to not accept that this is a "thing" that most people do?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Woman I work with is early 20's and has been with her OH for six moths. She was getting really pissed off with him because he hadnt asked her to be his GF. Me and another colleague (just turned 30), both said that after 6 months being BF/GF was a given surely, they had had the "exclusive" conversation a few weeks in. Imo thats when they became an official couple but she insists not.

Then she came into work all smiles as he had officially asked her and it involved a fancy meal, flowers, that sort of thing....basically a mini proposal!

She insists that this is how it should be done and that until the man asks the woman to be his GF they are still just dating. She was genuinely surprised when other colleague and I said that we had never done this and had never heard of it.

I think this is a) not a thing and b) nuts, but am I wrong and out of date given I am in my fifties?

I hasten to add- I’m pretty certain neither my DS nor his gf were seeing anyone else during the time they were ‘talking’.

I’ve heard of this, seems to go along with it being fine to date multiple people at the same time.

Absolutely fine if people are ok with that, but not me. If I’m seeing someone, I’m seeing them and nobody else. If it’s not for me, I’ll know quick enough and I’d end it. I’d expect the same from anyone I was seeing. They’re seeing me, nobody else. Up to them if they like it or lump it.

I think it's one of those things that you see on TV shows like Made in Chelsea, it always seemed to me that there are huge double standards with the dating stage though and the young men weren't particularly keen on the women dating other men even though they weren't exclusive- the patriarchal narrative prevails!

@Mochudubh

I think what many of us more mature posters are saying is that we progressed naturally to the "going out", girlfriend/boyfriend stage without there being any formal discussion or declaration about it.

Edit: I've read your post again and I'd say the "going out" stage happened much sooner than 3 months, probably after 2-4 dates. As I said in my previous post, seeing someone else at the same time would have been bad form.

I also think that short-term relationships (not always sexual) were maybe more common as if you fancied someone else, you would just split up with the bf/gf but that's a whole other thread.

Exactly this. I said something similar further back in the thread. DH asked me out on a date (after we met in a nightclub.) He took me out 4 days later to a nice cocktail bar, and then he said 'fancy a Chinese meal at Mr Wongs on Tuesday?' I said 'ooh yes.' Then we agreed to meet again (4th time) at the Seven Bells pub 2 nights later.

We were then dating, and were boyfriend and girlfriend. End of. Saw each other about 8-10 times over the next 3-4 weeks, and then had sex. (About 6 weeks after we met.)

If there had been the slightest whiff of him piss-arsing around, seeing other women, and telling people we were not exclusive as he not officially asked me to 'be his girlfriend' I would have told him to get to fuck!

This was the late 1980s. All this Love Island type batshittery of seeing each other for several months, and still not being exlusive, and waiting for HIM to ask me to be his girlfriend while he sees if he can find someone better/shags around with other women can fuck off to the far side of fuck. No way would I have tolerated this. And I wouldn't now. And as I said, no young woman I know would either. Clearly some young women do, but none I know.

Also, this was NOT a thing in the 1980s or 1990s. (When I was a teen/in my 20s/early 30s...) In fact, it's only this past decade I have even heard of it. But it's only on Love Island I have seen it. I didn't think women in real life would stand for this shit. Raise your bar ladies! Stop waiting for a man to want you to 'be his girlfriend.' He should be fucking grateful he has you! Don't let him try you out, and try other women out to see which one he prefers. This is setting women back a fucking century!

Know your worth and stop letting men treat you like cattle!

After this thread it does explain the passive waiting some women do for a marriage proposal.

That's depressing as well. Women still waiting desperately for their man to propose, to want her, to want to 'put a ring on it.' 🙄

And then cheering with joy and elation with photos of her hand (with the engagement ring on it,) on Instagram and Facebook saying 'He asked me, he finally asked me, I'm so happy, say hello to the future Mrs Hisname!' (Coz most women still do change their surname, even though the vast majority of women on here claim they don't/haven't changed theirs.)

It's the 2020s, and some women still seem desperate to get a marriage proposal. Even the ones who claim they are staunch feminists, who 'don't need a man,' and would NEVER change their surname! 😬

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Men still have the upper hand.

@Zov

It sounds like we are pretty much the same age. I think I was almost in my 30s before I ever had a mobile phone or used the internet. I think the first "social media" I used was "Babycentre" in about 2000, it was more of a forum, similar to Mumsnet.

No such thing as Love Island or any of that other reality crap either.

So not the same opportunities to parade the minutiae of your life to a bunch of strangers.

I’m 28 and this is the way it’s done for me and my peers. It was also the way it was done 10 years ago. It’s not a new thing.

Personally I like it - I like being able to get to know someone without feeling pressured to commit to them immediately, or worry that we’ll slip into a serious relationship without realising. It’s also a good way of weeding out timewasters, because a guy who isn’t serious about you might happily date you but will never ask you to be his girlfriend (which is why your colleague was upset). I think having a mature conversation about where you stand with each other is better than making assumptions.

Getting to know each other is fine. Spending 3 nights a week together for several months before acknowledging the relationship and/ or exclusivity isn't fair.

Isn’t fair on whom?

I suspect this trend began when people had to announce their status on social media. Ridiculously complicated and dramatic for the sake of it, typical of younger folks these days

I'm 67. This was a thing when I was a teenager but stopped entirely when I went to university - from then on, it seemed simply to be a mutual assumption.

@Zov I'm not sure if this is really about men having the upper hand though. I suspect most men are happy to go along with life and their girls are sulking because they didn't do a big GF proposal, then complaining that they did it on the wrong day because they should have known to wait until the nails and hair were done for the photos.

I watch shows like Summer House and Southern Charm. It’s pretty standard US fare, but weird to us in the UK.

Tell that to my man-eater female friends who are very happy to have multiple FWBs on the roster😂 As with all things, generalisations are just that…

It probably killed them too, some teenagers recorded and walked back to their table for a drink laughing and joking.
I spoke to DD about it, survival is the top priority.

So bring it up earlier then… nobody is stopping women from saying ‘I am enjoying this and would like to be exclusive and a couple’ after a few weeks.

So bring it up earlier then… nobody is stopping women from saying ‘I am enjoying this and would like to be exclusive and a couple’ after a few weeks.

Some people do it that way... Up to them surely

The American-oriented sex education books my parents gave me in the 1970's described dating multiple people as a distinct stage, where you tried out different people, prior to "going steady" with one.

(Just checked, and Wikipedia confirms that "going steady" means an agreement to be exclusive.)

What you see as wrong was a cultural norm, in America, in the 50's, 60's and 70's. I don't know about other decades and places.

Going steady - Wikipedia

Going steady is when two romantic partners agree to an exclusive relationship.[1] Growing in prevalence in the United States after World War II, this pattern became mainstream in high schools and colleges in the 1950s.[2] Its popularity continued through the 1980s, with teenagers beginning to go steady at progressively earlier ages. However, the label "going steady" fell into disuse in the 1970s.[3]

I remember being asked if I would be somebody's GF, I think I was about 6.

I've voted that YANBU but I'm the same age. Back in the day it was almost a given that you were an "item" if you'd been out a couple of times.

I'm not sure I could be doing with all this exclusive nonsense for something that could be quite short lived.

My Dd once told me her and her boyfriend were in a ' situationship' I still have no idea what that means 🤷‍♀️