To say if DP doesn’t take time off, SC have to come less?

[Balaciette]

DP is a workaholic and has four children, three from his ex-marriage and one by me. We have SC half the holidays and as every holiday approaches, up materialises some Very Important Reason why he can’t take time off work.

It always ends up with him taking the time off (and being grouchy about it), me taking the time off (and being resentful about it), or some other - female - relative being roped in (which is stressful because I WFH therefore am de facto host whilst working).

I’m sick of it. AIBU?

So he wants a free nanny while he checks out of parenting his own kids? Nah, YANBU

He's taking the piss. How old are the children? They must be gutted that their dad cant be arsed to take time off to spend them.

How does he normally use up his Annual leave?

You can't seriously think you are being unreasonable. What are you going to do?

He is utterly disengaged from his kids and would hazard a guess that’s a partial reason for his first divorce
He’s treating you as a nanny
he doesn’t respect you or have any respect for his kids

You have one child, he is the one with four.. His kids, his responsibility. Of course he should be with them when they are there. FFS, yet another man who actually wanted a nanny..

Of course if you leave him @Balaciette you know exactly how he will be with your shared child...

Absolutely. They only come if he’s on AL.

The exception is if they’re teenagers of course who can entertain themselves, but that doesn’t sound like the case if relatives are being roped in.

Don't be the "nanny with a fanny".

I bet he used you to buy a house with as well, and you're paying half of everything.

Was he always like this or have things changed?

Why can’t he organize holiday clubs for them, and drop and pick them up accordingly? I wouldn’t be holding back with a “you should have thought of that before you left their mother”. There day here and there would he fine and lovely for everyone, especially if it’s a day all six of you can spend together. But every holiday? Nah.

Not your kids, not your problem. Either he takes time off or puts them in a hoilday club.

YANBU at all. And taking time off but being shitty about it is just as bad as not taking time off.

Why doesn’t he want to spend time with his numerous children? Have you asked him?

He spends almost all of it with them to be fair. But he doesn’t have as much annual leave as he has them.

I’d use that, but she left him! Had an affair and left for the other man. I do think he’d be very happy in a traditional set up where dad has the Important Job and mum works part time in school hours… But that’s not me.

What was he like before you had your own child with him op? Is this a recent development or was he always like this?

Whyyyy did you have a child with a man who isn't interested in the 3 he already had?

You were mad to want to be with someone with 3 kids in the first place. Yanbu, no way would I be a nanny to 3 other children when I have my own!

he’d be very happy in a traditional set up where dad has the Important Job and mum works part time in school hours

So why are you giving into him? You keep rescuing him. He can do what other parents do. Change his job, change his hours. Not rope another woman to do the care for him.

Sounds like his first wife wasn’t into the “traditional” (read “misogynistic”) family set up just like you, hence leaving for another man and forcing her ex to take on more of the parenting than he did previously, so now he just tried to push it onto you instead 🤷‍♀️

How much annual leave does he get vs how much he has the kids during the holidays?

If he only gets 4 weeks and spends all 4 weeks with his kids but there's a week or two that he can't cover then there's not much he can do about that (in terms of taking more time off).

He can however arrange for them to go to a sports / holiday club rather than relying on you to use your annual leave...

The only aspect where you are BU is that you don’t want him to arrange for someone to look after them at your home.
If his holiday allowance doesn’t cover half the DC’s holidays, what else can he do?

Well, if you both knew that you'd want to work full time and not prioritize his children, he doesn't have a leg to stand on. He had a choice in how many children he had, he has a choice in how much he works, it's not your fault his first wife left him, he can't make his anger at his circumstances your problem. Just say no.

Fuck that shit.

If his holiday allowance doesn’t cover half the DC’s holidays, what else can he do?

Leave his job, get another, change his hours. How do other parents cope? By radically changing their lives. My friend is a single parent of 5. She has no choice but to make it work and doesn't dump care on any man or woman who happens to be around.