To say if DP doesn’t take time off, SC have to come less?

[Balaciette]

DP is a workaholic and has four children, three from his ex-marriage and one by me. We have SC half the holidays and as every holiday approaches, up materialises some Very Important Reason why he can’t take time off work.

It always ends up with him taking the time off (and being grouchy about it), me taking the time off (and being resentful about it), or some other - female - relative being roped in (which is stressful because I WFH therefore am de facto host whilst working).

I’m sick of it. AIBU?

But it sort of sounds like he does care more about work than being with them.

But it sounds like their dad tells them this with his actions every holidays, that he likes his work more than them, they’d see he is grumpy about having to spend time with them. I cannot blame his ex one little bit for letting her kids know the truth, it’s probably part of why she left. I wouldn’t cheat like she did but I’d fall out of love with my dh very fast and leave if he didn’t want to be part of looking after our children. She might have been ‘nice’ before he let them all down for the 100th time. It’s not your job to protect his relationship with his children from the truth.

Some bizarre responses on here. 'He does take time off with them' - so? That's not where his responsibilities begin and end. Grudgingly taking time off to look after his own children is the bare minimum. He doesn't get to do the bare minimum and then hand them off to his wife. They're his children, his responsibility, he needs to arrange their care. Him. He cannot and should never assume that his wife is his default.

I agree, it’s really sad isn’t it x

I’d I were ever a step child, I’d want you to be my step
mum. You sound kind x

My kids don’t like holiday club much either, so we work our assess off to give them downtime at home in the holidays. One holiday last year dh asked tell me what you need re holiday time and I blew up- it isn’t about what I need, the bare minimum you have to give, it’s about you being a dad who cares about his children and actively is looking at what they would like in the holidays. If we’re going bare minimum neither of us NEED to take time off, we can chick them in that holiday camp for two weeks, the one they moan about when they have ti go to for a day. Stop bare minimuming and look at how much you think you can take off and come and tell me proactively because they are your children too and I am not the family school holiday organiser on top of everything else (I am but am increasingly mad about it)

I agree, and if his kids choose not to give him much time when they get older and have some choice in this, their mother will be inevitably blamed for parental alienation.

But she's not far wrong is she? He finds them difficult to parent now they are older (and answer back) so he goes to work and leaves them to you.

And you don't really want to be with them either. Poor kids.

Well she ain't wrong!

"not a very nice woman", is that based on what your DP tells you about her? Or do you actually know her well yourself?

Your DP is a poor excuse for a father, but you appear to be the only one on this thread who cannot see it. Sorry to be so blunt.

Be prepared to relocate during half term. Whatever time he leaves in the morning, be gone beforehand.

Job done.

She’s a truthful woman though by the sounds of it.

He’d rather dump his children on any available other person last minute than spend time with them himself . As long as they aren’t his problem AND his ex doesn’t get to have more ‘allotted’ time, he’s happy.
What a selfish bastard!

People who use holiday clubs aren’t all bad parents who hate their kids…

But he’s not using holiday clubs. Not to put too fine a point on it, he’s using YOU!

Absolutely no one on this thread has said that using holidays clubs is bad parenting, and you know that.

Many, many working parents (including me) use holiday clubs, but not everyone hides away at work so they can spend the least possible time with their kids, who they only see rarely anyway. That’s where the bad parenting comes in.

You need to make a stand.

Either tell him you are going to stay with friends/family at half term, or that you are going to start working from the office/shared workspace.

I already said he spends almost every day of his annual leave with SC. Not always with good grace, admittedly, but he does!

Anyway, we talked about it and made a plan for the year. I will only be covering three days by myself (which I’m happy to do as they fall on my non-working days, and with sufficient notice I can plan nice days out). Last year I covered three weeks as I was on gardening leave between jobs, and the same the year before as I was on maternity leave, so he’s been enabled to avoid holiday clubs.

We talked about his attitude, and he admitted he’s scared they’ll opt to spend less time with him, and that he struggles to keep them all entertained and happy unless they’re doing something action-packed and expensive. Away from their ‘home’ environment with their mum, they seem to find it hard to settle at ours. I think this is probably a natural part of them growing up, but I do sympathise with DP.

This year the boys will be in holiday clubs for two weeks. If they opt to spend those weeks at their mum’s, and she agrees, then so be it.

But she's telling them the truth - he doesn't want to spend time with them. How do i know - he doesn't spend time with them. This 'weapon' is of his own making

how is that different to him leaving other women to look after them though? Surely they tell her who looks after them

But from what you say their is a element of truth to the accusation he cares more about work than them .
That's for him and his ex to resolve between them .
I do t think you enjoy being a step parent and I don't think you really enjoy spending time or being responsible for these children who are not biologically yours ,some ppl will agree with that ,I think it's a bit shit .
You knew he had children and responsibilities to them when you entered a relationship you blend a family you traleat the children with the same level of care and responsibility as you do your own .
My partner does the school run for me every morning and I've just paid for his son's first 10 driving lessons ,,they are all our children not just his and mine .
I always treat my as the way I want another woman to treaty children .

It's one of those posters: "DP is an arse about x y z". MN reply "yes definitely an arse, we all agree with you". Poster replies "you're all meanies to poor DP who can't help being an arse".

Rinse and repeat. OP now saying its all sorted.

It’s so sad how so many women will pounce on other woman BAD, dad GOOD.

mum is horrible but had her DC majority of the time and is happy to keep them so they don’t want to go somewhere they don’t like cos dad is useless yet she’s the issue?

Dad not being clear about plans and potentially expects DP to keep DC while working, doesn’t even like spending time with his kids = good?

Fuckinghell, the bar is on the floor.

Is there any way you could work outside of home during these periods, so you're absolutely not the default? The idea of them being around while you're working when they're older because he doesn't think they'll need looking after doesn't bode well.

We talked about his attitude, and he admitted he’s scared they’ll opt to spend less time with him, and that he struggles to keep them all entertained and happy unless they’re doing something action-packed and expensive

He finds it really hard but thinks it's ok for you to have them on your own?!

It’s more like OP says “DP is annoying me for x and y” and Mumsnet replies “DP is abusive, a complete arsehole and the worst man, partner and father to ever walk the earth, and if you don’t LTB you’re just as bad.”

There’s a lot of hyperbole from bored posters with an axe to grind, especially at stepmoms.

I will agree mum is a shit for telling them that though.

I work term time and my childs dad doesn't. I did have to spell it out to him when he mentioned another holiday he was going on that he still needs to do some school holiday days here and there for me to be able to have some "time off" to visit friends or do a tip run or anything else no kid wants dragging along to, but I don't expect him to use all his annual leave when I am available anyway. I tell my son he saves it up to be able to come to sports days and plays etc (true). I'd never want DS to think he's not the most important thing in his dads world!