to not accept that this is a "thing" that most people do?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Woman I work with is early 20's and has been with her OH for six moths. She was getting really pissed off with him because he hadnt asked her to be his GF. Me and another colleague (just turned 30), both said that after 6 months being BF/GF was a given surely, they had had the "exclusive" conversation a few weeks in. Imo thats when they became an official couple but she insists not.

Then she came into work all smiles as he had officially asked her and it involved a fancy meal, flowers, that sort of thing....basically a mini proposal!

She insists that this is how it should be done and that until the man asks the woman to be his GF they are still just dating. She was genuinely surprised when other colleague and I said that we had never done this and had never heard of it.

I think this is a) not a thing and b) nuts, but am I wrong and out of date given I am in my fifties?

Yep I find it weird. My daughter explained it to me

You start chatting
Then uou ‘chat’ exclusively (via Snapchat or similar)
Then you meet, go out etc
Then you ask to be gf/bf

And only then is it official

Ha, I had always thought that lyric was ‘now the guys go steady…’ and was referring to not driving too fast in order to not leave anyone behind 😂

A lot of it sounds like a ridiculous level of posturing and self indulgence to me. A lot of self importance and ego. If they're all so preoccupied with overthinking and labelling every experience instead of just living it, no wonder there's so much mental ill health around. FFS

So I get that if you’re online dating, then it makes sense to organise multiple dates and see who you like in person. But then surely the next step to exclusive couple should be done in one fell swoop, not two parts! Then, I understand there is another category entirely, which i don’t think really existed in the noughties, of ‘I want to shag long term and exclusively but don’t want a relationship’. I shouldn’t think the latter very often then leads to long term actual girlfriend and boyfriend but I may be wrong.

I got asked , it was actually quite sweet and definitely no confusion on "what we are" .
I have to admit tho it crossed my mind feeling is it a bit childish reminding me of coming home from the playground having been asked to be someone's girlfriend 🤣 now it's become a fond memory.

I don't think it's cute, I think is phenomenally misogynistic, alowing men to shag around with no commitment ( all the benefits of a gf with zero repercussions for cheating) and it always has the woman dangling on a string as only the man can make it official ? Absolute bullshit us '90s girls wouldn't have put up with any of that shit

Don't they ever go "Huh? You mean I'm not already your girlfriend? What the fuck have we been doing for the last six months, then, am I just a casual shag to you?! Fuck off, fraud!"

God isn't it complicated these days? I am so glad I am old.

DH and I met through work and started "going out." At a work do when we were obviously together a female friend asked me if we were "official". I confirmed this to be so and that was it really. Less than a year later we got engaged and arranged to meet all our friends for a drink in the pub without explaining why. I was wearing my ring and after a short while the same female friend spotted it and the news was out. Simpler times. (1980s)

I want to shag long term and exclusively but don’t want a relationship

I’m sure sometimes both parties want this ,but what I’ve seen more often is the woman wanting commitment and the man stringing her along for several months or even years while receiving boyfriend privileges.

It’s sad.

Especially when eventually he gets rid of her and finds a new woman who he almost instantly calls his girlfriend and is married to within a year.

Exactly, only women can change this through collective action.

But not us old hags. No sex before exclusivity, no living together before engagement no baby before marriage- but everybody needs to stick to them Too many men have it too easy IMO.

Yes definitely American!!

Sounds American.

I always thought their system sounded nuts, complicated and tiring. I don't get 'dating' at all in the American sense. A date is something really that you go on with your 'boyfriend'. Its not a hierarchy of labels, 'BF/GF', 'dating', 'going out', 'courting' (if your a Victorian debutante) and so on are synonyms that mean the same thing.

You ask someone out, they say yes, you go out. That is it you literally asked them out.

You maybe get the first 'date' (especially if it a god awful blind date) where its terrible and you call it off there and then so no one really ever knows about it and it has no official status. However by the time you are organizing multiple dates, meeting friends/family, staying over, definitely by the time its gone on for 6 months you have clearly agreed to liking each other and are literally 'going out'.

Why would you need to be told that by him?

Too many men have it too easy IMO.

They do!

Modern misogyny is really something to behold. They’ve even sold a lot of it to us, as a win for feminism.

I would add to those rules something about women not being the default cleaner/cook/ etc if they are both working full time.

Bold of you to assume all women want or need any of those things.

We have to know the difference. We can want whatever we want but we are not in the same position of power as men. I have sex whenever I want, and I know some men will think "less" of me because of that. The good ones won't. I don't earn the same as a man if I ever get married or in a partnership again I'll take that into account. I don't occupy the same place in the world as man.

Yes remember well the term going steady. It meant you were exclusive and gf/bf. The term before that would be you were courting each other. And even older was the term stepping out with a young man.

But surely once you have both decided to be exclusive you are now bf and gf.
Gosh I feel old now

Opting out of hetronormative behaviour is obviously completely fine. But sadly I think many women do want these things but are stuck in going nowhere situationship

I don't think I'd describe it as 'opting out of heteronormative behaviour' for a woman to be the higher earner or contributor in a relationship these days, so it's somewhat outdated and sexist to assume women stand to gain from or at least be protected by marriage. Quite the opposite sometimes, we see it on the relationship boards here all the time.

It's also normal for women to enjoy sex for what it is and without a commitment, or to 'try before you buy' and make sure the sex is actually OK before committing.

It is a thing.

Sensitivity to allegations of inappropriate advances and sexual behaviour has created this need.

My adult DCs have all had BFs or GFs over the last twelve years. This has never happened to them or to anyone in their circles. We live in tne US.

I love how anything people have never experienced or heard about until today must be "American".

Why are young women accepting this? Are they doing the same?

Brain dead Instagram people do this. It’s bollocks and allows poor behaviour from men.
“oh I haven’t cheated because you’re not my girlfriend….”
Foolishness.

That doesn't track. The young lovers aren't chastely holding hands in the presence of a chaperon for six months! 'Sensitivity to allegations' could not be affected either way by a formalised couple status.

I read an explanation of something like this in a Marian Keyes novel. It was an American thing that needed to be explained to the Irish contingent. It pre-dated Love Island but that might have contributed to it happening over here.