To say if DP doesn’t take time off, SC have to come less?

[Balaciette]

DP is a workaholic and has four children, three from his ex-marriage and one by me. We have SC half the holidays and as every holiday approaches, up materialises some Very Important Reason why he can’t take time off work.

It always ends up with him taking the time off (and being grouchy about it), me taking the time off (and being resentful about it), or some other - female - relative being roped in (which is stressful because I WFH therefore am de facto host whilst working).

I’m sick of it. AIBU?

He is being selfish, wants to see them more but the result is they get palmed off on others. It’s not in the best interests of the children and he needs to put them first.

Apologies for some reason it posted my post twice!

Solidarity OP - it’s impossible being a stepmother, all the blame and none of the actual power to do anything about the shitshow of the children’s parents. See my username for how that’s shaking down in my home.

Exactly this.

I agree with you. Youre either family and you work together and help out. Or your not. In which case, marrying and having (in his case) yet another child was extremely stupid.

Bit of a drip feed that the ex wife has since given birth to another 3 younger children with her affair partner - so she has 6 children at home under 11 years old?

It might be easier than 3 children and married or the ops dh who just disappears into work when hanging out with his kids isn’t fun enough.

And maybe he didn’t want 6 - but at the end of the day we have a blended family of 7 very young children.

Which is not what you've been saying at is incorrect and irrelevant.

But this is not the OP’s problem

I haven't a clue what the abbreviations mean.

If the ex has 3 boys 10-11 with DP and 3 younger kids with current DH then I can see why the 3 boys are on screens 8 hours a day as that's more kids than I could cope with. Of course the boys are craving action packed days out with their dad. It sounds a tough situation for everyone involved.

I do have SC, in fact their dad and I are now separated and they are adults, but I knew when we got together he had children and I always did my best to include them in what we were doing. We've also had his son live with us, which of course having a teenage boy constantly in the house that is not my biological child came with a fair share of difficulties, but we just adjusted.
I understand your frustrations around DP's lack of communication, but when you start a relationship with someone with children, you should be expecting to be a team and take on some responsibility for them as well.

The issue here is that the H is "grumpy" about having to arrange leave to have his DC for his half of the holidays.

Also that he presumably doesn't have 7 weeks leave a year to cover half the holidays.

That is a DH problem. He needs to stop being mardy, make a plan, which ideally involves taking unpaid leave so he can avoid putting kids in clubs.

this isn't OPs problem, the kids have two parents already who need to sort it out. OP needs to not be WFH when SC are there as this is enabling the problem.

I think this really settles it.
This is not a question about good/bad step parenting. Whether you like/resent your SC or not/ or even Good/bad partner. Its not about OP taking on responsibility for the SC.. she's already done that and helped where she could.. the last two years. But she cannot help with what he is now expecting. Thats the sum of it

You asked were you unreasonable to tell him to sort it out. You are not.

You cannot do your job and parent three bored children throughout your working day throughout the holidays.

Anymore than you could have them sitting next to you in an office and messing with the water cooler, having delivered and paid for your own child at nursery to cover your working hours. Maybe send them to sit in his big important office for a change.

It's not fair on you and its not fair on them.

But it is really easy for him to wring his hands and say:

• Oh my ex won't communicate - find a way to try.
• Oh I can do nothing or I will lose time with them ( he's already losing time with them - at their expense - which is entirely selfish)
• Oh I would have to pay ex more. (Tough. because this is probably cheaper, easier and probably more preferable to the children than hiring nannys which would be another being for you to deal with and supervise)
• Oh I don't know where to find childminders/nannys/holiday clubs and the children won't like it - they don't like the current arrangement, sitting around all day and thats why they are squabbling

He has to recognise that this is affecting your job, career and financial well being and recognise that he got a free pass when you were on maternity leave and saved himself some time, effort and cash... but he is now turning a blind eye to the situation and leave it to you (and the children) to work it out.

If he's that good at his big important job... he would be able to sort out a scheduling/management problem like this in his office... but he chooses not to because (oh... its so difficult, where do I start? - (where every other working parent starts)

Some women think other women should be domestic servants on demand with doormat tattooed on their forehead, and that marrying a man with kids makes women responsible for parenting his children.

These women are called mugs and they are completely wrong.

You are 100% in the right and he is 100% in the wrong. Don't give in to his ridiculous, entitled behaviour.

Then they can stay at home and watch tv at their mum's house. Having older kids lolling around watching tv all day would be a very bad influence on your little one and you don't have to agree to it happening in your house. He will need to rearrange his contact time to be whatever weekends term time, plus 4 weeks that he can take as Annual Leave, and potentially one more week for them to spend with their paternal grandparents. Yanbu to refuse to be nanny.

There’s no ‘should’ about it. Op is as free to
make her own choice as you were.

I completely agree.

Going to holiday clubs would be far better for SC than being at their mum’s, but if SC opt for the latter, there’s nothing he can do about it. He is in a tough predicament. Likewise any standards regarding screen time, bedtime, diet, exercise, manners… It’s unnatural to watch your children grow up differently to how you’d choose it.

He's being more unreasonable than I thought Op. If you're dealing with calls from patients with MH problems then having 3 DC in the house isn't workable, you need to focus and your patients need privacy.

If you think the boys would’ve better off in holiday club than with their own mother, why isn’t Dad applying for custody?

Why would he think that a holiday club and not him is best, in lieu of being with their mother?