To say if DP doesn’t take time off, SC have to come less?

[Balaciette]

DP is a workaholic and has four children, three from his ex-marriage and one by me. We have SC half the holidays and as every holiday approaches, up materialises some Very Important Reason why he can’t take time off work.

It always ends up with him taking the time off (and being grouchy about it), me taking the time off (and being resentful about it), or some other - female - relative being roped in (which is stressful because I WFH therefore am de facto host whilst working).

I’m sick of it. AIBU?

So he found you, thinking you'll work and contribute but also secretly planned to have you as the stand in mother for free childcare. Sounds like he wanted his cake and planned to eat it. No wonder his ex didn't stand for his nonsense.

No doubt this workaholic was expecting her to be working bringing in financial contributions whilst also doing 100% of the parenting. What he didn't recognise is that she WAS contributing to the household, by being default parent so that he can continue to be a workaholic. She did well to leave him and not put up with his nonsense.

So, when you discussed this issue with him before moving in together, what did he say was going to happen re: care of his children when it was his turn to have them?

What should he do when he's used up his annual leave?

How do you manage childcare for the child you share with him OP?
Ultimately unless parents work term time only, they're almost always going to have insufficient annual leave to cover school holidays, so other plans have to be made eg clubs, paid carers, helpful relatives etc

usual question from me. What does he bring to the party?

but your DH is still operating as if he has a sahm. So he likes the job bit but not equal effort bit. How not surprising.

He needs to sort his children’s care when he is working. That’s it. No more no less.

and preferably pay and not roping in whatever related female he can dig up on short notice

We/he have used holiday clubs and babysitters in the past but in the last few years SC have been very vocal about not liking it. They’d rather stay home and watch TV than do crafts or sports!

The exception is if they’re teenagers of course who can entertain themselves, but that doesn’t sound like the case if relatives are being roped in.

Even teenagers don’t need to visit their Dad when he’s not home, access by proxy is just nonsense. I can’t think of any other setting where it’s considered normal to visit someone when they’re not around!

So he has them for half the holidays - about 10ish weeks a year and uses all of his annual leave to have them. So you are only talking 1-2 weeks a year? If the expectation is that you should use your annual leave then that’s not fair but is that what the expectation is?

Nobody with children has enough annual leave to cover holidays, most of us use almost all our annual leave on it anyway, and we all have to figure it out the rest. It is his responsibility to figure it out. I don't think he's being unreasonable if he for example asks you if you're available to help out on X week but the onus is on him, not you. If he wants to arrange other relatives to look after them then I think that's fair tbh as most people also do that but he does also need to respect that our home is also where you work.

Curious where your child is in the holidays while you wfh - is it still little and so in nursery? Or is he assuming he can double up on what your child’s provision is ?

So @Balaciette your DC is not at home when you wfh?

I wouldn’t tolerate this shit. He either makes arrangements where he takes them to and from childcare, or he has them less.

The bit he is failing at here is planning ahead and realising he needs to arrange childcare in advance. Not your job to organise but think this will only get worse once your shared child is at school so best to sort it now. Go over the plans for the year with him and when you both have annual leave and point out that you don't have any extra and ask in advance what are the plans for the SC and request that while you WFH they are not always in the house as it interrupts your work and make sure he books holiday clubs. I have a similar issue with my DP as it doesn't occur to him to think ahead but he has hopefully realised now after everything was booked up last year and we could only get something very expensive with inconvenient hours/location that he had to facilitate some drop offs and pick ups for

every holiday approaches, up materialises some Very Important Reason why he can’t take time off work.

He spends almost all of it with them to be fair. But he doesn’t have as much annual leave as he has them.

Are you looking for him to take parental leave or unpaid time off or to look for alternative childcare that is not you?

At an all year round nursery.

When our child gets to school age, I’d expect to do a mix of holidays clubs, annual leave and my family doing some childcare (they have covered in emergencies, but have never expressed an interest in babysitting SC, which I understand!)

I would refuse to discuss it at all. They as his children and more important than all his 'Very Important Reasons' (bullshit excuses).

A decent man and father would want to take time off to be with his children. End of.

@Balaciette does he only have them in the holidays or is it 50/50 all the year round?

The OP says he does though. He just doesn't have enough AL to cover half of their school holidays through the year.

Use his credit card and take them to Florida without him.

Parental leave exists for this exact reason. 18 weeks per child. Yes it's unpaid but he can not expect everyone else to pick up the slack for his kids.

Hmm.
I think you're going to have to say something like "I can't work from home with all these kids around" and take yourself off to the local coffee shop / library.

Apologies! I misunderstood.

Yes, this is normal. We used to do a mix of my AL, Exh's AL, holiday clubs and stays with relatives.

Can you go into the office next time it's the school holidays? Or book in some face to face meetings at least? Then the option for them to sit on the sofa at yours is just not available, unless he books the time off.

I have a DH who tried similar. I have now enforced a rule that his kids are 100% on him, and if he wants me to mind them he asks me like he would anyone else - and I may say no. It's actually working well and me and his dds are a lot happier/get on much better.

There’s no point beating about the bush. You’re feeling this way because you haven’t had a clear and open conversation with him, possibly because one or both of you equates childcare with “you don’t want/live them”. Easy solution is to draw an equivalence with your own child: of course you love them, but you have to work.

Speak to him openly about the extent of what you’re prepared to do. Your child comes first, then your job and you will balance your child and your job because you need your job to pay for your child. He must do the same for his children - and btw he has four children and you only have one. Life is of course going to be easier for you because you’ve chosen to only have one child. You expect him to pull his weight with all four children equally as all four children have two parents. His huffing and puffing is irrelevant and he needs to keep it to himself. He should have worn a condom if he couldn’t handle this many children.

I will never, for the life of me, understand why women have children with men who already have children. It’s a rare such situation that ends in success.

Oh lovey, she didn't leave because he wanted her to get a job.

She left because he wanted her to get a part time (school) job AND do pick ups AND do drop offs AND be a full time parent for both of the AND cook tea AND run the home AND, probably, have more sex with him AND pay half of everything from her little lady job earnings so he could keep all his cash and just have time to decompress at the weekends from his Important Job.

She left because he wanted her to do everything.