To say if DP doesn’t take time off, SC have to come less?

[Balaciette]

DP is a workaholic and has four children, three from his ex-marriage and one by me. We have SC half the holidays and as every holiday approaches, up materialises some Very Important Reason why he can’t take time off work.

It always ends up with him taking the time off (and being grouchy about it), me taking the time off (and being resentful about it), or some other - female - relative being roped in (which is stressful because I WFH therefore am de facto host whilst working).

I’m sick of it. AIBU?

One, the OP is working too. She has to work just like he does. Two, he doesn't deign to ask her to take annual leave in advance. Do you think it would kill him to take on some of the organisational load for his own children?

If he doesn't let you know his plans (or lack of), I'd make sure you;re not around. The first day the SC are there and he's expecting either you to look after them yourself or Aunty Mabel to come round, get out the house early with your laptop (or whatever you need to work), and don't come back till your work day is over.

It's not the SC fault their dad is a bit crap, but it's not like you'd be abandoning them, they'd be with one of their parents!

Why did you marry a man who already had 3 children? And then have more children.

Unless he was extremely wealthy and could pay for all childcare or so wealthy he doesn't need to work it was daft. I feel sorry for the children - not you.

Op you are absolutely spot on with everything, funny how when someone is being taken for a mug/unpaid nanny the threads are full of his dc his problem....yet when people like you say exactly that, you are unreasonable 🙄

Is he a moderate/high earner? Can he/you afford for him to take unpaid/parental leave so he can have them when hes supposed too?

How far away is mum? If they point blank refuse holiday clubs can he pick them up/drop them off around his work??

OP how does responsibility for your joint DCs childcare fall, is it 50/50 with drop offs and admin?

Well if he can't take the time off, he can't take the time off. Plenty of parents can't get time off during school holidays. They have to make alternative arrangements. But to expect you to take time off to look after his children is not on.

But look, if he ends up having to pay for childcare during the holidays then ultimately that comes out of your overall household budget so it's a case of pick your poison. If you don't want to use up your holiday on looking after his children then you shouldn't have to. But accept that it's going to cost you one way or another.

All OP needs to do is literally nothing. Step back. Let him get on with it and the problem will sort itself out.

Don't be silly, she can't do nothing.
He'll go to work, the kids will arrive and she'll be stuck with them (trying to wfh).

She has to do something. Many PPs have advised arranging to work somewhere else for that week. It's hard, and will probably cause "ructions" , but I don't see another choice tbh.

you wouldn’t say this if genders were reversed

An apology without a change in behaviour is just manipulation @Balaciette and that’s what he’s doing. He’s manipulating you.

I wouldn’t be having it. He could get to fuck if he did it a second time.

But then I’m hard as nails when he comes to this stuff coz my ex took the utter piss.

Wondering why you chose to have another child with this man who so clearly shirks the responsibility of his first offspring.

Book yourself into a different workspace for the week and sweetly explain it’ll be easier for him as the kids won’t have to keep the noise down for you.

He needs to organise himself around his ex wife and their kids … perhaps you can do a little, but it’s down to them

So basically, the children would rather be at home with their mum, their mum would rather them at home than them be unhappy, but your DH is refusing to let them be at home because it means he'll have to pay more child support.

Then he's gone and brought another baby into the world and not even married you, leaving you potentially financially vulnerable.

No wonder his wife left him, he's certainly no catch.

DP is a workaholic

He needs to not be with 4 kids, three of which he needs to parent alone when he has them!

You aren't asking for anything unreasonable here,

Find somewhere else to work for the day and leave, with your child, before he leaves. Up to him to sort. Ignore the tantrum and remind him that you warned him.

When I moved in with dh we agreed neither of us was a babysitter for the others kids and I also said I was never cleaning sd room nor making dinners etc if my kids were at their dads. Same went the other way for him. I did her ironing for a while but stopped after a while when I realised it was being put straight back in the dirty wash bin.
In ten years I think looked after her maybe 3 times. His kid his responsibility. He looked after mine once.
say no more and no more family females over whilst your working - you aren’t the paid nanny he is massively taking the piss

He’s reluctant to put his children into child care as they aren’t that keen, yet he’s perfectly happy (even determined) to engineer things so that it falls by default to you, who also feels unenthusiastic, to take care of them!
Why should his children trump you in this way?I think it’s an outrage.
He is comfortably poised between two women, one of whom is their own mother, but he dumps them in your lap. Feck that.
I do not understand the rules of stepmotherhood in circs where the bio mum is alive and well and nearby.
Why must you shoulder such responsibility?
If he cannot mange his share of his own kids’ care and supervision, he must sort it out with the ex, not with you.
(Were you providing such free babysitting before you became pregnant?
I mean it'd have been a bit of a clue, or red flag if you like.)

No, he pays the legally mandated amount and it wouldn’t change if she had them for a few weeks more.

I’m not financially vulnerable and I like my career.

Totally sympathise but not sure what you can do - other than find somewhere else to work during the holidays and make it clear to DH that you’ll be dropping yours off at nursery then heading to the ‘office’, so he better have made arrangements. Then stick to it.

he only seems to have them in the holidays and one evening? I have asked the question so perhaps missed the right answer

100%
I completely agree with you OP.

Don't be silly, she can't do nothing.
He'll go to work, the kids will arrive and she'll be stuck with them (trying to wfh).

Of course she can still do nothing. If they need something they can ring their dad.

Him saying he'll see them less if they go into childcare/activities is BS, with you minding them and him working instead of parenting he's seeing them less anyway as he's dumping that on you.

Noone has three or four weeks of annual leave, the legal minimum is 5.6 which equates to 28 days if you're full time. 8 of those for a lot of people are on bank holidays, but that still leaves four weeks you can book yourself.

Though I gather school holidays are more like eleven weeks per year?

This may be true but I’ve heard enough stories about women who go on to have children with men who have previously neglected offspring to think, why are you surprised that they are shirking responsibility. They did it before and they will do it again.