to not accept that this is a "thing" that most people do?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Woman I work with is early 20's and has been with her OH for six moths. She was getting really pissed off with him because he hadnt asked her to be his GF. Me and another colleague (just turned 30), both said that after 6 months being BF/GF was a given surely, they had had the "exclusive" conversation a few weeks in. Imo thats when they became an official couple but she insists not.

Then she came into work all smiles as he had officially asked her and it involved a fancy meal, flowers, that sort of thing....basically a mini proposal!

She insists that this is how it should be done and that until the man asks the woman to be his GF they are still just dating. She was genuinely surprised when other colleague and I said that we had never done this and had never heard of it.

I think this is a) not a thing and b) nuts, but am I wrong and out of date given I am in my fifties?

Wow, I’m clearly old as that only had to be announced when we were teens. It’s was organic as an adult and assumed as opposed to having to discuss it. It was discussed if you weren’t going to be exclusive, and were just being casual. Otherwise after a few dates and shags you were “going out” 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's definitely a thing amongst Gen Z. The yoof make things so hard and complicated for themselves.

Yeah I agree, it's not more advantegous to the guys. In the real world, women have lots of options, guys way less.

I'd be mortified if someone did a 'mini proposal' for me! Currently dating but it's important for the guy to not get the wrong idea and building their world round me, so I'm avoiding any conversations around bf/gf and dodging invites to meet family and friends, as I'm open to other options as and when they present themselves.

When it's someone that's more serious though, you know, because you're together all your spare time, constantly communicating, making a big mutual effort etc. There's no need for all these formalised stages, if a guy believed in those, they wouldn't be for me.

It doesn't have to be sexist. My daughter was dating different boys until one said he wanted to be exclusive and she considered her options and said yes, and let the others know! I think it's weird. It was only for about two weeks though, not six months

Yeah dating a few men for a couple of weeks and probably doing not much more than kissing them, before making a decision is very innocent and miles apart from the men you read about on here.

That is SO different from the scenario a lot of young women in their 20s and 30s are complaining about .

I don’t think women would be bothered at a man dating a few women over a few weeks before figuring out who he wanted to move forward with and focus on. That would be considered very respectful behaviour actually in today’s dating landscape.

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Yes it's a thing my son and his girlfriend where like this.
I said after months & months oh so your together then meaning gf/bf he said no I haven't asked her to be my girlfriend yet .
They're together now :-)

I’m mid 30’s and this was a thing in my teens and 20’s.

In my day I was his girlfriend after the first kiss until he asked me to marry him, his fiancee until we were married, and his wife after that. I know times have changed but I am not so sure every new thing is for the better.

I have two teenage DDs and it’s a whole other world out there now. I do actually think it’s much healthier! They seem to take things much slower, question much more regarding compatibility, take steps back if things are moving too fast …they know so much about love bombing, DARVO, consent, coercion etc I wish I’d been half as well equipped to navigate potential romances at their age!

I think what the Americans posters are saying is that this whole "will you be my girlfriend" proposal (with flowers, balloons and filmed for social media) isn't a US thing, rather than dating itself not being a US thing.

Americans generally seem to be unaware that "dating" US style wasn't the norm in the UK (or European countries from what I can gather) in the 80s, 90s and 2000s and that as you say we just saw someone exclusively until we broke up. I always felt like the burden was on the other person to say if it wasn't an exclusive thing, although I don't think we'd have used that "exclusivity" terminology back in the 90s.

These girlfriend proposals seem to be an extension of US dating culture (with even more stages), the effects of dating apps which brought "dating" to the UK and seems to have replaced our previous norms of assumed exclusivity, with a hefty dose of Love Island and social media batshittery thrown in!

*I mean if two people were seeing each other, if one didn't want exclusivity they would have to make that clear otherwise it was assumed.

"The talk", is an American thing which has polluted our shores.

I think this is more about technological changes than being an American thing. People tend to meet on apps or social media so they are dating more in isolation that we did. When I was younger, you’d at least tangentially “know” the person via friends, work, being regulars in the same pub, etc.

When I was in my 20s (late 90s/early 2000s) there were three phases to it: “seeing someone” which meant you were going on dates and probably talking on the phone in between but with no expectation of exclusivity; “going out” which meant you were doing the same but with the proviso that neither was doing that with anyone else; and “in a relationship” which meant you were introduced as a bf/gf, would go to big events together, had met each other’s families etc.

Seems like they’ve just added a step or two, like “talking” because their early interactions and the first few weeks at least are conducted primarily by text/social media with the odd date. I have young adult DC and I do worry this phase rushes some of the emotional intimacy in a bit of a false way. The bf/gf “proposal” concept is just plain bloody daft.

I don’t know I’m in my 30s but when I was younger I preferred having a conversation about things rather than just assuming anything when seeing someone. This seems over the top and ridiculous though.

Also, in the US, couples move much quicker. I moved to the US in my late 20s and my British friends/family could easily be together 5-10 years before getting married. Here, some people do “date around,” but that’s very much a big city thing. Most American relationships I’ve encountered, you might “date” for a month, then there will definitely be a proper conversation about if you’re a couple, but most people are either engaged/married or not together anymore within two years.

A lot of this new stupid prom proposal/gender reveal/girlfriend proposal/Maid of Honor proposal business is firmly rooted in social media and getting people to spend money.

That all sounds very complicated. I was married within 7 months!

Definitely a thing on Love Island. They go through each of the phases.

I think they do it on Love Island and it’s bled into real life 🙄 A bit like those god awful gender reveal parties for pregnant couples. Just another excuse for loads of social media posting and playing at “life”.

God, let's not bring that low-context culture American stuff over here. It's bonkers.

I'm not necessarily sure that teen culture works that way now, I think there's a lot of this stuff that happens simultaneously given social media. I only recently heard the terminology about 'talking' and asking someone to be their girlfriend / boyfriend etc and didn't assume it's American vs. British, I assumed that it's young people vs people my age. Just that there's always something new.

I don't really understand it, but I'm probably not supposed to. I'm pretty sure my mum and dad didn't call it 'getting off with someone' when I was 15 and they were 40 either.

Fuck buddy

Reading this thread makes me glad I’m the wrong side of 70 and all this stuff is alien to me. My kids are in their mid 40s and I don’t remember it being a thing when they were young adults.

Well, I askes if she could to ask him if they were gf/bf cos this is then21st century and all that. She said she had, and he said "not yet".

What a load of bollox.

I told her to tell him to piss or get off the pot.

He's batting anyway. My dd is lush.

America is very low context, even when I lived there you always had the talk about being boyfriend/girlfriend. I the UK it's a bit less that way. In France you might never have that conversation, more likely you just find you are dating... because you go on dates. They are more high context. It's been that way in the USA since at least the 1950, with class rings and the kings and queens of various school and college events... Everyone is very concerned about the 'officialness' of their relationships. It's the same in other areas, like business. Everything has to be spelled out...

I definitely have asked "am I your girlfriend", there's always been a conversation before telling other people that. With one DP that took one amazing date, another it was a few months (then had the discussion about introducing each other to people as such), while another said I was his girlfriend after a few dates but I was not feeling it at all as it felt very much casual at that time. I think it depends how long you've been dating or how serious you've become. I would say I'm "dating" someone until it felt like it was a serious thing, then I move to "boyfriend" then "partner". I'm 48 btw.

Hmm, interesting details on other European countries but it’s not my experience with this specific scenario right now, with experience of both countries, or actually in business either, but I work for a huge multinational corporation based in the US, so perhaps that’s different to smaller companies.