to not accept that this is a "thing" that most people do?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Woman I work with is early 20's and has been with her OH for six moths. She was getting really pissed off with him because he hadnt asked her to be his GF. Me and another colleague (just turned 30), both said that after 6 months being BF/GF was a given surely, they had had the "exclusive" conversation a few weeks in. Imo thats when they became an official couple but she insists not.

Then she came into work all smiles as he had officially asked her and it involved a fancy meal, flowers, that sort of thing....basically a mini proposal!

She insists that this is how it should be done and that until the man asks the woman to be his GF they are still just dating. She was genuinely surprised when other colleague and I said that we had never done this and had never heard of it.

I think this is a) not a thing and b) nuts, but am I wrong and out of date given I am in my fifties?

So basically I said I wasn't happy to carry on if he was sleeping with other people. He said well will you be my girlfriend?
So that sorted that. A bit drawn out, but not a meals and flowers situation. That said, we got engaged at home in the garden so that might be our style!

Of course it’s American. The whole concept of ‘dating’ is.

Yes, same with my teenager!

I think the whole "proposal" part is over the top. However, as person who has been diagnosed with autism and who was in a long-term relationship with someone who didn't communicate his feelings, I need a conversation surrounding exclusivity in a relationship. I get too anxious if things are not clear.

~When I was young someone asked you out, so you went out. Then if you agreed to doing it again you were "going out", then engaged, then married (and if you are me, then divorced!).

Was a lot simpler but then we didnt need to have Insta lives.

Surely we all need to explain to our daughters that you tell the lad that if they want to date you, they don't date anyone else, or your legs stay quite firmly closed. End of.

I remember at 17 a lad trying to ask me out when he was already seeing another girl in my 6th form. I point blank refused, most girls i knew would have done the same. All this shit is definitely just a way for young men to avoid committing & giving themselves the opportunity to play the field.

When I was 16, I asked the guy I was seeing what we were and he replied "well, I was going to ask you to be my girlfriend". was. Never actually did.

However, 20 years on having gotten married, had a child, bought a house, I think he probably did want be to be his girlfriend. At least he did actually ask me to marry him!

I think what you describe isn't uncommon, but personally a quick conversation would work, no need for the rest of it

I agree that's ridiculous. But I can't really talk as i have no idea, my (now husband) 'asked me out' over MSN messenger 😂

DD is early 20s and it’s utter madness - and definitely giving guys an excuse to date multiple women whilst maintaining its ‘acceptable’.

I’m In my 50s and I have explained that back in the day if you liked someone you’d literally say ‘will you go out with me?’ and you’d then being ‘going out’ with someone and therefore bf/gf, and you proceeded to go out with them until such time that you didn’t want to anymore, and if you went out with anyone else in that time that was cheating.

A side effect of this new shenanigans is that as asking someone to be their gf is seen to be so overly serious an awful lot of guys insist they aren’t ready for a relationship and it never gets to that stage.

I don't think I've ever had a chat about being exclusive or being bf/gf. Surely at that point your together and shagging all free hours of the day anyway so it's quite obvious what it is.

I remember reading an article about the advantages of 1950s American dating. Saying that keeping things relatively casual stopped a girl particularly from getting too tied in too early. That you should look around even in what we'd consider a rather old fashioned setup. And doubly important in an era where engagements cane rather younger.

I can see the logic in having a 'what are we'd talk and agreeing to be exclusive etc. Much less leeway for claiming a misunderstanding. Open communication is a good thing. I wouldn't want to feel that some sort of fancy occasion for TikTok was needed though.

Its a young person thing...
I got a real telling off from DS1 when I referred to a girl he had been seeing for a while as his GF, in front of the GF.
He hadn't asked, so it wasn't official.
Well excuse me if having sex with her repeatedly in my house, and involving her in family events gave me the wrong impression! 🤣

Is it rooted in other people's perception of her? As in, if it's not instagram-official, it doesn't exist? And there has to be an "event" to make it instagram-official?

Or perhaps it's that this man/boy has become sufficiently reassured that the woman he's sleeping with is fit to be introduced into his world a gf way?

Either way, what a regressive way to go about meeting someone.

It's not universal, I'm 20s, have never done this and find it pretty bizarre. But then I also hate the concept of marriage proposals as well.

I have 4 kids(adults) the youngest two 22 and 23. They told me ages ago_ you start by talking, then meet up and date(the first one has to be special) then you're seeing each other, then decide to be exclusive or not. Then agree to be bf and gf, but still seems old fashioned as seems to be the male that does the asking on another special date, with flowers and gifts. WTAF, who can be bothered???
Seems weird to sleep together but not be bf and gf, but I am v old fashioned 😃

It’s a thing, it’s nuts. I’m in my 50s. We just used A bit of ato go out, get bladdered, snog someone and if you saw them next week, that was it.

The pertinent difference being that 1950s dating did not involve sex.

I’m mid 50’s and remember dating two or three men at a time, then they if I liked one more we’d have a chat and start ‘going out’ with each other. They’d then become my boyfriend and the understanding was neither of us saw other people.

I think the idea of just ‘dating’ (rather than being bf/gf) is quite an American thing. Well it used to be anyway - I remember an American friend telling me that, a few decades ago. So maybe your colleague is influenced by that.

It’s a Love Island thing, I think. When they don’t become bf/gf in the villa, the guy does a mental room decoration thing in a hotel somewhere post show. But I do think my DH asked me to be his gf at some point, in a very casual way. We were teenagers so it was a bit simpler back then

No It's not

I've seen this on Made In Chelsea, so I dare say normal people do it too. I have heard similar things mentioned a few times recently, it seems weird to me. DH considered ourselves a couple from when we'd had the exclusivity conversation, then again that was more than 20 years ago.

So is there a difference between being exclusive and being boyfriend and girlfriend?? If so, what is it?

American Dating culture has well and truly hit the younger generations here.. just look at the dating threads in Reddit and you will see lots of agonising about ‘talking stages’, ‘dating vs the exclusivity talk’, ‘situationships’ and all sorts of crazy bollocks 😂 I remember a time when if you snogged someone you were automatically ‘going out’, no questions asked. But I think that makes me/us old.. like when my Granny would talk about ‘courting’ or ‘stepping out’ and I would roll my eyes when I was young 😁

I'm with you it's crazy but its definitely a thing amongst the teens/young adults I know.