to not accept that this is a "thing" that most people do?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Woman I work with is early 20's and has been with her OH for six moths. She was getting really pissed off with him because he hadnt asked her to be his GF. Me and another colleague (just turned 30), both said that after 6 months being BF/GF was a given surely, they had had the "exclusive" conversation a few weeks in. Imo thats when they became an official couple but she insists not.

Then she came into work all smiles as he had officially asked her and it involved a fancy meal, flowers, that sort of thing....basically a mini proposal!

She insists that this is how it should be done and that until the man asks the woman to be his GF they are still just dating. She was genuinely surprised when other colleague and I said that we had never done this and had never heard of it.

I think this is a) not a thing and b) nuts, but am I wrong and out of date given I am in my fifties?

I find the whole ‘exclusive’ thing weird too but I suppose I would have just assumed that the other person wouldn’t be seeing anyone else.

Asking to be boyfriend/girlfriend is quite primary school to me!

I would never cope in the dating world now.

What baffles me is that when I was a teenager (late 90s) it was hard enough to get one of the boys you liked to mutually notice you, let alone several.

My first reaction was ‘surely if you’re repeatedly dating the same person you’re boyf/girlf??’ And then I remembered a thing in my own life in the early 90s when I was ‘seeing someone’ but he absolutely was not my boyfriend and neither did I want him to be! I’m fairly certain he wasn’t being exclusive and I can’t be sure I was either! I guess we were both thinking ‘weekend shag only’…

So now I’m thinking that I get it, even though it still seems a little odd!

Oh my word, when and why has it become so complicated? If you're together as a couple it's followed a natural flow as it's always been. Why the need for a 'ceremony' and a certain conversation? Strewth, it's so very formal and sad...

Exactly! Then I draw a heart with his name in to make it official but ignored him after because I was too embarrassed to talk to him. We did dance together at the school disco but broke up soon after because he played football instead of ‘it’.

I think a lot of women on here saying casual dating is for the benefit of men must be married. I am a single woman in my mid thirties and 80% of women I know, single or dating, seem to constantly be on the prowl. Facebook enables them to message multiple men, flirt continually and engage in regular sexting....with many different men. I am ridiculed for being a 'prude'. I am not, I'm just not that loose. Modern men and women engaging in this behaviour are gross but the Internet has just made it much easier to spot them. As have fillers!

I’m not married, similar age to you and tbh I don’t know any single women who behave like this. I am sure they exist though - it must depend on your circle really.

I used to have friends a bit like that in my early 20s, not sure if they’ve grown out of it. They didn’t usually hit up randoms on social media, but they would often engage in casual sex with more than one man from within our social circle that was partly formed through parties/clubs etc.

Not my circle. Women in the school playground, local park. I'm a very chatty person and although my behaviour is wildly different to theirs I don't discriminate when kids are around. Also a quick scroll through Facebook tells you A LOT about people, especially the provocative selfies and 60+ likes from different men. I think it's crazy that more women don't notice how desperate they come off half dressed after 30 with bleached hair and stripper nails. You may be lucky enough to live in a nice rural location....I live in Leamington Spa

Sounds like an American thing. You’d ask someone out and you’d be going out until you were dumped back in my day (80’s kid). Until you’re officially exclusive it’s an excuse to shag about and keep a few irons in the fire is it not? Pick which one you like best, ditch the rest? Christ, I wouldn’t last 5 minutes if I was a nipper in today’s world. I truly don’t get their behaviour.

What the fuck are “stripper nails”? The internalised misogyny on MN is off the charts at the moment. If it’s not vile, reductive comments about women’s bodies and the way they dress, it’s posters falling over each other to bond with a male OP by providing ever-more lurid character assassinations of the woman he’s complaining about.

YANBU and I completely agree with you but actually in my experience many of these younguns do this. My theory is it's because of the sleeping around and situationship shenanigans these days

I have heard the term exclusive used by younger people, which I assumed meant they were boyfriend and girlfriend but I recently found out that girlfriend and exclusive were not interchangeable to mean the same thing and I couldn't understand what the difference was, different generational speak I guess is the only difference. In my day as soon as you went on a few dates you were boyfriend and girlfriend, none of this exclusive or being asked to be the girlfriend. Whatever though it all comes down to the same thing, different terminology I guess?

My husband never asked me out we just got together been with him 22yrs people now are idiots

This has been common for a good few years now. I think it’s just an excuse for men to be able to shag around without getting into trouble for being unfaithful. It’s absolutely ridiculous but I’m old so what do I know?

On the person who is providing all those " boyfriend privileges" without commitment. Usually ( I accept not always) the women.

Ah, I remember the good old days where a boy would ask a girl out and that meant they were girlfriend and boyfriend until one said they didn't want to see each other any more (sometimes that was after one date!). It was so much simpler 😂

I notice lots of Americans saying it’s not a U.S thing.
Which is weird because popular American culture in the 80’s, 90’s early 2000’s definitely having “dating” as a thing. The UK were never dating. We saw someone (exclusively) until we broke up.
Maybe the US has caught up with ys?

It's called "love Island". 😂

I am 45 and we used to say ‘meeting’ when I was in my 20s. Which sounds equally as corporate 😂

I asked my 21 year old son. He said that it’s because “ no one has time anymore” You trial 3 or 4 so you know who you get on with better.

I did throw in that until you were exclusive you had no idea if people were masking their true selves on uninvested dates. He conceded our way was better.

A 17 year old daughter of a friend said she had a partner. I assumed it must be same sex - no, this ‘ Oh the term boyfriend is so awful, I’d hate to use it!’
Im apparently still learning…

I guess it means different things to different people. Exclusive might be the step before bf/gf.

I'm not in the dating poll and am old. I had DC before baby showers and gender reveals. I don't have to understand.

It seems harmless enough on the face of it. Funding a Instagram life is hard, especially for younger people. I'm glad not to be young sometimes. Social media brings a lot of pressure.

I know you're championing women here and that's wonderful, but I think you are tackling it from the wrong angle.

A lack of independence and assertiveness in (some) women is a real problem. Modern day rules/trends/whatever are fine as long as you're able to communicate well and put yourself and your needs first.

Alongside that there's still too much societal pressure on women to couple up, and play silly, sexist, 'I'm the prize/put a ring on it' mind games to get there.

Those of us who care about young women should be encouraging them towards resilience and emotional intelligence so they can live fulfilling, independent lives separate from relationships and men. Not advising them to lock a man down as soon as possible.

Agree. I dislike that term too. Half a person?

I'm 51, in my dim and distant past...boy asked girl out, girl said yes = you were boyfriend/girlfriend. It was simple. I don't really understand why it's all been made so complicated!