To say if DP doesn’t take time off, SC have to come less?

[Balaciette]

DP is a workaholic and has four children, three from his ex-marriage and one by me. We have SC half the holidays and as every holiday approaches, up materialises some Very Important Reason why he can’t take time off work.

It always ends up with him taking the time off (and being grouchy about it), me taking the time off (and being resentful about it), or some other - female - relative being roped in (which is stressful because I WFH therefore am de facto host whilst working).

I’m sick of it. AIBU?

That’s what I said! I agree with a lot of what he said, basically SCs used to be easy to entertain when they were little, but now they’re older they are always on screens or gaming at their mum’s, and because they don’t get that so much here, there’s a lot of whinging and sulking.

There’s a lot of back story to SC’s mum which it isn’t relevant to get into. We are positive about her to them because we think it’s important to their wellbeing, but the opposite is true in their mum’s house sadly. I hope one day they can look at the situation objectively, but they’re too young at the moment.

I would!

Ah, the “you knew what you were getting into” comment. But unfortunately, none of us realised how tricky it would be

Things evolve too. When SC were little, we had many fun days out having picnics at the local park and going on bike rides together. Now, they’re into Minecraft and WhatsApp and who knows what else.

It’s natural for kids to grow apart from parents as they age, and it’s even more normal for them to grow apart from stepparents in my view. If they were with us full time or their mum died or something things would be different. But that’s not the case.

Yet again the issue comes down to excessive gaming and screen time. I absolutely sympathise with you both OP. It's really hard to co-parent when one parent uses screens to babysit.

Pretty much, in my view.

As a previous poster said, most kids don’t have the option of holiday clubs or not. But when a kid has two loving homes with very different expectations, it’s natural and normal that they’ll choose the ‘easier’ one.

As always, the only person that can stop people trampling on you is you. So stop allowing that, today.

My oldest two kids had no choice but to go to various clubs/care places in the holidays ad I didn't get enough a/l and in all their childhood their dad didn't take a single day off to break with them, or pay for them. They are adults now and still remember not liking going but there was no choice, I didn't have parents etc. My younger two, I had slightly more a/l , and I changed jobs when they were aged around 6 and had school holidays off, went back to having just 4 weeks a/l in high-school. Made a massive difference but big pay cut. It's so true you can't have it all as a woman with kids!

Tough,you,'re the adult .
The children should not be paying the price ,if ops not happy she needs to leave and hope that dp stays single or meets a partner who fully accepts that being a blended family means taking on baggage to a certain degree .
This whole nanny with a fanny cringe needs to stop if you get with someone who has children it comes with restrictions and responsibilities especially if you forge a family life with that person .
That's goes for a man and a woman .

I’m really glad you’ve had a good talk with your partner OP. It sounds like you’ve made good choices and that you’ve found a way forward.

As someone who grew up with one parent who sometimes badmouthed the other, while it’s great that you don’t stoop to their mum’s level, I think it’s really important that you and your DP highlight to your step kids that it’s not ok that their mum does it. So many parents silently absorb the badmouthing of the other parent so that they don’t hurt their kids or put them in the middle, but I think it’s essential for your kids to understand that that sort of behaviour is not something that’s acceptable, because seeing one parent being disrespected by the other and not standing up for themselves is very hard.

It can really hurt the long term relationship with the parent that’s being criticised if that parent doesn’t stand up for themselves. You don’t need to do this by retaliating, but by saying that while you won’t engage in it, you don’t approve of it and it’s not very nice. Point out that you both always find positive things to say about their mum, even though you may disagree with her. Point out that that’s a choice you’re actively making - to choose to not point out her faults but to celebrate what’s good about her.

Your step kids will eventually form (hopefully sensible) opinions of their own, but in the mean time it’s going to teach them bad lessons about who their dad is if he’s not willing to challenge their mum’s behaviour. They’ll learn to disrespect him because their mum disrespects him, and because he’s in what sounds like a difficult position of not wanting to see less of them, it puts him on the back foot. It’s very hard to unlearn that taught disrespect and frustration, even when kids are grown and have the full perspective of how wrong it was for their mum to treat their dad the way she has.

He knew what he was getting into. OP is not the mother of his older children, and is not responsible for them.

Yep. 100%. She's not a nanny with an accessible fanny (first time I'd ever heard that phrase and it is absolutely accurate), she didn't agree to be one, and they are HIS kids.

She fulfills her part of the bargain just fine, and she has to simply not give in to his behaviour.

Some women think other women exist to be domestic servants and think being a stepmother means you are now the defacto mother for other people's children.

Those women are incorrect.

The nanny with a fanny phrase will stop when men cease to behave like this. Until then, we will need a term for it.

And you're happy to use 3 days that you don't work to babysit his kids!?

So getting into a relationship with a man with 3 children and it didn’t occur to her that she may be asked to care for them occasionally or help him out? If that doesn’t cross someone’s mind then they’re really naive. And to then go and have a child with them when you know how they behave?!

The issue appears to be that he doesn't actually ask, but rather expect it to be done at the last minute because he hasn't bothered sorting anything in advance. OP had said she doesn't mind doing some planned days or actual emergencies.

If that's an option they have why shouldn't they? Why would they want to hang around in his house when he can't be bothered to spend time with them? Let them stay with their mum.

Oh no, I remember, then he'd have to pay more. And why would he want to do that when you are his free babysitter?

But that is entirely and exactly true. He does care more about work than them. If he loved them more he would prioritise them. Truth hurts but if he doesn't like the picture his actions paint, the issue is his actions not his ex wife calling it like it is.

They're in PRIMARY SCHOOL. This isn't like teens preferring to hang out at the park with their mates.

Ugh. Every stepparent thread I try so hard to give the benefit of the doubt but it's always the same.

Tale as old as time
Post as old as rhyme
Nanny with a fanny

Full time working parents have to use holiday clubs or childcare - there simply aren’t enough annual leave days to cover it.

Many kids aren’t delighted to go to holiday club - it’s his job to research the options and finds ones they will consider, eg, maybe they have a hobby themed one like sports or gymnastics. Then coax them into it, it’s part of the notional labour of being parent.

If they would rather be at home with a mum who’s available then so be it, but the maths won’t cover every holiday day and you shouldn’t have to.

The problem with this is the distraction. I have 3 kids and WFH, but I struggle to work when they are in the house all day. If my husband is off (he works shifts) and the kids are at home during my working hours, he takes them out. It's unfair to expect her to have a house full of kids whilst she tries to work

Presumably your own child also needs parenting during holidays and paying 1 person to babysit in your home for 4 is cheaper than 4 lots of holiday clubs!
I feel like it's a you problem - he's found a solution you work in the office someone watches all 4 kids together. It's not his fault you "feel the need to host them"

And if he quits his job or does less hours to be able to look after them three OP while be on here complaining that he doesn't work enough and everyone will call him a cock lodger!
He's found a solution - he pays someone to look after all 4 kids in their own home rather than having 4 kids at different holiday clubs. It's not his fault the OP feels like she has to "host" the childminder!

Read the thread. Their joint child is below school age and at a full time nursery.