To say if DP doesn’t take time off, SC have to come less?

[Balaciette]

DP is a workaholic and has four children, three from his ex-marriage and one by me. We have SC half the holidays and as every holiday approaches, up materialises some Very Important Reason why he can’t take time off work.

It always ends up with him taking the time off (and being grouchy about it), me taking the time off (and being resentful about it), or some other - female - relative being roped in (which is stressful because I WFH therefore am de facto host whilst working).

I’m sick of it. AIBU?

He needs to sort holiday clubs.

It’s all fair enough people saying ‘they are his kids, he needs to take time off’ but most people get 3 weeks annual leave? Sometimes 4 a year? So if you take in to consideration there are 12 weeks a year the kids are not at school and he has the dc for 6 weeks of that…..he is going to be short of 2 weeks leave.

OP married this man knowing he has kids? One of the children is hers so I am guessing she has to sort out taking time off or sorting child care for her child?
OP’s husband needs to sort out holiday clubs/child minders for the 2/3 weeks he can’t cover with annual leave?

It will get easier as the dc get older as they will entertain themselves.

I would suggest that given half term is in a couple of weeks you have this conversation now and remind him that half term is approaching and you won’t be available to organise this at the last minute. If he said he would do it next time, well here is next time. If he doesn’t step up then you have some challenging decisions to make.

Oh, this gem. How helpful. 🙄

Yes. And here's the thing. When the OP needs to make the challenging decisions, she doesnt. Hence husband gets what he wants every time

This is why I’m annoyed… I’ve asked him repeatedly over the last month whether he’s booked it off and he’s fobbing me off

Well he needs to grow up, doesn't he?! Almost no one wants to parent 24/7, but you suck it up anyway. If it's beyond his capability or he's used up all his annual leave, it's his job as a parent to arrange alternative childcare, like a holiday club (it's unfortunately it the kids don't like it, but that's life), a babysitter or swap caring days with other parents (where you all look after each other's kids on separate days). Yes, we all know school holidays are longer than the amount of annual leave most working adults are entitled to. You share the responsibility with someone else, you use holiday clubs and, mostly, for women, you are underemployed because you're the responsible one.

You need to keep having the conversation with him, OP and, if it falls on deaf ears, invest in a temporary desk at a shared working space for yourself and leave the house during working hours every day of the school holidays. It's safe for him to refuse to solve the issue now, because YOU are the solution. He knows you won't leave children alone, so he can be irresponsible.

Make other plans. If he wants to behave like an irresponsible child, treat him like one - consequences. If you think you can't be persuaded out of your plans, tell him in advance that you've made alternate plans for yourself. If you think you'll cave: don't tell him until he raises who'll be looking after his kids. If you think he's going to pressure you to cancel your plans once you tell him - well, you've got bigger problems on your hands than being treated like a free nanny.

How? I often see threads where people say ‘he fobs me off’ or ‘he won’t engage’ and wonder how that even works.

You have your (very reasonable) list of things you require. You’ve put them to him. Half term is around the corner.

You: What have you sorted re SC for half term? As I’m not covering childcare. We’ve discussed this.

Him: ?

It always ends up with him taking the time off (and being grouchy about it), me taking the time off (and being resentful about it), or some other - female - relative being roped in (which is stressful because I WFH therefore am de facto host whilst working).

It ends up like that because you allow it.

So he wanted her to do everything as well as work and pay towards the household expenses?!

Why are you with this man?

I dated a man whose ex (and mother of his child) left him because he refused to pay for her living expenses. He told her to get a job if she wanted money. She had a young baby at the time. So she went to work and realised he wasn’t necessary to her life.

He also deliberately worked jobs that didn’t pay well because he didn’t want to pay his ex child support and he had already bought his house (I think it was paid off).

Obviously, I couldn’t respect a man who failed to support his family and once I found out more about him it was over.

This is reasonable but as he isn't doing it then you have two choices; either continue to pick up the pieces or ensure that you are not WFH when he next has the children and leave him to it. There are many affordable hot desk type places you could book to work from, or could you make arrangements to work from a family member or friend's home?

You cannot change another person's behaviour, only your own.

And, I generally don't like MNisms, but this one is true here: his lack of planning does not constitute your emergency.

Let him suffer. It's the only way the message will get through. And if he takes it out on you by getting all huffy and miserable, hand it right back to him. His children, his and his ex's responsibility. Period.

I'd be booking my hot desk in the office for the whole of half term now.

Unpaid parental leave is a thing and with this man’s pro creation, he has a lot he could use (18 weeks x 4 children). Heck it may work out better value than 3 x holiday club after tax & NI. He either gets holiday club booked or takes the time off.

Could you book leave from work and go to visit a family member who ‘needs’ urgent help with something. You have to put your foot down on this one or you’ll be babysitting for years! He’s taking you for granted big time!

I agree (my own child is in childcare) but DP is very reluctant to put SC in holiday clubs because they don’t like it.

Previously he had them every Wednesday but it involved using wraparound care. They didn’t want this so their mum has insisted they were to stay with her that night and now he just takes them out for the evening. So I do understand if he used holiday clubs, he runs the risk of seeing them less.

Can you engineer meetings that week that mean you aren't around?

"Mr Balaciette, I've been invited to a couple of meetings I can't get out of w/c (date), and when I added them to my calendar I realised it's half term. You need to think about what you're going to do with the kids that week as I won't be able to take time off or host your sister."

If he’s fobbing you off you need to take a stance. You need to not work from home at half term. If you are physically there he will not get the message. Go to the office if you have one or work at a library or cafe for the week. He won’t feel the impact unless forced. Tell him now that you will not be home during the day at half term.

If he doesn’t sort childcare for next time can you arrange to work somewhere else?

I agree with the step-kids that if mum doesn't work, it is infinitely preferable to stay home with her than come to dad's and end up having to spend all day at a club. Lots of older kids don't have a choice, when both parents work - but they do. I don't think your husband can blame them for not wanting to come.

My son hit a wall with holiday clubs and after-school clubs too. It was v taxing for a couple of years in the holidays until he grew through needing to be entertained as much.

Could you book time off for yourself and your shared child and take off on holiday?
What is the state of you marriage otherwise?
if it's otherwise strong would this be the jolt he needs? If the marriage is lacking in other areas you need to make some likely difficult decisions.

Well that's easy then. You've asked, he's declined to answer. Make sure you are unavailable the whole time.

The problem is really caused when you keep stepping in to help. If you stop doing that he has to deal with it himself.

If he "finds it easier to be at work" because they are "demanding", he is clearly avoiding parenting his own children.

Do you have an office you could work in during half term or are you able to work from coffee shops some of the time. I’d be tempted to do this after telling him clearly you won’t be around during half term. He’s had countless chances to step up.

Tell him, in no uncertain terms, he is their parent, and it's up to him to do that properly. It's not your role or responsibility.