Son excluded after meeting today. Was meant to be isolation. Feel sick about it

[FrostedOwl]

I dont really know where to start and sorry if this is a mess but ive just got home and my head is pounding. Had a meeting with school today about my son after an incident last week. At the time they said it would be an internal exclusion so isolation for a few days and we accepted that. I wasnt happy but i understood it and told him he’d messed up and that was that. Today’s meeting was meant to be a follow up and somehow it’s ended with him being formally excluded. Fixed term. I feel like the ground’s been pulled from under me. I keep going over the meeting in my head thinking did i miss something or did i say the wrong thing. Part of me is furious with him, part of me is angry at the school and part of me just feels like ive failed completely. Im trying to be calm but honestly im shaking typing this.

What the school said today (sorry this might be a bit long):

• the original incident was “more serious than first thought” even though nothing new has actually happened since last week
• they said his attitude in isolation wasnt good enough and he was “non compliant”
• apparently he walked out of a lesson earlier in the week when he was meant to be in isolation (i wasnt told at the time)
• they said theres a pattern of behaviour building and this exclusion is to “send a message”
• i was told they could escalate it and that they are within their rights to do so

He isnt an angel. I know that. But he also isnt violent or out of control and this feels like a big step. He’s also been school refusing on and off this term which i know doesnt help. Some mornings he just flat out refuses to go and says he cant be bothered or that theres no point. I do get him there most days but attendance isnt perfect and the school bring it up constantly like its all connected. Maybe it is, i dont know anymore.

Am i being unreasonable for feeling like this has been handled badly and too quickly or am i just defensive because its my child. I feel judged every time i walk into that building. Ive never posted on here before so sorry if ive done this wrong. I just dont know if im seeing this clearly or not.

Teacher here. I’m sorry you are having a tough time, and I’m sorry your son is too. What he did is wrong, of course, and deserves consequences, which I feel the school has probably got right, but it’s important to remember he’s still a kid and to view his mistakes in that light.
One thing I picked up on, which you may be able to help with at home, is that he feels stupid and put on the spot in class. It’s common for schools to adopt a ‘no hands up’ policy for discussion and questions in class. This can be very face threatening and there are definitely ways to do it that make it less intimidating, such as giving thinking time, or paired discussion before the Q&A but whether or not any of that is going on in your son’s school, is impossible to say. But you might be able to support him to understand that this is not about picking in him or trying to catch him out or make him look stupid; it’s considered good practice in teaching. In fact, if he is getting asked frequently to answer questions, he may be a kid the teacher feels they can rely on to come up with a decent answer. Regardless, if he can grasp that it’s fine to get answers wrong, or ask for a minute to think, you may be able to improve his confidence and help him have a more positive experience.
Apologies if this is teaching Grandma to suck eggs. I hope he has a positive return to school.

Have you asked your DS why he is swearing at his teacher and walking out of lessons?
You and your husband need to sit down with him and find out why is behaving as he is. The "why" is very important or this will escalate and keep happening.

"He has had detentions before and one short isolation last year but nothing like this."

This is Mumsnet - do you really think nobody's asked about a diagnosis yet?

Hear fooking hear!

OP said he's around. Might be in the kitchen or popped to the loo.

Just to reiterate. This is a suspension. A set number of days in which the student must not attend school. The student then attends a reintegration meeting with parent and teachers, discusses what went wrong, discusses not doing it again etc. It isn't an exclusion, permanent or otherwise, there is no governors meeting, no appeal etc because it isn't an exclusion. DfE guidelines demand that they are called suspensions in all letters, communications etc. Its only when suspensions hit 15 days or more that governors would even be involved. The governors meetings and independent review panels don't apply.

He’s not the first and won’t be the last OP. Yes he messed up and yes this is the consequence. It’s also hard being seen as a ‘bad boy’. He’s kind of expressed that I think? Yes he has surely been difficult at school and made that reputation for himself but he needs to know that he can change, he’s 14 nothing is written in stone at that age. He’s a good kid at home? When he’s in social situations? Would it be better to change schools and have a fresh start? What does he want to do in the future.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. The school would not exclude unless they had a stack of evidence to support their reasons and justify it. OFSTED go through exclusions with a fine tooth comb. Schools don’t exclude lightly anymore. I think your son needs to take heed and make some positive changes to his attitude and behaviour.

It isn't an exclusion!!!!!

Hopefully this will drive the point home to him that he needs to start listening and behaving.
Does he enjoy any sports? I’d definitely suggest he start doing something, whether it’s park run with you on the weekend or just anything where he’s moving his body with purpose.
I hope this is just a blip on the road for him and he can put it behind him. Onwards and upwards!

School refusal and truancy aren’t the same.

Truancy is usually concealed from a parent too, it’s classic bunking off to do something else (go to the shops, smoke/drink/drugs, socialising). School refusal is an emotional inability to attend - or even pretend to attend.

Following my earlier post, I also know at my DDs (top state school and ‘naice area’ whatever that means) the behaviour is so bad at times 2 supply teachers have been made to cry and SLT had to be called.

There have been students who have been sent to isolation (or whatever it’s called) and have either refused to go, or been sent there for the day and barge back into class. This is in front of strict teachers who have good control of their classes.

Those students were suspended and 1 excluded because at that point it’s basically saying the behaviour policy doesn’t work. They won’t take the consequences and can’t be physically removed or barred from lessons.

I don’t think OP is brushing it under the carpet as such but some parents may be way under-estimating the severity because of the language; it’s ’just an isolation’. Make no mistake if your child is repeatedly asked to leave lessons and then reacts to that, it’s serious.

I don't think you seem unreasonable, OP.
Schools can be high handed and condescending when talking to parents, assuming the parents are not doing their job, rather than working with parents to do the right thing to help the child.

In this case, I think you should have been told what was happening earlier. You are eager to engage with anyone who wants to help get your son to do better. You don't seem, from your posts, to be one of those unhelpful parents who think their kid can do no wrong. I imagine if the school had had a thoughtful talk with you immediately, also involving your son in the discussion, that would have been a better way to deal with this. If exclusion ended up being the result, the school would then have had you on board, understanding why it was necessary.

I think the problem is lack of time, and too many kids to deal with. The school doesn't have the capacity to deal in the best way with each individual, and makes blanket assumptions.

Don't you think these things are often far more closely linked than this simplistic explanation, this dichotomy of one being "bad" and the other being "ill" is likely false

Looks like you'll have the undiluted pleasure of your little darling's presence for a few days, while his teachers and classmates breathe a sigh of relief.

Well some have (as is always the case) but definitely not "most".

The school simply cannot ignore that kind of behaviour. He swore at the teacher in front of, let's say, 25 other teenagers. Many of whom will have had moments when they'd love to have sworn in class, or defied the teacher, but didn't. Had the school not come down hard (and remember he'd already had detentions and an isolation before this incident) others in the class might have been emboldened to copy him.

Kids have to see other kids getting sanctioned for poor behaviour, in order to recognise that defiance and disrespect has consequences.

OP, I wouldn't be questioning the school on their decision. I can see that you are being strict with him while he is at home and that is good. However, I personally would also try to use the time to move on from 'punishment phase' asap and on to speaking with him calmly and supportively about what he thinks the problems are for him at school, why he is behaving the way he is, and asking him how he, you and the school can help solve them. Then come up with a joint plan, hopefully with the involvement of the school if there are problems to address there.

It is worth checking out whether there are SEND issues but honestly, even if there are, he sounds like he is 'high functioning' (like my autistic DD) and while he may need some additional support, he also needs to find ways (or be given ways) to learn how to manage difficult situations and regulate himself. (This applies whether there are SEND issues or not.)

He is only 14 and Rome wasn't built in a day. The fact that he is feeling ashamed means that things can be turned round. Let him know that you are there to help him, and that you are going to sort things out as a team.

Well done on taking this so seriously. A lot of parents wouldn't. He is your boy, you love him and want to do your best for him, and with a bit of luck and lots of perseverance, hopefully things will start improving now.

Truancy and school refusal ( correct term is EBSR emotionally based school refusal) are two completely different things please google if you wish to know more

OP does he have any( or do you suspect any) additional needs school refusal is often a sign of ASD or trying to avoid SEN struggles

She said she's not going to write it out, so you're going to have to respect that.

An extra day's holiday has always been the standard sanction for swearing at a member of staff, IME (going back more than 30 years). No need to go through the whole behaviour policy.

How's he doing socially at school? Friendships? Girlfriend?

Honestly Year 9 is often an absolute shit show - everyone's brains and hormones are realigning, bodies changing and friendships shifting. Plus there's the pressure of choosing options and knowing that GCSE study is looming.

Unless you have reason to believe he might have SEN, I'd probably ask about all this stuff as a starting point.

The suspension may not be a bad thing. If he's ending up in internal exclusion regularly he's going to be coming into contact with other kids who are not behaving appropriately and there's the potential for negative influences to make the situation worse.

Ask the school to get the educational psychologist involved they will be child centred

How old is he?