To say if DP doesn’t take time off, SC have to come less?

[Balaciette]

DP is a workaholic and has four children, three from his ex-marriage and one by me. We have SC half the holidays and as every holiday approaches, up materialises some Very Important Reason why he can’t take time off work.

It always ends up with him taking the time off (and being grouchy about it), me taking the time off (and being resentful about it), or some other - female - relative being roped in (which is stressful because I WFH therefore am de facto host whilst working).

I’m sick of it. AIBU?

I'm a little confused, as you also say, to be fair to him, he does use most of his annual leave to be with the kids. If that's the case, what are you wanting him to do? Take unpaid leave? Is that even possible with his job?

A lot of families have two parents who work full time and the kids do have to be farmed out to holiday clubs. I don't think it's unusual for children not to love that as they get older, it's just that some families don't really get much of a choice.

If he's already using his AL to be with the kids, have you been clear with him what you want him to do?

You are being very reasonable.
But I fear that the solution is for you to need to ge out of the home at those time when you'd otherwise default to host/parent.
Can you book an office space, or have to go to the office, at those times so you aren't send as present and ready?

Yes lots of people work from home and do drop offs or pick up because their kids need to be picked up or dropped off. Unless you work very odd hours, you could probably do one or the other given most holiday clubs offer wraparound care to facilitate this very situation.

Holiday Club is the only real solution - or is the solution you want, for the kids to be there less?

Therefore he expects you to mop up the time that his kids come to stay when he has no AL to take

You don't want to do that

You say no

What does he do then? What happens to the children when he has to work and you say "not my circus"

He might not want to solo parent but the choices on the table are solo parenting, professional paid childcare or less contact time with them (and more Child Maintenance) . He has to pick one.

Yes, he might feel a failure for reducing contact but he isn't actually reducing contact if he isn't there to have contact in the first place.

Kids would be happier with mum than you. But he needs to pay for that accordingly.

He wasn't happy for his ex to be a stay at home mum and he's reaping the rewards of that choice.

If she's still a SAHM, surely you can see the kids would rather be at home with her than on your sofa without their dad? And he can, he just doesn't want to admit it. He is being really selfish and not thinking about what's best for those kids. And he's doing it to protect his self image of being a good dad.

You really believe she left him because he wanted her to work?

He’s a workaholic who had three young kids and doesn’t like taking time off to take care of them.

It doesn’t sound like he would have been much of a partner if she’d had a job as well given how he’s treating you.

Making her sound like she just wants someone to fund her is incredibly misogynistic given your own circumstances with this man

Of course he can have them less! The ex might not like it, nor will a lot of MN posters, but he really could reduce contact.

What would he be doing if the OP wasn’t in the picture?

His finding his own children difficult to parent by himself for days on end, his children saying no to babysitters and holiday clubs, him not wanting to face up to his ex potentially having them more or his children saying they don't like coming to him, does NOT mean that therefore you take time out of your career and parenting to deal with them and make them still want to come to his house...where he wouldn't see them anyway because he's too busy working! What nonsense is this?

Nobody enjoys days on end with bickering children who argue and answer back and fight all the time! It's hard bloody work. We would all love a magic fairy to come to our house to sort them out so that we only ever see joyful, well-behaved, clean and non-moaning children who love being with us. But dealing with this is part of parenting. He doesn't want them to not come, he doesn't want to spend time with them - what are they supposed to do? Dangle in limbo? He's being ridiculous, shirking his responsibilities to them.

God these men. They're so emotionally stunted, totally immature. It's teenage behaviour to think that sticking your head in the sand or dumping your problems on someone else means the problem doesn't exist and you can continue to enjoy all the benefits but carry none of the burden. Everything has consequences. Everything.

Yeah I thought OP's responses are pretty funny. OP really doesn't see it, does she? He wants a woman that does EVERYTHING while he picks and chooses the bits he wants. He doesn't want a traditional setup at all. I used to have one of these men too.

OP you need get firm. You don't see the situation clearly as you are too involved. He has to take time off, put kids in holiday clubs or have them a lot less. You need to take your babysitting duties out of the equation. Although be aware that will probably lead straight to divorce and he'll slag you off to the next woman.

He sounds like a CRAP father farming them off on you and any available female.

Don't have any more children with him. I don't know how you can even sleep with him or look at him.

Because their kids need it. SC have two capable parents, I am neither of them.

If DP organised wraparound holiday clubs outside of my working hours then of course I’d help.

Quite.

I think someone else said it very well earlier in the thread. What you want is for him to accept responsibility for HIS children and ASK for your help when he needs it. Not just assume you will be the default parent.

Does he have extra time off to take?
He must get at least 4 weeks of annual leave.
Why would it bother him if they wish to stay at their mother's if he didn't want to be with them anyway?

So 50:50 arrangement with his ex to avoid paying any child maintenance… a new spouse to cover off the child care. He planned that really well, hasn’t he?

Yes, I’d tell hime that you are no longer willing to nanny for look after his kids when he is working and that unless he takes time off to sort them out in all holidays going forward, he will have to renegotiate his custody arrangements and pay his ex some money.

I think a lot of divorced fathers who remarry or cohabit with a new partner are of a particular mindset even if they never say the quiet part out loud.
It’s the ‘why keep a dog and bark yourself?’ mentality and it’s very common. Prevalent even.
So the new wife or partner is just expected to step up as unpaid nanny/skivvy to his kids, without consultation or complaint, obviously.

So you're paying for your child to go to nursery while you work yet he expects you to be the available unpaid nanny to three children that are not yours.

What I want him to do is:

• Accept that when his kids are here, they take priority over his work (his work isn’t life or death)
• Plan for the times he has the children over the year, either by booking annual leave or a holiday club in advance
• If he wants me to have them, then ask rather than assume last minute
• If he wants someone else to babysit at home, to let me know in advance so I can plan my work accordingly (or be elsewhere)
• Realise that if he finds his kids to be less than a joy to be around, that feeling is amplified for me!

I don’t think that’s a lot to ask.

Yes he should. Why on earth would you attach yourself to someone who has 3 childcare aged children? I personally wouldn’t have touched him for the very reason that you are fed up. When you marry or add to a family where there is already children then prepare to blend or don’t go there.
His wife probably expected the same support, hence the breakdown of marriage.

Have you said all of this to him? If so, how has he responded?

Is the only time he sees them holidays? Do you live far from them?

That he will do for next time… Then doesn’t.

This is a 100% reasonable request. If you lay it out for him like that, I can’t see how he would object (unless he’s a shit father 🤷‍♀️)

I would only add that if HE is unhappy about the way HIS DC behave, then it’s up to HIM to parent his own children and ensure they don’t grow up to be arseholes.

No one is going to wave a magic wand and make those kids super-fun, easy-going and interesting to be around, being a parent is taking the time to help your children learn those skills.

So he is a shit father then. Quelle surprise.

Yeah, because he knows you'll cave 🤔.

Sounds like you're going to have to call his bluff one way or another.