To say if DP doesn’t take time off, SC have to come less?

[Balaciette]

DP is a workaholic and has four children, three from his ex-marriage and one by me. We have SC half the holidays and as every holiday approaches, up materialises some Very Important Reason why he can’t take time off work.

It always ends up with him taking the time off (and being grouchy about it), me taking the time off (and being resentful about it), or some other - female - relative being roped in (which is stressful because I WFH therefore am de facto host whilst working).

I’m sick of it. AIBU?

Not at primary school age! FFS! My kids and SC are in high school and we still have fun days having picnics in the park!
Just be honest with yourself now you have your own child you couldn't give a shit about his!

I hear what you’re saying but I think there’s a thin line between standing up for ourselves and feeding the drama llama. On the whole we just don’t engage. SC’s mum paints herself as the victim, but she always does and SC believe it because she’s their primary influence.

A lot of posters here seem to think they’d create the perfect blended family, but in the real world, it’s very hard to positively coparent with someone who has primary care and actively hates you.

How did your chat go?

I meant have someone else than OP look after them at home (grandparent for ex), because this is something that OP mentioned as not acceptable.

Good for you. Are your SC three boys between the ages of 10-11 who communicate with each other by violence and spend eight hours a day on screens at their mum’s?

The opposite is true about not caring about SC. I’ve spent so many nights awake worrying about them that I’ve had to mentally take a step back because it was impacting my mental health, my child, my relationship and my career.

I love SC but ultimately I have no responsibility for or say over how they’re raised.

OP, don't let the haters get to you. When they tell you that your reasons and thinking are much more negative than you know them to be, at best this person doesn't understand, and so their input is no help. At worst they are just enjoying being nasty or trying to wind you up.
There is no point trying to prove yourself to someone who already hasn't believed your word, and indeed might not be telling the truth about themselves.
Skip over the unhelpful and benefit from the helpful.

Sorry this is not helpful but I am so glad I am not a step parent. It all seems to complicated and sad.

Your DH struggling with feeling like he always has to do expensive fun activities struck a cord with me. I feel like this in the holidays when I am trying to WFH and expecting the kids to entertain themselves. It’s one of those things that makes you feel like a bad parent. It’s must be even worse for parents sharing care and step parents.

It is completely normal for kids to be grumpy about entertaining themselves in the holidays. I think having your children part time can sometimes distort normal parts of parenting.

It baffles me when people split and decide to split the kids time between two homes. Why are men so quick to shirk responsibilities.

Is your DP taking no responsibility for how his children have turned out? It is well documented that children suffer from a fragmented relationship. These children will have suffered regardless of who is at primary fault. Your husband seems to be quite easy in casting judgement and very lax in accepting how these children are behaving as a result of adult actions.

Because so many are fundamentally selfish.
Hence they find another woman quickly.
He doesn't want to be with them as he finds them hard work, but wants the poor OP to do it, while working, lest they don't want to visit.
So messed up.

Clever women don't get caught for this utterly thankless gig, just the naive ones.

Men like this are utterly focus on themselves and doing the bare minimum they can get away with.

50/50 so they dont pay, and the nearest soft touch to use to mind them.

What's best for the children never figures at all.
The brighter women who do get caught out, lay down firm boundaries when they see the wood for the trees or they quickly move on.

Interestingly the overwhelming majority of women who do get caught wouldn't make the same choice again, unsurprisingly.

Completely thankless and invariably harshly judged for not putting children that are NOT theirs first at every turn.

I would be devastated if either of my daughters settled for so little in their lives.

How can you write that with a straight face? He doesn't always sownd his holiday allowance with his kids either good grace...

this could be your child one day.

Suggest booking some office space -and bring in it.

Hate autocorrect- being in the office space is what I meant.

Normally when SM dislike having their stepkids during holidays, I'm of the "don't choose a man with kids" thoughts. However, this is a joke, he is responsible for their care so he needs to find and pay for some kind of holiday club, childcare or have them cared for, i do think its ok if they come to your house though - you can choose not to host and leave them to it other than a polite hello. You should be free to wfh unless you choose to take time off and spend it with them (presumably you do this for your child sometimes and itd be nice to include them when thats practical). It's also a big turn off to me when men don't care or enjoy time/prioritise their existing kids - it's just an ick in the sense that they're avoiding their responsibilities and lacking the empathy to think about how their children feel, turning up to their dads home for their school holidays and he can't be bothered to organise anything or spend the time with them.

And in the end apparently the mom who had three kids in three years is to blame because she’s awful and lazy.

Why does it always get blamed on the mom in the end?

Three boys between 10 & 11? That’s bloody exhausting and he wanted her to work and pick up all the parenting when they were young?

Sucks to be him. He's a few years too late to realise he dislikes parenting

In the real world, pretty much every parent I know sighs a breath of relief at the end of the school holidays…

The nature of my work (I am an NHS worker and provide counsel to people with mental health conditions: often we are talking about deep trauma) means it’s not appropriate to have kids walking into my study or knocking on the door midway through a session.

I’m not saying he’s the best dad ever, or that I’m the best stepmum ever. You’re right, it is bloody exhausting. We have, and always will, welcome having them more, but their mum blocks it. She has three younger children now too and parents the way she thinks fit.

This thread is about his reluctance to forward plan for holidays, because he’s afraid he’ll end up seeing them less. It’s shit for everyone.

But OP has said he uses almost all his AL to look after his children, so I’m not really sure what more he can do? He can’t invent more AL? Sounds to me that agreeing to have them half the holidays with not enough AL is the real issue. If ex is a sahm then unfortunately if OP isn’t able to use some of her AL to help then it’s unrealistic to say he’ll have them half of all holidays and maybe will have to drop down to say a third to make it work. I’m not sure why all the comments are bashing him so much, when she’s said he uses his allocation to be with the kids?! Baffling

Never heard this expression before and it really made me laugh.
Please do not stay with this man for ever.
Your child is the most importantin this matter. Not his.

Get what can out of him. Then take the money and run and find someone who is decent and not a born user

Good Luck
🤞

What, because he's a man he gets a free pass?

If he doesn't have enough AL then HE has to make other arrangements, not just drop the ball and hope someone else will pick it up.

What more could he do? Well, let's think:

• holiday club
• unpaid parental leave
• child minder
• have them for less time
• look for a job that accommodates school holidays
• negotiate properly with other family members
• etc, etc.

Why do people on MN assume that it's always the man fault, his ex left him not the other way round.
You don't say the age of the children, do you resent the children OP, if he's using most of his holidays to look after his dc what else he's supposed to do ?

He's supposed to leave them at home with their Mum. Which is where they want to be and where their Mum wants them to be. Instead of being palmed off on strangers - including the OP.

Everyone wins except the DP, whose penis will shrink apparently.

Poor kids, they need to go and be with their mum where they are wanted.