gets booked up. He needs to book either a club or his annual leave. The kids can be as vocal as they wish. Staying home with you is NOT an option.

I wouldn’t even tell him again. You’ve told him repeatedly. I’d not say a word, then leave before he does the first day.

He doesn’t want to see them less yet he’d prefer to work / dump them on you / dump them on a babysitter than actually be there for them?

I should probably add he’s pretty good with our DC. I was very firm that on sickness days we would alternate, and he does the nursery run whenever I’m commuting. I still do more overall, but he’s flexible around my needs. Often he’ll work weekends to make up hours but that suits me.

Going to sit him down for a serious chat tonight.

Nobody would need to. Most of the time mums don’t take the piss when it comes to their children, which is why stepdads don’t find themselves in situations like OP.

My children's dad is the same. His gf picks them up, arranges everything, while he swans off to sports games and plans his own trips away etc. just wanted a maid and a nanny and someone to pay half his bills.

OP, you are a mug and being used.
You have made a massive mistake tolerating this even once.

They have two parents.
YOU are not responsible for them.
YOU are being treated like a nanny with a fanny, a skivvy aupair.

Find some self respect and put a stop to being used.
Do not have more children with him.
He's using you.
You deserve so much better.

They always find some mug to do their childcare, even if it means having another child.
Losers everyone.

I mean arranging care for them, not looking after them-play dates, a teenager to come in to the house to look after them, whatever.

i would also take a few days off and take them and my own sc out first a few day trips.

I don’t get how people marry/have a relationship with someone with children and have them in their house but speak about them as if they are pain in the arse problems or nothing to do with them.

I agree. If you marry someone with children you become a step parent, surely that means som kind of responsibility for those children? I wouldn’t want to marry a man who didn’t want to help out occasionally with my children (my dc are now grown up so not an issue). They kind of come as part of the package.

If you father children, you become a parent. This comes with responsibilities toward your children.

Marrying a person with a uterus doesn't mean you can devote your waking hours to your job and keave your children in that person's care with no thought to her needs or energy level or the fact that she is also working.

What do you mean by another relative. Another vagina owner i suspect.

He doesn't want to see them less.

Equals...
...he doesn't want to shell out more child support to their mother, and he has found a handy way to maximize his net income (dump the children with other women).

@THisbackwithavengeance

The OP has a job.

OP states that he uses all his annual leave to spend time with his DC, it’s not as though he’s expecting her to look after them all the time. He doesn’t have enough annual leave to cover the weeks he has his dc. If OP doesn’t want to care for them then he needs to arrange holiday club. I have been a step parent and have had to care for my step kids when their father couldn’t. When I married him I knew there maybe times I would have to care for them, I enjoyed and I cared for them as if they were mine, because they were a part of dh, the man I decided to marry.

That seems extremely reasonable.

They'd rather be at mums than clubs
mum would be fine with it and you say it wouldn't make a difference to CM.

So what's the problem? If he can see them during the week normally why can't that happen more evenings in the holidays? He could take some half days rather than full even, that would still make a difference.

If they are in holiday club he won't see them anyway so they might as well be at their home where they are wanted. With mum.

Because their mum will use it as a weapon and tell them that their dad cares more about work than them, and if he truly loved them that he’d change jobs. It’s a very emotionally charged subject and she’s not a very nice woman.

In that case I’d work from a cafe or something ( providing you could?) and just walk out the door!

It’s not a ‘weapon’. It’s the truth.

She may or may not be a very nice woman, but he’s 100% being a shitty father.